so i'm planning myself a fresh start for the new year. things are not working out and i want to leave as much behind as possible. i'm not gonna make myself a tick list, just.. if i come across something that sucks to hell, out of my life it goes. this way, i have a whole week left of holiday to get over the loss and i can get back to school and keep myself busy with shitty school work that sucks to hell.
i knew as soon as i made this mental note a couple of weeks ago that i would be someway or another get rid of something unhealthy for the new year.
and yes, i'm talking about you.
i'm tired of always coming second to your stupid games, how you can never take me seriously. i'm all up for being best friends but when you disregard my feelings when i actually feel them, you can have a taste of your own medicine.
i do not care anymore about you or your stupid life or your stupid friends or your stupid games.
there. all done. im tired of always feeling shit cus you make me feel that way. im sick of you being such a fucking dictator of everything, telling me how i feel cus you supposedly know me so well. well actually you don't. because you're not willing to put in the effort to find out. as soon as you hear something you don't like, you knock me down so i can't get back up. i have buried too many feelings because of you and it's time to find my feet again so i can actually live my life how i choose to.
see ya later. happy new year, dick.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
hum
i dunno if you still read this.. perhaps not.. it's nothing too interesting nowadays anyway.. but if you see this anytime soon i just want you to know that i miss you.
you're lacking in effort and i feel like i put a lot of effort in without getting too much out of it. i realise that i can't keep living in the past and things will never be the same as they were in the beginning because we know each other too well. so instead i want to focus on growing as new people, becoming independent together.
however i get the impression you're not afraid of anything anymore. you trust me and you say you love me, but i just feel like you've become comfortable in a routine that wouldn't kill you to give up. that's not the love i want.
the times have been good and i hope you find everything you're looking for.
</3
you're lacking in effort and i feel like i put a lot of effort in without getting too much out of it. i realise that i can't keep living in the past and things will never be the same as they were in the beginning because we know each other too well. so instead i want to focus on growing as new people, becoming independent together.
however i get the impression you're not afraid of anything anymore. you trust me and you say you love me, but i just feel like you've become comfortable in a routine that wouldn't kill you to give up. that's not the love i want.
the times have been good and i hope you find everything you're looking for.
</3
Thursday, 8 December 2011
do it like a dude
woohoo! really obsessed with jessie j atm!
im in the choir and tonight we're singing at a carol service so we have been practising all morning and my voice is sore. and now i've gotta go sing and do it all again oh deeaarrr... not to mention the christmas showcase this time next week! :O
it's ben's birthday next wednesday, im excited for him to get his present woo! he will love it hopefully!
i had a pretty decent birthday, much better than it has been in previous years (minus all those ones as a kid til about the age of 10) and i got nice presents like a nice teddy bear! :D and some nice snuggly boots and clothes and stuff woop :D
i am soooo tireddddd maaannnnn :( need a nice snuggle with my benjamin plx
me and my friends are having a movie night on friday and kirsty's got me a birthday present so i cant wait tehe! okay cheese cheese done bye tehe
im in the choir and tonight we're singing at a carol service so we have been practising all morning and my voice is sore. and now i've gotta go sing and do it all again oh deeaarrr... not to mention the christmas showcase this time next week! :O
it's ben's birthday next wednesday, im excited for him to get his present woo! he will love it hopefully!
i had a pretty decent birthday, much better than it has been in previous years (minus all those ones as a kid til about the age of 10) and i got nice presents like a nice teddy bear! :D and some nice snuggly boots and clothes and stuff woop :D
i am soooo tireddddd maaannnnn :( need a nice snuggle with my benjamin plx
me and my friends are having a movie night on friday and kirsty's got me a birthday present so i cant wait tehe! okay cheese cheese done bye tehe
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Thursday, 1 December 2011
woop
yes, guys, this is one of those crazy rare times where I blog because I'm happy!
don't get me wrong, I'm happier more often than this blog makes out but at the moment I am happy because I know something I wish I didn't and I'm excited that I know but I'm kinda sad cus I wish I didn't but it's awesome because it's awesome.
all I'mma say is: It's my birthday in 6 days! woohoo! i'm excited for my birthday, which is rare. it's been years since i was this excited.
i think recently my relationship with Ben has been a little lacking because of the linear pattern of day to day life: both of our birthdays are a week apart and they're just weeks away from christmas, so there are no events that happen throughout the year - especially during the summer. it's not that it gets boring, it's just that there is nothing to make an effort for. but now that the spark in the relationship has been renewed, I am excited for my birthday and spending christmas with Ben. ^^
also, i have found things to do that occupy me when Ben is doing other things, like playing games or doing homework or being at work. also, I have a lot of homework.. -_-
my eyes have been opened up to a new view of life and.. i've gotta say.. i'm loving it. :)
peace!
^ not joking.
don't get me wrong, I'm happier more often than this blog makes out but at the moment I am happy because I know something I wish I didn't and I'm excited that I know but I'm kinda sad cus I wish I didn't but it's awesome because it's awesome.
all I'mma say is: It's my birthday in 6 days! woohoo! i'm excited for my birthday, which is rare. it's been years since i was this excited.
i think recently my relationship with Ben has been a little lacking because of the linear pattern of day to day life: both of our birthdays are a week apart and they're just weeks away from christmas, so there are no events that happen throughout the year - especially during the summer. it's not that it gets boring, it's just that there is nothing to make an effort for. but now that the spark in the relationship has been renewed, I am excited for my birthday and spending christmas with Ben. ^^
also, i have found things to do that occupy me when Ben is doing other things, like playing games or doing homework or being at work. also, I have a lot of homework.. -_-
my eyes have been opened up to a new view of life and.. i've gotta say.. i'm loving it. :)
peace!
^ not joking.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
hey, soul sister
i just had the best day in a long time. :)
last night i stayed over at Ben's house and it was so nice ^^ we just chilled out and snuggled in bed and i'd like to think that everything is definitely okay now between me and him. i've been avoiding telling people that we're back together when they ask just in case this is a fluke, but i think things are getting more and more stable by the day. this saturday he's taking me shopping because it's my birthday next wednesday - i'll be 17 omigosh :O mum says she's getting me driving lessons for my birthday. :D
one of my friends covered a very good song and i just wanted to share. here it is.
last night i stayed over at Ben's house and it was so nice ^^ we just chilled out and snuggled in bed and i'd like to think that everything is definitely okay now between me and him. i've been avoiding telling people that we're back together when they ask just in case this is a fluke, but i think things are getting more and more stable by the day. this saturday he's taking me shopping because it's my birthday next wednesday - i'll be 17 omigosh :O mum says she's getting me driving lessons for my birthday. :D
one of my friends covered a very good song and i just wanted to share. here it is.
Saturday, 26 November 2011
inspiration + motivation
these are tough times. i need someone to get me through all this doubt clogging my mind.
tonight someone special showed me that he is with me every step of the way. with his strength i hope to get through this. he will always look out for me and he's opened my eyes to a very optimistic point of view. he has opened up my mind and brought my true self to the surface and i think i may just be able to get through this with his help.
anyways, i need to go to bed, and so does he :P
goodnight. ^^
tonight someone special showed me that he is with me every step of the way. with his strength i hope to get through this. he will always look out for me and he's opened my eyes to a very optimistic point of view. he has opened up my mind and brought my true self to the surface and i think i may just be able to get through this with his help.
anyways, i need to go to bed, and so does he :P
goodnight. ^^
Friday, 25 November 2011
ben and i have come to a mutual decision to end our relationship.
i guess i was reaching out at fairytales and getting disappointed when things didn't go the way i visioned them. i want someone who will smother me in love and kisses - someone who will love me as much as i love them. but how i will love anyone as much as i did ben, i will never know. i guess this is really where 'time heals all wounds' comes into play. well, we shall see.
i honestly thought this was it. this was my life set: someone who motivated me, someone who cared for me and would look after me through thick and thin. he told me he loved me and he looked out for me as much as he could. he tried to be there for me as much as possible.. but to me it was like a drug - the more he made me feel like he needed me, the duller it got and i just needed more. but he couldn't give me more and it ended up just not being enough.
we're both as bad as each other, but only because we're so different. of course, right now I'm like sobsob how will i go on with liiffeee aahhhh but if you go through life never feeling that then what have you to live for. now i have to get back on my feet somehow and find a way to dull down this ache in my chest.
tomorrow i will pack his things into a bag and i will go with mum to drop off the stuff. i want to see him one last time, to say goodbye properly. i've missed him so much lately what with all this schoolwork and im so clingy i felt like no amount of time was ever enough. i was looking forward to spending this weekend with him so badly but then for some reason i told him i had too much work and that we should not see each other. i guess i just wanted him to say 'no lyn, please, can't you at least stay friday night and do work on sunday?' but he didn't.
