I'm not sure what this is anymore. Love? I love him. But does he love me? Perhaps. Does he want me? Probably not. Why does he have to keep this going? Sometimes I wish he would leave me just to get out of this frustration but I want him. I want to be with him forever.
Love sucks. My heart is aching. I am lonely and in severe need of some company.
Hum.
Friday, 30 September 2011
Thursday, 29 September 2011
This is absolute bollocks. Sure, I've said I've given up but I still can't help but feel ignored.. I go offline and stuff but there's no kind of 'you not coming on skype? x' thing.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE, JUST FUCKING SAY SO AND STOP WASTING MY TIME AND EMOTION.
I love you but if you don't give a shit cus you can't be arsed or whatever then fine - but say so cus I'm wasting all this love I give on you and that's the saddest thing.
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oh dear.
well today totally went to pot.
silly bickering over a meal we're supposed to be going to on saturday - and I thought well it'll just be for lunch but obviously what the fuck do I know.
anyway, it seems Bronwyn and I are going to have to organise this meal ourselves - Ben says I should make a decision for once in my life.. even though I do make a lot of decisions like deciding not to give a shit anymore and all this bollocks behind his back because if whats the point in telling him anything anyway. he just sits and plays games on his computer so what would he know about feelings.
his best friend is having a rough time in his relationship at the moment and the excuse Ben provided me with was that 'Maria is being a miserable bitch with him' and I just thought oh. so that's what you tell other people about our relationship. that I'm just a miserable bitch? there's is obviously some underlying reason as to why Maria is upset and calling her things like a 'miserable bitch' does not solve everything. who is Ben to judge Maria like that anyway?
All in all, Ben needs to realise that it's not all about him and other people have feelings too. today he told me he can't be bothered with my lax attitude anymore.. so.. screw him. If i ever feel like I can't be bothered then he can just go away because I can't be bothered having to always just be in one mood with him all the time. he might not be affected by anything because he doesn't speak to people unless he's staring at a computer screen, but I have feelings that he obviously doesn't understand and he needs to learn that sometimes I would just like to be with someone who understands. and if he doesn't understand and can't be bothered with me when I'm not happy, then why does he deserve me when I am happy?
I hate relationships. Today we did this shitty revisions thing and they were asking us to write down what was important to us and what we wanted to achieve in life and Ben wrote down on his sheet that he would still want to 'have lyn' as one of his goals. well thats just lovely. he can have me alright, because I will always need him in my life, and okay fine.
Y'know what? screw this. I give up. I will just give him what he wants from now on.. I have better people - namely friends - who understand me fully and are willing to listen to me. I don't need him for that - I will just be there for him and that will be it. He doesn't need to be there for me. Not anymore.
Fin.
silly bickering over a meal we're supposed to be going to on saturday - and I thought well it'll just be for lunch but obviously what the fuck do I know.
anyway, it seems Bronwyn and I are going to have to organise this meal ourselves - Ben says I should make a decision for once in my life.. even though I do make a lot of decisions like deciding not to give a shit anymore and all this bollocks behind his back because if whats the point in telling him anything anyway. he just sits and plays games on his computer so what would he know about feelings.
his best friend is having a rough time in his relationship at the moment and the excuse Ben provided me with was that 'Maria is being a miserable bitch with him' and I just thought oh. so that's what you tell other people about our relationship. that I'm just a miserable bitch? there's is obviously some underlying reason as to why Maria is upset and calling her things like a 'miserable bitch' does not solve everything. who is Ben to judge Maria like that anyway?
All in all, Ben needs to realise that it's not all about him and other people have feelings too. today he told me he can't be bothered with my lax attitude anymore.. so.. screw him. If i ever feel like I can't be bothered then he can just go away because I can't be bothered having to always just be in one mood with him all the time. he might not be affected by anything because he doesn't speak to people unless he's staring at a computer screen, but I have feelings that he obviously doesn't understand and he needs to learn that sometimes I would just like to be with someone who understands. and if he doesn't understand and can't be bothered with me when I'm not happy, then why does he deserve me when I am happy?
