ive come to the conclusion that i dont think im suitable to be anyone's girlfriend.
as i posted before, im still coming to a difficult decision about my relationship.. it's full of things i want and things i don't want. obviously, the cuddles, being looked after and having someone who theoretically should be there when i need him are all bonuses (the latter only being a bonus in a small number of situations). but the arrogance, the bullying (can i call it that, really?), the whole not really being very good at making me feel worth anything thing? im not sure what outweighs what.
i said i'd give it a week after the holiday and.. frankly.. nothing's changed and he said that it would. i was hoping for more enthusiasm about me as a person but i still always feel pretty rubbish about myself because of the lack of interest in my personality from my boyfriend.. when i bring this up with him, though, of course there's nothing wrong - oh lyn youre funny, even funnier than my friends, and youre my best friend and i like spending time with you - but then i feel like they're just words to get out of the situation of talking seriously about our relationship. he never asks me if i want to do anything with him, he would spend time with his friends or with no one at all, i'm at his house and he just sits on his computer in a call with his friends and he thinks thats totally okay.. - i can't go to his house without taking my own laptop because otherwise i'd just get ignored and then be bored.
ive just been thinking in general about myself and ben as a pair.. him being so arrogant and obnoxious and me being somewhat insecure and unsure about myself (who isn't?) and awkward and clingy and just too.. bleh. of course i have friends, duh, but only a few because i cant get to that level where i can be myself with anyone anymore who isn't already my best friend. i can be a bit of an attention seeker when i want to be, and very much a bitch when i want to be.. and i'm just a clingy person and ben usually says im being selfish.. and, thinking rationally, well, why wouldn't he say that? i must be clingy and selfish to some degree, at least.
so that's my thought process of not really being girlfriend material.
obviously im writing this in my blog to avoid arguments. i'll get complaints about being moody all the time and always throwing a strop when i dont get what i want (which he does too but refuses to admit cus he's too arrogant and he's the best and everyone else is retarded) and being selfish and to stop pestering him and for me to just go away. i feel guilty for ever crying about anything, which is annoying. so yeah. im not sure what else to say, really. i just wanted to get some thoughts down on this rather than bring them up with ben and have an argument and hear him laugh at me because im being pathetic or whatever.
meh. bye.