ugh. this has left me feeling so hopeless. i dont feel any sort of release or.. anything. i just want to curl up in your arms as if nothing's happened. but you agreed and you don't want me. my emotions are so mixed. i will come and say goodbye properly: pour out my heart with no intentions other than to justify myself because i feel like i am lacking purpose. i have so much to spill and you are the only person i can talk to. i know that there is no going back now but it's more for myself than you, i guess. i want to get it all off my chest so i can sleep easy with myself.
i dont have much else to say in this blog, but you might not hear from me for a while. or you might, i dunno. depends on.. stuff. yeah. hm.
i guess i was reaching out at fairytales and getting disappointed when things didn't go the way i visioned them. i want someone who will smother me in love and kisses - someone who will love me as much as i love them. but how i will love anyone as much as i did ben, i will never know. i guess this is really where 'time heals all wounds' comes into play. well, we shall see.
i honestly thought this was it. this was my life set: someone who motivated me, someone who cared for me and would look after me through thick and thin. he told me he loved me and he looked out for me as much as he could. he tried to be there for me as much as possible.. but to me it was like a drug - the more he made me feel like he needed me, the duller it got and i just needed more. but he couldn't give me more and it ended up just not being enough.
we're both as bad as each other, but only because we're so different. of course, right now I'm like sobsob how will i go on with liiffeee aahhhh but if you go through life never feeling that then what have you to live for. now i have to get back on my feet somehow and find a way to dull down this ache in my chest.
tomorrow i will pack his things into a bag and i will go with mum to drop off the stuff. i want to see him one last time, to say goodbye properly. i've missed him so much lately what with all this schoolwork and im so clingy i felt like no amount of time was ever enough. i was looking forward to spending this weekend with him so badly but then for some reason i told him i had too much work and that we should not see each other. i guess i just wanted him to say 'no lyn, please, can't you at least stay friday night and do work on sunday?' but he didn't.
ugh. this has left me feeling so hopeless. i dont feel any sort of release or.. anything. i just want to curl up in your arms as if nothing's happened. but you agreed and you don't want me. my emotions are so mixed. i will come and say goodbye properly: pour out my heart with no intentions other than to justify myself because i feel like i am lacking purpose. i have so much to spill and you are the only person i can talk to. i know that there is no going back now but it's more for myself than you, i guess. i want to get it all off my chest so i can sleep easy with myself.
i dont have much else to say in this blog, but you might not hear from me for a while. or you might, i dunno. depends on.. stuff. yeah. hm.
routine
i'm sick of it. i don't need this and you don't need me. just go and don't come back and i promise not to watch you walk away.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
fenech-soler
been obsessed with these guys recently - a friend showed me their music in a free one time and now i go home and listen to them all evening. xD
really really should do homework cus i have a lot. but i just cannot bring myself.. to.. do.. homework.. argh!
meaaannnnwhhiiillleeeee.. [insert same old shit about relationship here]
stopped caring, etc. will just sit here til im needed, etc. umm what else.. want things back the way they were, etc. hate you, love you, etc. routine, not love, just scared of letting go, etc. don't know who you are, im not your friend, etc. can't talk to you about anything, reason for this blog, etc. go away cus youre a nob, etc. please just love me like i love you, etc. i need you but you don't need me, etc.
i always thought true love was the need for a certain someone to be close to you.. the need to be loved in return perhaps? i thought it was more than a want. i mean, hey man, i want chocolate spread in my sandwiches tomorrow is not the same as i need chocolate spread in my sandwiches tomorrow. i want to spend the rest of my life with you is not the same as i need to spend the rest of my life with you.
just need to get out. be somewhere new. find some other place to settle down and stay there and totally forget about who i used to be.
was thinking about it in the shower. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you! Ha! As if! I was imagining what it might be like. Realistically. Yes, everyone wants that idyllic life of a lovely house and a nice family, waking up next to "that person" *heartz* BLEH. what-ever. what we said is a whole bunch of bull.
you'll wake up early and do a bit of gaming before you go to work. you'll come home from work and say 'man, i need to relax' and shove on your headphones and do a bit of gaming. you'll come away from the computer when dinner's ready. you'll sit and have dinner at the computer, most probably. or in your computer chair. and then when dinner's done you'll go back to your gaming. she'll go to bed and you'll still be sat there at the screen. when it hits 1 or 2 in the morning, you'll decide to turn in and start over when you wake up.
BOOORRINNNGGG. a-nothankyou. goodbye. see ya.
really really should do homework cus i have a lot. but i just cannot bring myself.. to.. do.. homework.. argh!
meaaannnnwhhiiillleeeee.. [insert same old shit about relationship here]
stopped caring, etc. will just sit here til im needed, etc. umm what else.. want things back the way they were, etc. hate you, love you, etc. routine, not love, just scared of letting go, etc. don't know who you are, im not your friend, etc. can't talk to you about anything, reason for this blog, etc. go away cus youre a nob, etc. please just love me like i love you, etc. i need you but you don't need me, etc.
i always thought true love was the need for a certain someone to be close to you.. the need to be loved in return perhaps? i thought it was more than a want. i mean, hey man, i want chocolate spread in my sandwiches tomorrow is not the same as i need chocolate spread in my sandwiches tomorrow. i want to spend the rest of my life with you is not the same as i need to spend the rest of my life with you.
just need to get out. be somewhere new. find some other place to settle down and stay there and totally forget about who i used to be.
was thinking about it in the shower. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you! Ha! As if! I was imagining what it might be like. Realistically. Yes, everyone wants that idyllic life of a lovely house and a nice family, waking up next to "that person" *heartz* BLEH. what-ever. what we said is a whole bunch of bull.
you'll wake up early and do a bit of gaming before you go to work. you'll come home from work and say 'man, i need to relax' and shove on your headphones and do a bit of gaming. you'll come away from the computer when dinner's ready. you'll sit and have dinner at the computer, most probably. or in your computer chair. and then when dinner's done you'll go back to your gaming. she'll go to bed and you'll still be sat there at the screen. when it hits 1 or 2 in the morning, you'll decide to turn in and start over when you wake up.
BOOORRINNNGGG. a-nothankyou. goodbye. see ya.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
rethinking.
things just aint how they used to be, y'know? lots of things have changed, lots of people have changed. I know I have changed. But not dramatically.. not so that I'm this whole new person. Or at least I don't want to have changed like that.
though.. i can't help feeling that actually i have just become a different person. i feel like i am just somebody else to you now and we're just not .. compatible?haha, ironic.
i know you. i know you like the back of my hand. and it's sad because i know things i dont want to know. feelings exist in you that i dont want to exist. and it's tough going through everyday with that knowledge trying to push its way to the front of my mind. trying to shout 'hey! you know me! dont forget me! i am the truth.'
recently i have been trying to keep myself busy with friends, saying no where otherwise i would have usually said yes. trying to convince myself that i don't need you anymore in the same way that you don't need me. i've been saying to myself, hey, look at what a great time i'm having with my friends. isn't this fab? well yeah. of course it is. but you're not there. you're not my friend anymore.
so who are you? this mysterious personality i fell in love with nearly three years ago. a personality that only exists because i make him up? have you changed? are you somebody else?
or am I?
though.. i can't help feeling that actually i have just become a different person. i feel like i am just somebody else to you now and we're just not .. compatible?
i know you. i know you like the back of my hand. and it's sad because i know things i dont want to know. feelings exist in you that i dont want to exist. and it's tough going through everyday with that knowledge trying to push its way to the front of my mind. trying to shout 'hey! you know me! dont forget me! i am the truth.'
recently i have been trying to keep myself busy with friends, saying no where otherwise i would have usually said yes. trying to convince myself that i don't need you anymore in the same way that you don't need me. i've been saying to myself, hey, look at what a great time i'm having with my friends. isn't this fab? well yeah. of course it is. but you're not there. you're not my friend anymore.
so who are you? this mysterious personality i fell in love with nearly three years ago. a personality that only exists because i make him up? have you changed? are you somebody else?
or am I?
Friday, 4 November 2011
just so's yknow
ben and I have started up our own blog of a vareity of whatever we feel like posting at whatever time so go and have a look :)
www.benjalynblog.blogspot.com
www.benjalynblog.blogspot.com
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
bleh
dontcha just love life. have nothing to do and no one to talk to. come second to the people who matter the most. would rather not see you than see you and then be forgotten in seconds. tidying up my room and finding old things to throw out. probably for the best.
Friday, 21 October 2011
hypocrisy (sp.?)
I am sick to the back teeth of people being so depressed about EVERYTHING. I am tired of people not living up to life cus they're too chicken/too comfortable under their duvets to face the sunlight.
I know that sometimes I can be completely and utterly hopeless and I'm like urghh life is gay hate life blah blah BUT SERIOUSLY. I've had enough of myself and I've had enough of other people like that. If I need cheering up I go looking for it! I don't sit and mope (for too long anyway ¬¬) but recently I have just been so like..
cannooottt be bothereddd listening to people whining and moaning and making life hard for themselves cus theyre just being stupid.
man up, bitches!
peace.