I hate relationships. Today we did this shitty revisions thing and they were asking us to write down what was important to us and what we wanted to achieve in life and Ben wrote down on his sheet that he would still want to 'have lyn' as one of his goals. well thats just lovely. he can have me alright, because I will always need him in my life, and okay fine.
Y'know what? screw this. I give up. I will just give him what he wants from now on.. I have better people - namely friends - who understand me fully and are willing to listen to me. I don't need him for that - I will just be there for him and that will be it. He doesn't need to be there for me. Not anymore.
Fin.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
I try not to be so skepital about things but its just so hard when almost every time I just get let down - promises, expectations.. I try not to fall for these things as much - not to look out for them being fulfilled because usually it leads to disappointment.
Ben told me that he missed me this evening, and I think he meant it. It wasn't in return for me telling him first and he told me that he missed everything about me and that it was because he doesn't get to see me properly anymore.
Well its about damn time! I'm hoping to see more of these moments because tonight I let myself feel a flicker of hope that we can get back on track with our relationship. I'm so happy that things might be turning around and if he does actually spend the whole of tomorrow with me like he said he was going to, I'm going to make the most out of it - this could just be a fluke - he could have just been listening to some inspiring music that caused him to feel like putting some effort in.
Of course, I musn't let myself get too carried away and I will try not to be expecting anything because I will likely be setting myself up just to fall down and hit the ground hard. Its such a massive deficit to my confidence when something rubbish happens when I was expecting the opposite and that has taken its toll on me over the years and now I struggle with what seemed to come naturally to me when I was little - talking to people.
I feel I can't talk to anyone now about personal things - problems, achievements, anything. Recently things have been bad in this relationship and its made me feel horrible about myself. After things have smoothened out with Ben, I will work towards becoming more confident - but first I need to stop having this rocky patch in our relationship get the better of me all the time, and the only way to do that is for things to get sorted out or for us to go our separate ways and for me to get over it all.
I most certainly hope it's not the latter, and I really do hope things go back to how they used to be. I would love things to go back to how they were in the beginning, but I would give anything just to go back to how it was six months ago even. I just want to feel wanted again, to feel good about myself because someone else does too, someone close to my heart and who means the world to me.
Anyway, I should get to bed. Night.
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reality.
damnit, I listen to too many songs sung by guys who want to treat girls like princesses.. y'know, those songs where they would stand on the street corner and wait to see you pass by, or singing about them not minding having to stand out in the rain just to be with you. Songs about guys wanting girls just to feel special and wanted.
reality sucks.
reality sucks.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
an unseen sadness.
well.. it is breaking my heart to say it but I don't think Ben wants me anymore. We're only just a little more than friends now. When we go home we go our separate ways and we don't really see each other at school anymore - walking to our next lesson is about it. We don't speak anymore - there's no such thing as 'Hi, how was your day?' anymore.
when we had that massive argument where I promised I would change for him, things did get slightly better and I gave him space and we had loads more to talk about. But now he can't even be bothered to make any sort of conversation anymore.
He only talks to me if he needs something from me, but other than that it's strictly, 'If I can be bothered.' If there's something up then he's not telling me. And I can't ask him because he sits and plays games all evening with other people.
So we've hit a dead end, yet again, and I am willing to keep this going for as long as I can because I still love him and I refuse to let him go. I'm still interested in everything he has to say all the time and I always want to be around him and talk to him, but the feeling isn't mutual and we spend a lot of time apart and even then he never tells me he misses me unless it's in return for me saying I miss him. And I don't think he means it, I just think he doesn't want me to say that he never tells me he misses me.
Which is sad. I find it so sad and I cried myself to sleep last night over it because I was stupid enough to believe things would go back to how they used to be a year and a half ago because of this whole 'I'm bored of you, Lyn' argument. I asked him what he wanted and he told me and I promised I would change and I have changed - massively. I do think I am a happier person in general now - sixth form is taking its toll on me now and I'm so tired and cannot wait til the end of term and that is the only thing I have encountered that has made me feel the familiar 'what is the point' emotion. But other than that the only thing getting me down at the moment is this whole unwanted feeling I get when I get home and have no one to talk to.
I try not to let it show - it's probably just me over-thinking things so I haven't said anything or brought it up with Ben. I don't want to suffocate him anymore - which is what I used to do and he hated it. I have given him lots of space to do what he wants and a thought occured to me just now:
Last year I went to Hannover as an exchange student for a week. And when I came back I asked if Ben had missed me and he said, 'yeah, it was like being single again: waking up, playing wow, going to bed, doing the same the next day...' - and I don't know if this is just me being an idiot but isn't that what he does now? Go to school, go home and play some games, do some homework and then go to bed.
And he wants it to be this way? He wants this amount of space? Should I take it as a hint that he would like to be single again? Is this a way of him breaking up with me softly - giving me hints that he still loves me but he wants to be on his own from now on. Or maybe he's doing it to let the distance get to us and make us finally say, 'this isn't working anymore.'
Because he's going the right way about it.
I just have too many questions and uncertainties going around in my head at the moment! Argh! Someone please just come and cuddle me and make things better :(
when we had that massive argument where I promised I would change for him, things did get slightly better and I gave him space and we had loads more to talk about. But now he can't even be bothered to make any sort of conversation anymore.
He only talks to me if he needs something from me, but other than that it's strictly, 'If I can be bothered.' If there's something up then he's not telling me. And I can't ask him because he sits and plays games all evening with other people.
So we've hit a dead end, yet again, and I am willing to keep this going for as long as I can because I still love him and I refuse to let him go. I'm still interested in everything he has to say all the time and I always want to be around him and talk to him, but the feeling isn't mutual and we spend a lot of time apart and even then he never tells me he misses me unless it's in return for me saying I miss him. And I don't think he means it, I just think he doesn't want me to say that he never tells me he misses me.
Which is sad. I find it so sad and I cried myself to sleep last night over it because I was stupid enough to believe things would go back to how they used to be a year and a half ago because of this whole 'I'm bored of you, Lyn' argument. I asked him what he wanted and he told me and I promised I would change and I have changed - massively. I do think I am a happier person in general now - sixth form is taking its toll on me now and I'm so tired and cannot wait til the end of term and that is the only thing I have encountered that has made me feel the familiar 'what is the point' emotion. But other than that the only thing getting me down at the moment is this whole unwanted feeling I get when I get home and have no one to talk to.
I try not to let it show - it's probably just me over-thinking things so I haven't said anything or brought it up with Ben. I don't want to suffocate him anymore - which is what I used to do and he hated it. I have given him lots of space to do what he wants and a thought occured to me just now:
Last year I went to Hannover as an exchange student for a week. And when I came back I asked if Ben had missed me and he said, 'yeah, it was like being single again: waking up, playing wow, going to bed, doing the same the next day...' - and I don't know if this is just me being an idiot but isn't that what he does now? Go to school, go home and play some games, do some homework and then go to bed.
And he wants it to be this way? He wants this amount of space? Should I take it as a hint that he would like to be single again? Is this a way of him breaking up with me softly - giving me hints that he still loves me but he wants to be on his own from now on. Or maybe he's doing it to let the distance get to us and make us finally say, 'this isn't working anymore.'
Because he's going the right way about it.
I just have too many questions and uncertainties going around in my head at the moment! Argh! Someone please just come and cuddle me and make things better :(
Monday, 26 September 2011
sigghhhh
guess I should better get off my ass and go and see what Ben's been up to all evening, since he hasn't made any sort of effort to be interested in what I've been doing.
thissucksITWILLGETBETTERiveryfuckinghopeso.
thissucksITWILLGETBETTERiveryfuckinghopeso.
flowers
y'know what I would love more than anything in the world? someone to buy me flowers. daisies are my favourite, and I would love some for me to just look at and pretty and amazing. I love flowers.
and, sadly, I love you.
and, sadly, I love you.
Funny how I have all this shit that he's given me, like teddies and all this bollocks, when he can't even look after a fucking necklace or a bracelet. He hasn't even got a picture in that frame I bought him for our anniversary. I'm surrounded by him all the time and he has nothing in his room that reminds him of me. I bought him a teddy that has spent most of his life shoved down the side of the bed. Maybe this is why I feel so shit when he's not here -
because I sit and think about how he's not thinking about me.