I know that sometimes I can be completely and utterly hopeless and I'm like urghh life is gay hate life blah blah BUT SERIOUSLY. I've had enough of myself and I've had enough of other people like that. If I need cheering up I go looking for it! I don't sit and mope (for too long anyway ¬¬) but recently I have just been so like..
cannooottt be bothereddd listening to people whining and moaning and making life hard for themselves cus theyre just being stupid.
man up, bitches!
peace.
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Sunday, 16 October 2011
sundown - charlie simpson
it's funny how music can move you; when you find that right song that catches your heart and pulls you in.
i am a big fan of pretty music, soft music with gorgeous harmonies and blahblahblah and i found this song on my friend's acoustic playlist on spotify and instantly fell in love. it's not a song i listen to cus of the lyrics, but the chorus and his voice really takes my breath away. i need to find headphones for my phone so i can listen to this song in bed - it makes me feel happy moments and sad moments and provokes memories and makes me think of my future.
a song like this can never grow old. i've been listening to it when i get the chance this weekend and even now, for the thousandth time, it still brings tears to my eyes.
just wanted to share, cus it has become something of a soother of hard times for me, and i hope you like it.
i am a big fan of pretty music, soft music with gorgeous harmonies and blahblahblah and i found this song on my friend's acoustic playlist on spotify and instantly fell in love. it's not a song i listen to cus of the lyrics, but the chorus and his voice really takes my breath away. i need to find headphones for my phone so i can listen to this song in bed - it makes me feel happy moments and sad moments and provokes memories and makes me think of my future.
a song like this can never grow old. i've been listening to it when i get the chance this weekend and even now, for the thousandth time, it still brings tears to my eyes.
just wanted to share, cus it has become something of a soother of hard times for me, and i hope you like it.
Thursday, 13 October 2011
weekend
tomorrow is mufti day THANK GOD i can put on some jeans and wear a hoodie and just be comfy in my clothes for once!
and also i am very much looking forward to the weekend because i get to spend it with ben! tomorrow is our last day at school for two weeks and i SOoooOOoo need the holiday omg i am so knackered. xD
and also i am very much looking forward to the weekend because i get to spend it with ben! tomorrow is our last day at school for two weeks and i SOoooOOoo need the holiday omg i am so knackered. xD
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
mental health
okay so, since this is my blog and i can put what i want, i just wanted to share with you what I have been up to this evening.
basically, the other day Ben said he took an OCD test and came out as actually having it (these are online tests btw so i don't take them too literally) so I decided to take some tests and the first one I took was a bipolar disorder test. i have considered possibly having it and ben often calls me bipolar in arguments, blah blah xD so i just decided to take one just to see what i'd get.
Based upon your responses to this bipolar disorder quiz, you appear to be suffering from moderate to severe symptoms associated with a bipolar disorder. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder and have sought professional treatment for this disorder. (You may, however, still fit into the less serious diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder.)
I scored 46 and 36 - 50 was moderate to severe symptoms. But obviously, this is an online test so I'm taking it with a pinch of salt!
I also took a romantic attachment test and what came out was pretty accurate! :O
You have described yourself as preoccupied in your attachments. This suggests that you have more intense interpersonal relations than many people do, that in your romantic relations you sometimes feel really quite close, and at other times you feel almost estranged and cut-off. You probably have a hard time asserting yourself in a way that makes you feel you are really in control of your emotions. You may find that you often feel let down and as if you are giving much more than you get in your romances.
It's possible that your partners feel as if you don't really know who they are, even though you feel you are very intimate with them. You probably have a higher level of emotional arousal than most other people, both positive and negative, and this gets expressed in your romantic relationships. You may find it hard to be without a lover, and yet find that when you have a lover, the intensity puts a strain on the relationship.
Being preoccupied in romance is a matter of degree. A good lover thinks of the beloved often and holds the beloved in her or his thoughts. Mindfulness is a virtue and being mindful of one's lover is highly regarded and a tremendous asset in close relationships. But there's a difference between mindfulness and preoccupation. If you feel that perhaps you have been too preoccupied in love, it may be time for you to consider professional help. Being overly preoccupied in love is a condition that can often be successfully addressed in psychotherapy.
Remember that attachment styles exist in degrees, and in this test, the degree to which a style is true for you will make a difference in your interpretation. Everyone has to have some style or another, and the features of any one style only become maladaptive when they exist in the extreme.
this is a lot to read for you guys if you're actually reading it xD but I just wanted to share with you what I got. I kinda suspected I might have bipolar disorder - only mildly - but was too scared to say anything because I don't want people saying 'omg lyn shut up youre being stupid you just want things to be about you all the time you attention-seeker, how pathetic thinking you have some kind of problem you're just weird' :S so yeah.
anyway xD laters
basically, the other day Ben said he took an OCD test and came out as actually having it (these are online tests btw so i don't take them too literally) so I decided to take some tests and the first one I took was a bipolar disorder test. i have considered possibly having it and ben often calls me bipolar in arguments, blah blah xD so i just decided to take one just to see what i'd get.
Based upon your responses to this bipolar disorder quiz, you appear to be suffering from moderate to severe symptoms associated with a bipolar disorder. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder and have sought professional treatment for this disorder. (You may, however, still fit into the less serious diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder.)
I scored 46 and 36 - 50 was moderate to severe symptoms. But obviously, this is an online test so I'm taking it with a pinch of salt!
I also took a romantic attachment test and what came out was pretty accurate! :O
You have described yourself as preoccupied in your attachments. This suggests that you have more intense interpersonal relations than many people do, that in your romantic relations you sometimes feel really quite close, and at other times you feel almost estranged and cut-off. You probably have a hard time asserting yourself in a way that makes you feel you are really in control of your emotions. You may find that you often feel let down and as if you are giving much more than you get in your romances.
It's possible that your partners feel as if you don't really know who they are, even though you feel you are very intimate with them. You probably have a higher level of emotional arousal than most other people, both positive and negative, and this gets expressed in your romantic relationships. You may find it hard to be without a lover, and yet find that when you have a lover, the intensity puts a strain on the relationship.
Being preoccupied in romance is a matter of degree. A good lover thinks of the beloved often and holds the beloved in her or his thoughts. Mindfulness is a virtue and being mindful of one's lover is highly regarded and a tremendous asset in close relationships. But there's a difference between mindfulness and preoccupation. If you feel that perhaps you have been too preoccupied in love, it may be time for you to consider professional help. Being overly preoccupied in love is a condition that can often be successfully addressed in psychotherapy.
Remember that attachment styles exist in degrees, and in this test, the degree to which a style is true for you will make a difference in your interpretation. Everyone has to have some style or another, and the features of any one style only become maladaptive when they exist in the extreme.
this is a lot to read for you guys if you're actually reading it xD but I just wanted to share with you what I got. I kinda suspected I might have bipolar disorder - only mildly - but was too scared to say anything because I don't want people saying 'omg lyn shut up youre being stupid you just want things to be about you all the time you attention-seeker, how pathetic thinking you have some kind of problem you're just weird' :S so yeah.
anyway xD laters
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Friday, 7 October 2011
screw it. absolutely fuck it. fuck fuck fuck fuck it.
im sorry, what is this? a what? just friends. bitter friends. friends who have history. probably not friends at all. what do i mean to you? im not sure anymore. after putting in so much effort, i've just come out of it feeling disappointed. i dont know what to do anymore. it seems everything is on strictly feel-like-it terms and to you im more of a fun way to pass the time than an actual need - than actual love.
i wish i could bring myself to end this before it gets out of hand but the idiot side of me that is willing to go through all this hurt is holding me back. i dont want to be on my own and i most certainly just need a good night's sleep with you by my side to make it all better and i wish i could say 'and you know you need it too' but i'm not sure what you need anymore because you never tell me and it's all just so awkward now that im not sure where i stand and how you see me.
you dont miss me, you dont need me. a lot of the time you would be better off without me. you never want to spend time with me and im scared that you're gonna leave me soon. im scared that you will see how much of a burden this whole situation is and youre just gonna get up and say 'i've have enough' and just leave me. and if there's nothing i'm scared of more it's you leaving me.
i need you and i want you and i love you and it hurts.
im sorry, what is this? a what? just friends. bitter friends. friends who have history. probably not friends at all. what do i mean to you? im not sure anymore. after putting in so much effort, i've just come out of it feeling disappointed. i dont know what to do anymore. it seems everything is on strictly feel-like-it terms and to you im more of a fun way to pass the time than an actual need - than actual love.
i wish i could bring myself to end this before it gets out of hand but the idiot side of me that is willing to go through all this hurt is holding me back. i dont want to be on my own and i most certainly just need a good night's sleep with you by my side to make it all better and i wish i could say 'and you know you need it too' but i'm not sure what you need anymore because you never tell me and it's all just so awkward now that im not sure where i stand and how you see me.
you dont miss me, you dont need me. a lot of the time you would be better off without me. you never want to spend time with me and im scared that you're gonna leave me soon. im scared that you will see how much of a burden this whole situation is and youre just gonna get up and say 'i've have enough' and just leave me. and if there's nothing i'm scared of more it's you leaving me.
i need you and i want you and i love you and it hurts.
ahhhh... sigh.
things have gone backwards. i'm spending yet another weekend alone - alone as in not with ben. but i am spending tomorrow evening with a friend and we're gonna have a chinese and maybe watch a film, just me and him. i'm really looking forward to it, he's such a good friend and he's totally up for spending his evening with me! which is more i can say for someone ..
so yeah... not feeling too appreciated at the moment and i will continue to tell myself that things will change until they do. i don't want to throw away two of the best years of my life. not yet, anyway.
so yeah... not feeling too appreciated at the moment and i will continue to tell myself that things will change until they do. i don't want to throw away two of the best years of my life. not yet, anyway.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Okay. So from now on I am going to aim to write two things good for everything bad on this blog, because before it mainly consisted of bad things that I felt I couldn't talk to about anything, and the lack of good things made me seem like the world was against me and that I have this awful life, etc. when actually I don't. So here goes.