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Friday, 23 September 2011
story!
So I've just added some more to my Rewind story -- but I just don't know if I can carry it on cus I am soooooo lazy... so I've decided to write a new story.. but what about?
So I was looking through my files of allllll the stories I've written and there were a few ideas that I'd saved to word documents! hooray!
and I found this:
So I was looking through my files of allllll the stories I've written and there were a few ideas that I'd saved to word documents! hooray!
and I found this:
Okay so
There is a girl who got hit by lightning when she was six
And now she has dreams about the future
There is a new boy at her school who she falls in love with and she tells him that she can dream about the future
But the boy’s dad works for the government and he tells his dad because he thinks it might be dangerous and his dad and the scientists capture the girl and put her in a lab
But then the boy helps her escape and so the scientists are after the girl and the boy
The girl’s powers are getting stronger and now she can make events happen and so the government think the only thing to do is kill her
And then the girl dreams that the boy is going to die so she tries to kill the government who are trying to kill her
Cue epic ending where the girl dies in the end. WOO
There is a girl who got hit by lightning when she was six
And now she has dreams about the future
There is a new boy at her school who she falls in love with and she tells him that she can dream about the future
But the boy’s dad works for the government and he tells his dad because he thinks it might be dangerous and his dad and the scientists capture the girl and put her in a lab
But then the boy helps her escape and so the scientists are after the girl and the boy
The girl’s powers are getting stronger and now she can make events happen and so the government think the only thing to do is kill her
And then the girl dreams that the boy is going to die so she tries to kill the government who are trying to kill her
Cue epic ending where the girl dies in the end. WOO
Yes I am a weirdo, but accept it, bitches! Love it or leave it!
Peace.
artwork
Just something I drew in art, drawn entirely in pen and then added watercolour. Something I very much wish for.. but don't worry. I'm just hopeless ol' me :P
Thursday, 22 September 2011
I hate school so much at the moment. When I first came to the school in year seven I was recognised for singing and people were like omg lyn you're so good at art but now no one notices me anymore.
I didn't get as high gcses I wanted - about 4 Bs and the rest As and A*s or something - I don't remember because no one asked. My mum did and my two half sisters did, and so did kirsty. Ben and his parents were there when I went to collect them.
WHY IS NO ONE INTERESTED IN ME??
Life sucks. Even these past 10 or so months ben hasn't been interested in me like he used to.
Arghh I hate school :(
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Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
God damnit I fucking hate you. Is this not enough space for you?! Cus if not then you can kindly take that baby step forward and forget about me completely since that's what it almost is. 'More time to yourself' does not mean act as if I'm just a friend you just wave to when you pass in the corridor.
So so stupid of me to have believed a word you said the other night - 'its gotta be gradual' well actually it doesn't. I made a huge step with this whole 'give you space' bollocks so why can't you do the same for me? All it takes is a little extra tenderness in your kiss and those words I only hear off of Kirsty nowadays - 'I miss you'.
So disappointed and frustrated now but I'm refusing to shed any tears for you because I was silly for forgetting you hardly ever stick to your word.
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Monday, 19 September 2011
meh
so i'm in a rather disappointed mood today.
ben turned round to me yesterday and said he wanted to change, that he realised that he was treating me no more than a friend and that he wants to make me feel wanted and adored and that he was going to try and make it better.
well i'm not feeling it. i'm not feeling much love.
ben turned round to me yesterday and said he wanted to change, that he realised that he was treating me no more than a friend and that he wants to make me feel wanted and adored and that he was going to try and make it better.
well i'm not feeling it. i'm not feeling much love.
sad
I guess the sad thing is is that when people promise things and manage to convince you that they'll change, my expectations of you come back and then come crashing down the next day.
Saturday, 17 September 2011
'emo'
is apparently what i am.
because i have feelings that i can't justify enough for him. i'm sick of his insensitivity and his lack of interest in me. he doesn't need me and i'm not even sure he wants to be with me. he needed more space in the relationship and i said i would give him as much as he needs, but now i hardly know him. when we're not together he doesn't want to know. is it selfish to feel like he doesn't care as much as i would like him to?
i wouldn't go as far as 'opression'.. lol..? but i feel like i can't tell him how i really feel, and sometimes i wish he would read this blog and realise but i know that if he were to read it.. cue argument = breaking up.
yes, life is hard. yes, man up, god damnit. there's so many things i could say about this relationship that are only partly true.. 'I'm the only one making an effort'.. yes i feel this but of course it's not true. he tells me he does so much for me and i can't disagree. i don't think i'm allowed :/
he says things are better now. i asked him and he says he's happy in this relationship. and i keep telling myself that i am happy in this relationship and yes i am.. but only something around 40% of the time.. because now i feel like he has better things to do than spend time with me.. and i've said this before but now i feel it more than ever before..
argh.
this is what he was talking about when he said i was 'too clingy'. i'm just sat here smiling and telling myself it will be better in the long run.
i do find myself as a slightly happier person nowadays, i guess.. i just blog more heh ^^' this is the only place i can empty my heart out and not get shouted at or get people trying to solve it.. i just want to speak out and this is the only place that can happen without me feeling uncomfortable, or like a burden, or like an emo as he calls me.
i think that is the thing that bugs me the most. because he means it. if someone said that to you, how would you feel? i mean, how would you really feel? sure, you'd laugh it off. but he's the one person whose opinion of me matters the most to me.. and he's calling me an emo.. which translates to me as 'attention-seeker'. is that wrong? is that over-reacting? i have feelings i can't describe anymore and just sit there like a weight in my chest because i want to confide in him but i can't.
he said we should open up to each other more.. well i can't. and we both know it. well, I do. and I hope he does too.. and if he does then shame on him for not making me feel more welcome.
i'm forcing myself to go out with friends next weekend. i wish i'd brought my art book home - then i could swamp myself in homework tomorrow and not feel ignored or lonely.
ahhh life sucks.
i will do anything for you to keep you happy and for you to stay with me. when i said i would change for you, that didn't mean you could take advantage. none of my feelings have changed and i still need you. if we were to meet for the first time right now, i would not be attracted to you at all. i would probably not like you very much at all. and i hate that you've changed with the new sixth form blah blah blah I GIVE UP.
bye.
because i have feelings that i can't justify enough for him. i'm sick of his insensitivity and his lack of interest in me. he doesn't need me and i'm not even sure he wants to be with me. he needed more space in the relationship and i said i would give him as much as he needs, but now i hardly know him. when we're not together he doesn't want to know. is it selfish to feel like he doesn't care as much as i would like him to?
i wouldn't go as far as 'opression'.. lol..? but i feel like i can't tell him how i really feel, and sometimes i wish he would read this blog and realise but i know that if he were to read it.. cue argument = breaking up.
yes, life is hard. yes, man up, god damnit. there's so many things i could say about this relationship that are only partly true.. 'I'm the only one making an effort'.. yes i feel this but of course it's not true. he tells me he does so much for me and i can't disagree. i don't think i'm allowed :/
he says things are better now. i asked him and he says he's happy in this relationship. and i keep telling myself that i am happy in this relationship and yes i am.. but only something around 40% of the time.. because now i feel like he has better things to do than spend time with me.. and i've said this before but now i feel it more than ever before..
argh.
this is what he was talking about when he said i was 'too clingy'. i'm just sat here smiling and telling myself it will be better in the long run.
i do find myself as a slightly happier person nowadays, i guess.. i just blog more heh ^^' this is the only place i can empty my heart out and not get shouted at or get people trying to solve it.. i just want to speak out and this is the only place that can happen without me feeling uncomfortable, or like a burden, or like an emo as he calls me.
i think that is the thing that bugs me the most. because he means it. if someone said that to you, how would you feel? i mean, how would you really feel? sure, you'd laugh it off. but he's the one person whose opinion of me matters the most to me.. and he's calling me an emo.. which translates to me as 'attention-seeker'. is that wrong? is that over-reacting? i have feelings i can't describe anymore and just sit there like a weight in my chest because i want to confide in him but i can't.