Today I had a great time in school seeing Ben because I actually felt like he was happy to see me, with all the cuddles and 'oo lynnie cuddle cuddle' stuff. And it made me really happy, it really did. I feel like things are finally turning around -- that is, I did until something happened earlier that made my heart sink so low in myself that I swear it was starting to get dissolved by my stomach acid - haha very funny.
On texts to me, ben puts around three or four texts - five if I've put millions (lol). But today ben accidentally sent me a text that was meant for this girl who I really really really REALLY hate. She is so so so pretty and has amazing dress sense but she is also a fucking bomb waiting to blow up everything you have built up for yourself in life - emotions, memories, trust, reasoning - all of it. Boom.
Last year, ben and I were going through a rough patch and he ended up .. it wasn't exactly cheating but it broke my heart like as if it were. Nothing spectacular happened, just blah and then some anger and then some promises and it was all forgotten.
So this text yesterday, apparently she was asking about homework. Okay, sure, fine, no problem. Except that this text was asking her 'what do you do in dancing? xxx' so it wasn't actually about homework and it had three kisses on the end. His excuse was that he was putting kisses to be polite - but last time I checked, you would only put one kiss on if that were so. So how many kisses was she sending to him if the ones he were sending back were polite kisses?! Urgh! I'm so angry because I have to let it go. I have to not ask questions even tho I have a right to because if I did then that would be being controlling.
So that put me in a rubbish mood, but I spoke to a friend about it so I managed to get most of it off my chest. So yeah. Urgh.
Anyway, this evening I had an alright time playing LoL with Ben and his friends - I suck so I get shouted at but I would rather that than no communication at all. Besides, having bens friends there made it kinda funny cus they don't shout at me and they made jokes and stuff so yeah. I had an alright evening. Smiley face.
Sleepy time now, my thumbs hurt. ;D night!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Saturday, 1 October 2011
spontaneous2
this is a poem i once wrote for ben and also i entered it for a poetry competition at school and it won a prize! yay!
Red is for apples, the sweetest of May
That fall to the ground in pure disarray
Orange is fire, the flames and decay
That char all the anger and keep it at bay
Yellow like pollen and the sun and its beams
Your hair and the stardust and gold diamond rings
Green like the limes that are tingly and sour
Chilled and refreshing just like a spring shower
Blue are your eyes that match the sea and the sky
Solemn and calm as the hours go by
Indigo is promising, just like the wind
That whispers and carries hope on its wings
Violet like velvet; the caress of your skin
That soothes and embraces all that we’ve been
To you and to me, to the world at our feet
To forever and beyond, as one and complete
♥
That fall to the ground in pure disarray
Orange is fire, the flames and decay
That char all the anger and keep it at bay
Yellow like pollen and the sun and its beams
Your hair and the stardust and gold diamond rings
Green like the limes that are tingly and sour
Chilled and refreshing just like a spring shower
Blue are your eyes that match the sea and the sky
Solemn and calm as the hours go by
Indigo is promising, just like the wind
That whispers and carries hope on its wings
Violet like velvet; the caress of your skin
That soothes and embraces all that we’ve been
To you and to me, to the world at our feet
To forever and beyond, as one and complete
♥
spontaneous
so the other night i randomly decided to write a story and I ended up starting out with the night my daddy died. but then it got into a whole other business that i would just like to share with you.. if you would take the time to read it i would much appreciate it and hopefully so will you, Ben. :) <3
Ben and I started taking interest in each other in year nine, when the science classes got moved around and we got put in the same class. He always stood out with his strawberry blonde hair and his hilarious sense of humour. He was so popular and so clever, and knew the answer to most questions. He was one of those people who rarely put their hand up and tended to shout out instead but no one minded because he asked good questions and gave the right answers. He was funny and said funny things and he was really nice and friendly.
One lesson, our teacher put us into groups for an experiment with the light boxes, and Ben and I were put in the same group. He made me laugh so much and I enjoyed being around him. He made me happy even back then, and, to be honest, I had always had my eye on him since my friend told me she fancied him in year eight. I knew his name but he didn’t know mine - he had gone to primary school with my other friend who always pointed him out when he walked past. When I saw that he had been put in the same science class as me, I would sometimes walk in a pluck up enough courage to say hello. I had to pluck up courage because he was so popular and totally out of my league. He had so many friends who wanted to talk to him all the time and I would think, ‘Why would someone as loved as him want to talk to a nobody like me?’
His lockers were opposite mine and he started to say hi to me in between in each lesson when we saw each other. I would smile politely back at him trying not to look too interested because he was so out of my league that if we couldn’t be together, we should just be good friends. But then saying ‘hi’ turned into hugs and he started saving a seat for me next to him in our English lessons that we had shared since the beginning of year nine.
We watched Romeo and Juliet (the version with Leonardo Dicaprio in it) as part of studying Shakespeare and I was sitting next to him. Our table was an L shape, and Ben and his friend were sat on one side and my friend and I on the other. Ben and I were sat on the corner and he nudged his foot against mine. Then he moved his arm towards mine and put his hand in mine.
There was another time when we went into the Weston Theatre to watch the year eights do an election thing as part of their citizenship classes. He saved me a seat next to him and then, when it had ended and we were slowly emptying the theatre, he held my hand and held it firmly like he didn’t want to let go. When we got to the lockers he waited for me to gather my things and then leaned in to kiss me before he left. Silly ol’ me turned away at the last minute because I panicked and now I regret it because I did want him to kiss me.
That was the only time in my life that I have felt so wanted. There has never been a point in my life that I can remember in which I have felt even close to an equivalence of that moment.
That summer I went on holiday to the Philippines since we have family there and we stayed there for six weeks. I missed him and when I got back he told me he had missed me. While I was there I had had a lot of time to sit on the beach and watch the sunset and reflect on what I really wanted. And I did want this - I did want to be with Ben.
When I got back I went to his house, still just friends, to watch him play Final Fantasy VII (because that had been my excuse to see him outside of school and go to his house and spend time with him). In the end, I watched him play a bit of Portal and then we watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. His room is tiny and we had to sit on the bed to watch the TV. I put my head on his shoulder and he kissed me a few times on the cheek. I had a good time and definitely wanted to have more of those moments.
From the Tuesday after that weekend, we became official. We told everyone that we were together and when people asked us, ‘Who asked who out?’ We would said, ‘Neither of us. It just happened.’ This made me feel so grown up because it was mature and it was genuine - we both fell for each other and we both decided, without having to discuss or ask questions, that we wanted to be with each other.
And from there it was plain sailing. We would see each other nearly every weekend and we would talk on MSN after school and he would tell me how much he wanted to be with me at that moment and when I said goodnight he’d say, ‘I will do whatever it takes to talk to you tomorrow because you are the most important thing to me.’ And I believed it and he did - he would wait for me after lessons and hold my hand walking to and from our lockers.
that was as far as I got but there is other stuff on my computer that I would also like to share!
Ben and I started taking interest in each other in year nine, when the science classes got moved around and we got put in the same class. He always stood out with his strawberry blonde hair and his hilarious sense of humour. He was so popular and so clever, and knew the answer to most questions. He was one of those people who rarely put their hand up and tended to shout out instead but no one minded because he asked good questions and gave the right answers. He was funny and said funny things and he was really nice and friendly.
One lesson, our teacher put us into groups for an experiment with the light boxes, and Ben and I were put in the same group. He made me laugh so much and I enjoyed being around him. He made me happy even back then, and, to be honest, I had always had my eye on him since my friend told me she fancied him in year eight. I knew his name but he didn’t know mine - he had gone to primary school with my other friend who always pointed him out when he walked past. When I saw that he had been put in the same science class as me, I would sometimes walk in a pluck up enough courage to say hello. I had to pluck up courage because he was so popular and totally out of my league. He had so many friends who wanted to talk to him all the time and I would think, ‘Why would someone as loved as him want to talk to a nobody like me?’