he said we should open up to each other more.. well i can't. and we both know it. well, I do. and I hope he does too.. and if he does then shame on him for not making me feel more welcome.
i'm forcing myself to go out with friends next weekend. i wish i'd brought my art book home - then i could swamp myself in homework tomorrow and not feel ignored or lonely.
ahhh life sucks.
i will do anything for you to keep you happy and for you to stay with me. when i said i would change for you, that didn't mean you could take advantage. none of my feelings have changed and i still need you. if we were to meet for the first time right now, i would not be attracted to you at all. i would probably not like you very much at all. and i hate that you've changed with the new sixth form blah blah blah I GIVE UP.
bye.
Monday, 12 September 2011
uhh
Basically.. what the hell.. I posted a blog using this email posting thing I set up.. and it did not work.. so.. yeah.. :S
Sunday, 11 September 2011
bleh
I don't need space. I want to be smothered and wanted and needed. Right now I feel so lonely, like people pass me by, like I'm invisible. And I feel like no one else feels the same way.
Sometimes I have problems and I don't want people to try and make things better - sometimes I just want to hear people say, 'Yeah, I totally understand, Lyn, that's awful.' But I feel like no one feels the way I do and I'm constantly listening to people tell me things I don't want to hear.
I've resorted to giving up and just.. not drifting through life completely, but.. ignoring myself. I get up, get ready, go to school, come home and sit by myself for a long time before going to bed. I have no escape - even music has shunned me recently. I don't know what to do with myself and I just want someone to spend a day with me and make me feel like I belong and like I have something to live for.
Sure, I have friends. I have tonnes of friends! Kirsty, Mitch, Joe.. Cerys has moved on to tresham now and I do miss her.. but none of them are in any of my classes. I sit on my own in history, I feel like a little like an outsider in performing arts.. I think German is the only class I feel comfortable in - it has people in it that easily include everyone in discussions and jokes, and we do have a nice time.
But that's only one lesson out of the five options I picked.
I am so disappointed at the moment with Ben. It scared me to death when he told me he might not want me anymore. But then a couple of days later we were totally fine and it was like he'd never been away. But then I realised that nothing had changed as a result of this re-thinking of his. We see each other much less than we did in GCSE, so we have more to talk about now. I spend more time with my friends who never fail to make me laugh. But when we're not together, it's like he doesn't know I exist.
I am just so stuck at the moment. I have been feeling this way for a few months now, and I just want to curl up in bed and never get up.
All of these blogs must be so repetitive, but there's no one I can talk to and say the things I put on my blog. I prefer to keep all these feelings somewhere safe. Somewhere I can look back and read if I need to and somewhere I know things don't become too public and people start calling 'emo' or something haha.
So anyway.. I always feel like I have so much more to say when I come to the end of my blogs, but I just can't find the words.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Things that I wish to discuss because of my boredom.
Your last kiss.
Was very nice. Kisses are always very nice. I only ever get kisses from you (thank god :P) and they make my day. Your lips are like cushions against mine. Awww.
What kind of person attracts you.
Someone who is hilarious and never fails to make me laugh. Intelligent, caring and gentle - someone who could be my closest friend and my soul mate. I always go for personality, looks are nothing but bonus. Someone who looks out for me. For me, it's all about the little things - like saying Hi and smiling and cutesy little things because I am nothing but a hopeless romantic with too many expectations.
Your opinion on cheating on people.
Is probably one of the most horrible things anyone could ever do to another person. I, personally, would rather die than have someone I love cheat on me. The thought of them lying to me and saying that I'm the only person in the world for them and then saying it to another person makes me feel sick. It makes my chest ache just thinking about it. And it is even worse if the person they're cheating on you with knows that that person is in a relationship already. It's so disgusting I can't even describe it with words.
10 ways to win your heart.
1. Don't lead me on.
2. Make an effort but don't be annoying. :P
3. Be yourself.
4. Actions speak louder than words - but remember it's the little things so don't go doing anything crazy. xD
5. Be honest and informative - no kinds of relationships are based on silence, except hatred.
6. Don't be big-headed - I hate people who are arrogant and talk only about themselves.
7. Dress nicely - sure, baggy jeans look good on guys sometimes but I don't want to be looking at your boxers because they're halfway down your legs.
8. The obviousss... compliments, etc.
9. Don't be too over the top - I don't give out hugs like they're gummy bears..
10. A little bit of cutesy romance has never turned off a girl completely - sometimes I do appreciate guys saying mushy things and writing poems and all that jazz. Sometimes.
All of these were taken from that post I did aaaaaages ago with the list of things I should blog about each day.. I don't blog every day.. so I've decided to do the ones that I can think of answers to right now. More of these coming up soon probably. Kthxbye.
so..
So my life has turned terribly upside down.
Ben and I have split up, and this time I don't think there's any chance of ever being with him again.
He told me I made his life a misery and made it quite clear he didn't want me anymore, and it hurt so much.
But then the next day he told me he would wait for me to arrive into school, and when I told him I had asked Kirsty to wait for me he said 'Well you obviously don't want me there so I won't wait for you.'
How does that even work?
I hate school and I hate everyone there. I'm forcing myself to keep smiling and make it look like I'm okay, but I feel so lonely and I just want someone to be there for me.
Today we had to pick what we're doing for IEC and we both chose to do DofE together a few days ago, but now that circumstances have changed, I thought he was going to change his option. He surprised me today by turning up to the DofE presentation and I had a glimmer of hope that he was trying to apologise for what he'd said and prove that he still needed me. But in the end he changed his option and now I'm doing DofE on my own. Either that or I'll have to pick something else, but I really don't know what else to pick.
I'm stuck for options and I'm on my own. I don't know what to do with myself anymore and I just feel like this past year has been a whole lie.
I just want to feel like he needs me. He told me that he still loved me this morning, but he hasn't done anything about it. Instead, he's proved to me that actually he doesn't need me around and that he probably has a much better life sticking with his friends.
So.. yeah. I guess I hate my life right now, but no one else knows it.
I thought I'd found the person I would spend the rest of my life with - we've discussed getting through Uni and coming out the other side and eventually living together and having a lovely life. I guess emptiness is inevitable when you become that attached to someone who isn't as attached to you. He doesn't need me like I do, and he made it pretty clear he wanted me to go away and not come back.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck and I'm empty and I just want to lay in bed and never get up again.
Ben and I have split up, and this time I don't think there's any chance of ever being with him again.
He told me I made his life a misery and made it quite clear he didn't want me anymore, and it hurt so much.
But then the next day he told me he would wait for me to arrive into school, and when I told him I had asked Kirsty to wait for me he said 'Well you obviously don't want me there so I won't wait for you.'
How does that even work?
I hate school and I hate everyone there. I'm forcing myself to keep smiling and make it look like I'm okay, but I feel so lonely and I just want someone to be there for me.
Today we had to pick what we're doing for IEC and we both chose to do DofE together a few days ago, but now that circumstances have changed, I thought he was going to change his option. He surprised me today by turning up to the DofE presentation and I had a glimmer of hope that he was trying to apologise for what he'd said and prove that he still needed me. But in the end he changed his option and now I'm doing DofE on my own. Either that or I'll have to pick something else, but I really don't know what else to pick.
I'm stuck for options and I'm on my own. I don't know what to do with myself anymore and I just feel like this past year has been a whole lie.
I just want to feel like he needs me. He told me that he still loved me this morning, but he hasn't done anything about it. Instead, he's proved to me that actually he doesn't need me around and that he probably has a much better life sticking with his friends.
So.. yeah. I guess I hate my life right now, but no one else knows it.
I thought I'd found the person I would spend the rest of my life with - we've discussed getting through Uni and coming out the other side and eventually living together and having a lovely life. I guess emptiness is inevitable when you become that attached to someone who isn't as attached to you. He doesn't need me like I do, and he made it pretty clear he wanted me to go away and not come back.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck and I'm empty and I just want to lay in bed and never get up again.
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