His lockers were opposite mine and he started to say hi to me in between in each lesson when we saw each other. I would smile politely back at him trying not to look too interested because he was so out of my league that if we couldn’t be together, we should just be good friends. But then saying ‘hi’ turned into hugs and he started saving a seat for me next to him in our English lessons that we had shared since the beginning of year nine.
We watched Romeo and Juliet (the version with Leonardo Dicaprio in it) as part of studying Shakespeare and I was sitting next to him. Our table was an L shape, and Ben and his friend were sat on one side and my friend and I on the other. Ben and I were sat on the corner and he nudged his foot against mine. Then he moved his arm towards mine and put his hand in mine.
There was another time when we went into the Weston Theatre to watch the year eights do an election thing as part of their citizenship classes. He saved me a seat next to him and then, when it had ended and we were slowly emptying the theatre, he held my hand and held it firmly like he didn’t want to let go. When we got to the lockers he waited for me to gather my things and then leaned in to kiss me before he left. Silly ol’ me turned away at the last minute because I panicked and now I regret it because I did want him to kiss me.
That was the only time in my life that I have felt so wanted. There has never been a point in my life that I can remember in which I have felt even close to an equivalence of that moment.
That summer I went on holiday to the Philippines since we have family there and we stayed there for six weeks. I missed him and when I got back he told me he had missed me. While I was there I had had a lot of time to sit on the beach and watch the sunset and reflect on what I really wanted. And I did want this - I did want to be with Ben.
When I got back I went to his house, still just friends, to watch him play Final Fantasy VII (because that had been my excuse to see him outside of school and go to his house and spend time with him). In the end, I watched him play a bit of Portal and then we watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. His room is tiny and we had to sit on the bed to watch the TV. I put my head on his shoulder and he kissed me a few times on the cheek. I had a good time and definitely wanted to have more of those moments.
From the Tuesday after that weekend, we became official. We told everyone that we were together and when people asked us, ‘Who asked who out?’ We would said, ‘Neither of us. It just happened.’ This made me feel so grown up because it was mature and it was genuine - we both fell for each other and we both decided, without having to discuss or ask questions, that we wanted to be with each other.
And from there it was plain sailing. We would see each other nearly every weekend and we would talk on MSN after school and he would tell me how much he wanted to be with me at that moment and when I said goodnight he’d say, ‘I will do whatever it takes to talk to you tomorrow because you are the most important thing to me.’ And I believed it and he did - he would wait for me after lessons and hold my hand walking to and from our lockers.
that was as far as I got but there is other stuff on my computer that I would also like to share!
love
so after a horrible start to the day, things have gotten better. i've been sat in a call with ben and his mates while they played some games together and it made me feel better about being home alone.
he asked me if I wanted to go to his house tomorrow, but I'd already arranged to go to a movie night with some friends. argh! I'm so torn. I would absolutely love love love LOVE to go to his house tomorrow, but I can't abandon my friends. Not after everything they've done for me.
But I'm really in need of a cuddle, just to be held and felt loved if only for just a few seconds..
ahh, life is hard. love is hard work. and we're all so small and helpless.
he asked me if I wanted to go to his house tomorrow, but I'd already arranged to go to a movie night with some friends. argh! I'm so torn. I would absolutely love love love LOVE to go to his house tomorrow, but I can't abandon my friends. Not after everything they've done for me.
But I'm really in need of a cuddle, just to be held and felt loved if only for just a few seconds..
ahh, life is hard. love is hard work. and we're all so small and helpless.
if its worth having, its worth fighting for.
right then. that's it. i'm sick of arguing with you and i hate making silly plans like 'fine then we just wont ever talk' blah blah blah.
you once told me i was your soul mate, so watch me being your soul mate.
you once told me i was your soul mate, so watch me being your soul mate.
i love you.
I'm so fed up of being on my own all the time. This week has been one of the worst I've ever experienced and I've just been turned away by the one person I want to be with most of all.
Everyone is going out today and I need to stay home and do some work. I just want to be with someone, anyone now. I need to be held and I need someone to tell me everything is okay. I want you to stroke my hair like you do and I want you to make me laugh and smile. You're such an idiot but you're so funny and I just want to be with you right now.
I need a cuddle. :(
Everyone is going out today and I need to stay home and do some work. I just want to be with someone, anyone now. I need to be held and I need someone to tell me everything is okay. I want you to stroke my hair like you do and I want you to make me laugh and smile. You're such an idiot but you're so funny and I just want to be with you right now.
I need a cuddle. :(
Friday, 30 September 2011
hum.
I'm not sure what this is anymore. Love? I love him. But does he love me? Perhaps. Does he want me? Probably not. Why does he have to keep this going? Sometimes I wish he would leave me just to get out of this frustration but I want him. I want to be with him forever.
Love sucks. My heart is aching. I am lonely and in severe need of some company.
Hum.
Love sucks. My heart is aching. I am lonely and in severe need of some company.
Hum.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
This is absolute bollocks. Sure, I've said I've given up but I still can't help but feel ignored.. I go offline and stuff but there's no kind of 'you not coming on skype? x' thing.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE, JUST FUCKING SAY SO AND STOP WASTING MY TIME AND EMOTION.
I love you but if you don't give a shit cus you can't be arsed or whatever then fine - but say so cus I'm wasting all this love I give on you and that's the saddest thing.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
oh dear.
well today totally went to pot.
silly bickering over a meal we're supposed to be going to on saturday - and I thought well it'll just be for lunch but obviously what the fuck do I know.
anyway, it seems Bronwyn and I are going to have to organise this meal ourselves - Ben says I should make a decision for once in my life.. even though I do make a lot of decisions like deciding not to give a shit anymore and all this bollocks behind his back because if whats the point in telling him anything anyway. he just sits and plays games on his computer so what would he know about feelings.
his best friend is having a rough time in his relationship at the moment and the excuse Ben provided me with was that 'Maria is being a miserable bitch with him' and I just thought oh. so that's what you tell other people about our relationship. that I'm just a miserable bitch? there's is obviously some underlying reason as to why Maria is upset and calling her things like a 'miserable bitch' does not solve everything. who is Ben to judge Maria like that anyway?
All in all, Ben needs to realise that it's not all about him and other people have feelings too. today he told me he can't be bothered with my lax attitude anymore.. so.. screw him. If i ever feel like I can't be bothered then he can just go away because I can't be bothered having to always just be in one mood with him all the time. he might not be affected by anything because he doesn't speak to people unless he's staring at a computer screen, but I have feelings that he obviously doesn't understand and he needs to learn that sometimes I would just like to be with someone who understands. and if he doesn't understand and can't be bothered with me when I'm not happy, then why does he deserve me when I am happy?
I hate relationships. Today we did this shitty revisions thing and they were asking us to write down what was important to us and what we wanted to achieve in life and Ben wrote down on his sheet that he would still want to 'have lyn' as one of his goals. well thats just lovely. he can have me alright, because I will always need him in my life, and okay fine.
Y'know what? screw this. I give up. I will just give him what he wants from now on.. I have better people - namely friends - who understand me fully and are willing to listen to me. I don't need him for that - I will just be there for him and that will be it. He doesn't need to be there for me. Not anymore.
Fin.
silly bickering over a meal we're supposed to be going to on saturday - and I thought well it'll just be for lunch but obviously what the fuck do I know.
anyway, it seems Bronwyn and I are going to have to organise this meal ourselves - Ben says I should make a decision for once in my life.. even though I do make a lot of decisions like deciding not to give a shit anymore and all this bollocks behind his back because if whats the point in telling him anything anyway. he just sits and plays games on his computer so what would he know about feelings.
his best friend is having a rough time in his relationship at the moment and the excuse Ben provided me with was that 'Maria is being a miserable bitch with him' and I just thought oh. so that's what you tell other people about our relationship. that I'm just a miserable bitch? there's is obviously some underlying reason as to why Maria is upset and calling her things like a 'miserable bitch' does not solve everything. who is Ben to judge Maria like that anyway?
All in all, Ben needs to realise that it's not all about him and other people have feelings too. today he told me he can't be bothered with my lax attitude anymore.. so.. screw him. If i ever feel like I can't be bothered then he can just go away because I can't be bothered having to always just be in one mood with him all the time. he might not be affected by anything because he doesn't speak to people unless he's staring at a computer screen, but I have feelings that he obviously doesn't understand and he needs to learn that sometimes I would just like to be with someone who understands. and if he doesn't understand and can't be bothered with me when I'm not happy, then why does he deserve me when I am happy?
I hate relationships. Today we did this shitty revisions thing and they were asking us to write down what was important to us and what we wanted to achieve in life and Ben wrote down on his sheet that he would still want to 'have lyn' as one of his goals. well thats just lovely. he can have me alright, because I will always need him in my life, and okay fine.
Y'know what? screw this. I give up. I will just give him what he wants from now on.. I have better people - namely friends - who understand me fully and are willing to listen to me. I don't need him for that - I will just be there for him and that will be it. He doesn't need to be there for me. Not anymore.
Fin.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
I try not to be so skepital about things but its just so hard when almost every time I just get let down - promises, expectations.. I try not to fall for these things as much - not to look out for them being fulfilled because usually it leads to disappointment.
Ben told me that he missed me this evening, and I think he meant it. It wasn't in return for me telling him first and he told me that he missed everything about me and that it was because he doesn't get to see me properly anymore.
Well its about damn time! I'm hoping to see more of these moments because tonight I let myself feel a flicker of hope that we can get back on track with our relationship. I'm so happy that things might be turning around and if he does actually spend the whole of tomorrow with me like he said he was going to, I'm going to make the most out of it - this could just be a fluke - he could have just been listening to some inspiring music that caused him to feel like putting some effort in.
Of course, I musn't let myself get too carried away and I will try not to be expecting anything because I will likely be setting myself up just to fall down and hit the ground hard. Its such a massive deficit to my confidence when something rubbish happens when I was expecting the opposite and that has taken its toll on me over the years and now I struggle with what seemed to come naturally to me when I was little - talking to people.
I feel I can't talk to anyone now about personal things - problems, achievements, anything. Recently things have been bad in this relationship and its made me feel horrible about myself. After things have smoothened out with Ben, I will work towards becoming more confident - but first I need to stop having this rocky patch in our relationship get the better of me all the time, and the only way to do that is for things to get sorted out or for us to go our separate ways and for me to get over it all.
I most certainly hope it's not the latter, and I really do hope things go back to how they used to be. I would love things to go back to how they were in the beginning, but I would give anything just to go back to how it was six months ago even. I just want to feel wanted again, to feel good about myself because someone else does too, someone close to my heart and who means the world to me.
Anyway, I should get to bed. Night.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
reality.
damnit, I listen to too many songs sung by guys who want to treat girls like princesses.. y'know, those songs where they would stand on the street corner and wait to see you pass by, or singing about them not minding having to stand out in the rain just to be with you. Songs about guys wanting girls just to feel special and wanted.
reality sucks.
reality sucks.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
an unseen sadness.
well.. it is breaking my heart to say it but I don't think Ben wants me anymore. We're only just a little more than friends now. When we go home we go our separate ways and we don't really see each other at school anymore - walking to our next lesson is about it. We don't speak anymore - there's no such thing as 'Hi, how was your day?' anymore.
when we had that massive argument where I promised I would change for him, things did get slightly better and I gave him space and we had loads more to talk about. But now he can't even be bothered to make any sort of conversation anymore.
He only talks to me if he needs something from me, but other than that it's strictly, 'If I can be bothered.' If there's something up then he's not telling me. And I can't ask him because he sits and plays games all evening with other people.
So we've hit a dead end, yet again, and I am willing to keep this going for as long as I can because I still love him and I refuse to let him go. I'm still interested in everything he has to say all the time and I always want to be around him and talk to him, but the feeling isn't mutual and we spend a lot of time apart and even then he never tells me he misses me unless it's in return for me saying I miss him. And I don't think he means it, I just think he doesn't want me to say that he never tells me he misses me.
Which is sad. I find it so sad and I cried myself to sleep last night over it because I was stupid enough to believe things would go back to how they used to be a year and a half ago because of this whole 'I'm bored of you, Lyn' argument. I asked him what he wanted and he told me and I promised I would change and I have changed - massively. I do think I am a happier person in general now - sixth form is taking its toll on me now and I'm so tired and cannot wait til the end of term and that is the only thing I have encountered that has made me feel the familiar 'what is the point' emotion. But other than that the only thing getting me down at the moment is this whole unwanted feeling I get when I get home and have no one to talk to.
I try not to let it show - it's probably just me over-thinking things so I haven't said anything or brought it up with Ben. I don't want to suffocate him anymore - which is what I used to do and he hated it. I have given him lots of space to do what he wants and a thought occured to me just now:
Last year I went to Hannover as an exchange student for a week. And when I came back I asked if Ben had missed me and he said, 'yeah, it was like being single again: waking up, playing wow, going to bed, doing the same the next day...' - and I don't know if this is just me being an idiot but isn't that what he does now? Go to school, go home and play some games, do some homework and then go to bed.
And he wants it to be this way? He wants this amount of space? Should I take it as a hint that he would like to be single again? Is this a way of him breaking up with me softly - giving me hints that he still loves me but he wants to be on his own from now on. Or maybe he's doing it to let the distance get to us and make us finally say, 'this isn't working anymore.'
Because he's going the right way about it.
I just have too many questions and uncertainties going around in my head at the moment! Argh! Someone please just come and cuddle me and make things better :(
when we had that massive argument where I promised I would change for him, things did get slightly better and I gave him space and we had loads more to talk about. But now he can't even be bothered to make any sort of conversation anymore.
He only talks to me if he needs something from me, but other than that it's strictly, 'If I can be bothered.' If there's something up then he's not telling me. And I can't ask him because he sits and plays games all evening with other people.
So we've hit a dead end, yet again, and I am willing to keep this going for as long as I can because I still love him and I refuse to let him go. I'm still interested in everything he has to say all the time and I always want to be around him and talk to him, but the feeling isn't mutual and we spend a lot of time apart and even then he never tells me he misses me unless it's in return for me saying I miss him. And I don't think he means it, I just think he doesn't want me to say that he never tells me he misses me.
Which is sad. I find it so sad and I cried myself to sleep last night over it because I was stupid enough to believe things would go back to how they used to be a year and a half ago because of this whole 'I'm bored of you, Lyn' argument. I asked him what he wanted and he told me and I promised I would change and I have changed - massively. I do think I am a happier person in general now - sixth form is taking its toll on me now and I'm so tired and cannot wait til the end of term and that is the only thing I have encountered that has made me feel the familiar 'what is the point' emotion. But other than that the only thing getting me down at the moment is this whole unwanted feeling I get when I get home and have no one to talk to.
I try not to let it show - it's probably just me over-thinking things so I haven't said anything or brought it up with Ben. I don't want to suffocate him anymore - which is what I used to do and he hated it. I have given him lots of space to do what he wants and a thought occured to me just now:
Last year I went to Hannover as an exchange student for a week. And when I came back I asked if Ben had missed me and he said, 'yeah, it was like being single again: waking up, playing wow, going to bed, doing the same the next day...' - and I don't know if this is just me being an idiot but isn't that what he does now? Go to school, go home and play some games, do some homework and then go to bed.
And he wants it to be this way? He wants this amount of space? Should I take it as a hint that he would like to be single again? Is this a way of him breaking up with me softly - giving me hints that he still loves me but he wants to be on his own from now on. Or maybe he's doing it to let the distance get to us and make us finally say, 'this isn't working anymore.'
Because he's going the right way about it.
I just have too many questions and uncertainties going around in my head at the moment! Argh! Someone please just come and cuddle me and make things better :(
Monday, 26 September 2011
sigghhhh
guess I should better get off my ass and go and see what Ben's been up to all evening, since he hasn't made any sort of effort to be interested in what I've been doing.
thissucksITWILLGETBETTERiveryfuckinghopeso.
thissucksITWILLGETBETTERiveryfuckinghopeso.
flowers
y'know what I would love more than anything in the world? someone to buy me flowers. daisies are my favourite, and I would love some for me to just look at and pretty and amazing. I love flowers.
and, sadly, I love you.
and, sadly, I love you.
Funny how I have all this shit that he's given me, like teddies and all this bollocks, when he can't even look after a fucking necklace or a bracelet. He hasn't even got a picture in that frame I bought him for our anniversary. I'm surrounded by him all the time and he has nothing in his room that reminds him of me. I bought him a teddy that has spent most of his life shoved down the side of the bed. Maybe this is why I feel so shit when he's not here -
because I sit and think about how he's not thinking about me.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Friday, 23 September 2011
story!
So I've just added some more to my Rewind story -- but I just don't know if I can carry it on cus I am soooooo lazy... so I've decided to write a new story.. but what about?
So I was looking through my files of allllll the stories I've written and there were a few ideas that I'd saved to word documents! hooray!
and I found this:
So I was looking through my files of allllll the stories I've written and there were a few ideas that I'd saved to word documents! hooray!
and I found this:
Okay so
There is a girl who got hit by lightning when she was six
And now she has dreams about the future
There is a new boy at her school who she falls in love with and she tells him that she can dream about the future
But the boy’s dad works for the government and he tells his dad because he thinks it might be dangerous and his dad and the scientists capture the girl and put her in a lab
But then the boy helps her escape and so the scientists are after the girl and the boy
The girl’s powers are getting stronger and now she can make events happen and so the government think the only thing to do is kill her
And then the girl dreams that the boy is going to die so she tries to kill the government who are trying to kill her
Cue epic ending where the girl dies in the end. WOO
There is a girl who got hit by lightning when she was six
And now she has dreams about the future
There is a new boy at her school who she falls in love with and she tells him that she can dream about the future
But the boy’s dad works for the government and he tells his dad because he thinks it might be dangerous and his dad and the scientists capture the girl and put her in a lab
But then the boy helps her escape and so the scientists are after the girl and the boy
The girl’s powers are getting stronger and now she can make events happen and so the government think the only thing to do is kill her
And then the girl dreams that the boy is going to die so she tries to kill the government who are trying to kill her
Cue epic ending where the girl dies in the end. WOO
Yes I am a weirdo, but accept it, bitches! Love it or leave it!
Peace.
artwork
Just something I drew in art, drawn entirely in pen and then added watercolour. Something I very much wish for.. but don't worry. I'm just hopeless ol' me :P
Thursday, 22 September 2011
I hate school so much at the moment. When I first came to the school in year seven I was recognised for singing and people were like omg lyn you're so good at art but now no one notices me anymore.
I didn't get as high gcses I wanted - about 4 Bs and the rest As and A*s or something - I don't remember because no one asked. My mum did and my two half sisters did, and so did kirsty. Ben and his parents were there when I went to collect them.
WHY IS NO ONE INTERESTED IN ME??
Life sucks. Even these past 10 or so months ben hasn't been interested in me like he used to.
Arghh I hate school :(
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
God damnit I fucking hate you. Is this not enough space for you?! Cus if not then you can kindly take that baby step forward and forget about me completely since that's what it almost is. 'More time to yourself' does not mean act as if I'm just a friend you just wave to when you pass in the corridor.
So so stupid of me to have believed a word you said the other night - 'its gotta be gradual' well actually it doesn't. I made a huge step with this whole 'give you space' bollocks so why can't you do the same for me? All it takes is a little extra tenderness in your kiss and those words I only hear off of Kirsty nowadays - 'I miss you'.
So disappointed and frustrated now but I'm refusing to shed any tears for you because I was silly for forgetting you hardly ever stick to your word.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Monday, 19 September 2011
meh
so i'm in a rather disappointed mood today.
ben turned round to me yesterday and said he wanted to change, that he realised that he was treating me no more than a friend and that he wants to make me feel wanted and adored and that he was going to try and make it better.
well i'm not feeling it. i'm not feeling much love.
ben turned round to me yesterday and said he wanted to change, that he realised that he was treating me no more than a friend and that he wants to make me feel wanted and adored and that he was going to try and make it better.
well i'm not feeling it. i'm not feeling much love.
sad
I guess the sad thing is is that when people promise things and manage to convince you that they'll change, my expectations of you come back and then come crashing down the next day.
Saturday, 17 September 2011
'emo'
is apparently what i am.
because i have feelings that i can't justify enough for him. i'm sick of his insensitivity and his lack of interest in me. he doesn't need me and i'm not even sure he wants to be with me. he needed more space in the relationship and i said i would give him as much as he needs, but now i hardly know him. when we're not together he doesn't want to know. is it selfish to feel like he doesn't care as much as i would like him to?
i wouldn't go as far as 'opression'.. lol..? but i feel like i can't tell him how i really feel, and sometimes i wish he would read this blog and realise but i know that if he were to read it.. cue argument = breaking up.
yes, life is hard. yes, man up, god damnit. there's so many things i could say about this relationship that are only partly true.. 'I'm the only one making an effort'.. yes i feel this but of course it's not true. he tells me he does so much for me and i can't disagree. i don't think i'm allowed :/
he says things are better now. i asked him and he says he's happy in this relationship. and i keep telling myself that i am happy in this relationship and yes i am.. but only something around 40% of the time.. because now i feel like he has better things to do than spend time with me.. and i've said this before but now i feel it more than ever before..
argh.
this is what he was talking about when he said i was 'too clingy'. i'm just sat here smiling and telling myself it will be better in the long run.
i do find myself as a slightly happier person nowadays, i guess.. i just blog more heh ^^' this is the only place i can empty my heart out and not get shouted at or get people trying to solve it.. i just want to speak out and this is the only place that can happen without me feeling uncomfortable, or like a burden, or like an emo as he calls me.
i think that is the thing that bugs me the most. because he means it. if someone said that to you, how would you feel? i mean, how would you really feel? sure, you'd laugh it off. but he's the one person whose opinion of me matters the most to me.. and he's calling me an emo.. which translates to me as 'attention-seeker'. is that wrong? is that over-reacting? i have feelings i can't describe anymore and just sit there like a weight in my chest because i want to confide in him but i can't.
he said we should open up to each other more.. well i can't. and we both know it. well, I do. and I hope he does too.. and if he does then shame on him for not making me feel more welcome.
i'm forcing myself to go out with friends next weekend. i wish i'd brought my art book home - then i could swamp myself in homework tomorrow and not feel ignored or lonely.
ahhh life sucks.
i will do anything for you to keep you happy and for you to stay with me. when i said i would change for you, that didn't mean you could take advantage. none of my feelings have changed and i still need you. if we were to meet for the first time right now, i would not be attracted to you at all. i would probably not like you very much at all. and i hate that you've changed with the new sixth form blah blah blah I GIVE UP.
bye.
because i have feelings that i can't justify enough for him. i'm sick of his insensitivity and his lack of interest in me. he doesn't need me and i'm not even sure he wants to be with me. he needed more space in the relationship and i said i would give him as much as he needs, but now i hardly know him. when we're not together he doesn't want to know. is it selfish to feel like he doesn't care as much as i would like him to?
i wouldn't go as far as 'opression'.. lol..? but i feel like i can't tell him how i really feel, and sometimes i wish he would read this blog and realise but i know that if he were to read it.. cue argument = breaking up.
yes, life is hard. yes, man up, god damnit. there's so many things i could say about this relationship that are only partly true.. 'I'm the only one making an effort'.. yes i feel this but of course it's not true. he tells me he does so much for me and i can't disagree. i don't think i'm allowed :/
he says things are better now. i asked him and he says he's happy in this relationship. and i keep telling myself that i am happy in this relationship and yes i am.. but only something around 40% of the time.. because now i feel like he has better things to do than spend time with me.. and i've said this before but now i feel it more than ever before..
argh.
this is what he was talking about when he said i was 'too clingy'. i'm just sat here smiling and telling myself it will be better in the long run.
i do find myself as a slightly happier person nowadays, i guess.. i just blog more heh ^^' this is the only place i can empty my heart out and not get shouted at or get people trying to solve it.. i just want to speak out and this is the only place that can happen without me feeling uncomfortable, or like a burden, or like an emo as he calls me.
i think that is the thing that bugs me the most. because he means it. if someone said that to you, how would you feel? i mean, how would you really feel? sure, you'd laugh it off. but he's the one person whose opinion of me matters the most to me.. and he's calling me an emo.. which translates to me as 'attention-seeker'. is that wrong? is that over-reacting? i have feelings i can't describe anymore and just sit there like a weight in my chest because i want to confide in him but i can't.
he said we should open up to each other more.. well i can't. and we both know it. well, I do. and I hope he does too.. and if he does then shame on him for not making me feel more welcome.
i'm forcing myself to go out with friends next weekend. i wish i'd brought my art book home - then i could swamp myself in homework tomorrow and not feel ignored or lonely.
ahhh life sucks.
i will do anything for you to keep you happy and for you to stay with me. when i said i would change for you, that didn't mean you could take advantage. none of my feelings have changed and i still need you. if we were to meet for the first time right now, i would not be attracted to you at all. i would probably not like you very much at all. and i hate that you've changed with the new sixth form blah blah blah I GIVE UP.
bye.
Monday, 12 September 2011
uhh
Basically.. what the hell.. I posted a blog using this email posting thing I set up.. and it did not work.. so.. yeah.. :S
Sunday, 11 September 2011
bleh
I don't need space. I want to be smothered and wanted and needed. Right now I feel so lonely, like people pass me by, like I'm invisible. And I feel like no one else feels the same way.
Sometimes I have problems and I don't want people to try and make things better - sometimes I just want to hear people say, 'Yeah, I totally understand, Lyn, that's awful.' But I feel like no one feels the way I do and I'm constantly listening to people tell me things I don't want to hear.
I've resorted to giving up and just.. not drifting through life completely, but.. ignoring myself. I get up, get ready, go to school, come home and sit by myself for a long time before going to bed. I have no escape - even music has shunned me recently. I don't know what to do with myself and I just want someone to spend a day with me and make me feel like I belong and like I have something to live for.
Sure, I have friends. I have tonnes of friends! Kirsty, Mitch, Joe.. Cerys has moved on to tresham now and I do miss her.. but none of them are in any of my classes. I sit on my own in history, I feel like a little like an outsider in performing arts.. I think German is the only class I feel comfortable in - it has people in it that easily include everyone in discussions and jokes, and we do have a nice time.
But that's only one lesson out of the five options I picked.
I am so disappointed at the moment with Ben. It scared me to death when he told me he might not want me anymore. But then a couple of days later we were totally fine and it was like he'd never been away. But then I realised that nothing had changed as a result of this re-thinking of his. We see each other much less than we did in GCSE, so we have more to talk about now. I spend more time with my friends who never fail to make me laugh. But when we're not together, it's like he doesn't know I exist.
I am just so stuck at the moment. I have been feeling this way for a few months now, and I just want to curl up in bed and never get up.
All of these blogs must be so repetitive, but there's no one I can talk to and say the things I put on my blog. I prefer to keep all these feelings somewhere safe. Somewhere I can look back and read if I need to and somewhere I know things don't become too public and people start calling 'emo' or something haha.
So anyway.. I always feel like I have so much more to say when I come to the end of my blogs, but I just can't find the words.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Things that I wish to discuss because of my boredom.
Your last kiss.
Was very nice. Kisses are always very nice. I only ever get kisses from you (thank god :P) and they make my day. Your lips are like cushions against mine. Awww.
What kind of person attracts you.
Someone who is hilarious and never fails to make me laugh. Intelligent, caring and gentle - someone who could be my closest friend and my soul mate. I always go for personality, looks are nothing but bonus. Someone who looks out for me. For me, it's all about the little things - like saying Hi and smiling and cutesy little things because I am nothing but a hopeless romantic with too many expectations.
Your opinion on cheating on people.
Is probably one of the most horrible things anyone could ever do to another person. I, personally, would rather die than have someone I love cheat on me. The thought of them lying to me and saying that I'm the only person in the world for them and then saying it to another person makes me feel sick. It makes my chest ache just thinking about it. And it is even worse if the person they're cheating on you with knows that that person is in a relationship already. It's so disgusting I can't even describe it with words.
10 ways to win your heart.
1. Don't lead me on.
2. Make an effort but don't be annoying. :P
3. Be yourself.
4. Actions speak louder than words - but remember it's the little things so don't go doing anything crazy. xD
5. Be honest and informative - no kinds of relationships are based on silence, except hatred.
6. Don't be big-headed - I hate people who are arrogant and talk only about themselves.
7. Dress nicely - sure, baggy jeans look good on guys sometimes but I don't want to be looking at your boxers because they're halfway down your legs.
8. The obviousss... compliments, etc.
9. Don't be too over the top - I don't give out hugs like they're gummy bears..
10. A little bit of cutesy romance has never turned off a girl completely - sometimes I do appreciate guys saying mushy things and writing poems and all that jazz. Sometimes.
All of these were taken from that post I did aaaaaages ago with the list of things I should blog about each day.. I don't blog every day.. so I've decided to do the ones that I can think of answers to right now. More of these coming up soon probably. Kthxbye.
so..
So my life has turned terribly upside down.
Ben and I have split up, and this time I don't think there's any chance of ever being with him again.
He told me I made his life a misery and made it quite clear he didn't want me anymore, and it hurt so much.
But then the next day he told me he would wait for me to arrive into school, and when I told him I had asked Kirsty to wait for me he said 'Well you obviously don't want me there so I won't wait for you.'
How does that even work?
I hate school and I hate everyone there. I'm forcing myself to keep smiling and make it look like I'm okay, but I feel so lonely and I just want someone to be there for me.
Today we had to pick what we're doing for IEC and we both chose to do DofE together a few days ago, but now that circumstances have changed, I thought he was going to change his option. He surprised me today by turning up to the DofE presentation and I had a glimmer of hope that he was trying to apologise for what he'd said and prove that he still needed me. But in the end he changed his option and now I'm doing DofE on my own. Either that or I'll have to pick something else, but I really don't know what else to pick.
I'm stuck for options and I'm on my own. I don't know what to do with myself anymore and I just feel like this past year has been a whole lie.
I just want to feel like he needs me. He told me that he still loved me this morning, but he hasn't done anything about it. Instead, he's proved to me that actually he doesn't need me around and that he probably has a much better life sticking with his friends.
So.. yeah. I guess I hate my life right now, but no one else knows it.
I thought I'd found the person I would spend the rest of my life with - we've discussed getting through Uni and coming out the other side and eventually living together and having a lovely life. I guess emptiness is inevitable when you become that attached to someone who isn't as attached to you. He doesn't need me like I do, and he made it pretty clear he wanted me to go away and not come back.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck and I'm empty and I just want to lay in bed and never get up again.
Ben and I have split up, and this time I don't think there's any chance of ever being with him again.
He told me I made his life a misery and made it quite clear he didn't want me anymore, and it hurt so much.
But then the next day he told me he would wait for me to arrive into school, and when I told him I had asked Kirsty to wait for me he said 'Well you obviously don't want me there so I won't wait for you.'
How does that even work?
I hate school and I hate everyone there. I'm forcing myself to keep smiling and make it look like I'm okay, but I feel so lonely and I just want someone to be there for me.
Today we had to pick what we're doing for IEC and we both chose to do DofE together a few days ago, but now that circumstances have changed, I thought he was going to change his option. He surprised me today by turning up to the DofE presentation and I had a glimmer of hope that he was trying to apologise for what he'd said and prove that he still needed me. But in the end he changed his option and now I'm doing DofE on my own. Either that or I'll have to pick something else, but I really don't know what else to pick.
I'm stuck for options and I'm on my own. I don't know what to do with myself anymore and I just feel like this past year has been a whole lie.
I just want to feel like he needs me. He told me that he still loved me this morning, but he hasn't done anything about it. Instead, he's proved to me that actually he doesn't need me around and that he probably has a much better life sticking with his friends.
So.. yeah. I guess I hate my life right now, but no one else knows it.
I thought I'd found the person I would spend the rest of my life with - we've discussed getting through Uni and coming out the other side and eventually living together and having a lovely life. I guess emptiness is inevitable when you become that attached to someone who isn't as attached to you. He doesn't need me like I do, and he made it pretty clear he wanted me to go away and not come back.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck and I'm empty and I just want to lay in bed and never get up again.
Monday, 1 August 2011
sick and tired
of being sick and tired. I just want to be wanted, to be missed, to be needed and fought for. Don't take me for granted; I want to be loved the way I love you. I want to be looked at like you might not see me again, and I want to feel your fear of letting go when you hold me. I want everything to be how it used to be - at least, I want to feel as wanted as I did then, when love was new and we didn't want to lose it. I want you to tell me how much I mean to you, and I want you to keep your promises the way you used to.
I hate this feeling like we might not make it through to tomorrow; this feeling of uncertainty - of dismissal. I don't want to feel like I'm only wanted when you have time - I want to feel valuable to you, like I'm the only me you're gonna get and you don't want to lose me.
I try my hardest to make you happy - to give you what you want. And silly ol' me is always disappointed when what you want is not me. But that disappointment stems from not feeling wanted enough - like I'm waiting in a room of all your favourite things to be picked out and cuddled, like a stuffed animal, before being thrown back on the top of the pile for another rainy day.
If we have to make rules for us, then so be it. If I have to make it hard for you to love me, then it's because I want to see how much you do love me, since you never show it.
It's not the first time I've thought, 'we're different people and we want different things.' But that's what we are, and that's how it is. I don't know how long we have left, but at least in that time I want to you to fall in love with me again.
Otherwise, right now, we're just good friends.
I hate this feeling like we might not make it through to tomorrow; this feeling of uncertainty - of dismissal. I don't want to feel like I'm only wanted when you have time - I want to feel valuable to you, like I'm the only me you're gonna get and you don't want to lose me.
I try my hardest to make you happy - to give you what you want. And silly ol' me is always disappointed when what you want is not me. But that disappointment stems from not feeling wanted enough - like I'm waiting in a room of all your favourite things to be picked out and cuddled, like a stuffed animal, before being thrown back on the top of the pile for another rainy day.
If we have to make rules for us, then so be it. If I have to make it hard for you to love me, then it's because I want to see how much you do love me, since you never show it.
It's not the first time I've thought, 'we're different people and we want different things.' But that's what we are, and that's how it is. I don't know how long we have left, but at least in that time I want to you to fall in love with me again.
Otherwise, right now, we're just good friends.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
need what i dont want
i really really cannot be bothered with you anymore.
but i can't tell you that because I'm just immature and stupid. I have no feelings and no arguments and no reasons for anything so I should just run to you and give you what you want from me. And then when you discard me I'll sit in the gutter and wait for you to pick me up again.
I'll always be waiting for you, whether it be for you to come back, to ask for something, to want me..
Because I don't feel anything anymore. What comes out of my mouth is numb and meaningless in my head, but to you hopefully it's what you want to hear.
You'll never read this; and if you do, you won't say anything.
Sure, I need you. Sure, I love you.
Sure,
Whatever you say.
but i can't tell you that because I'm just immature and stupid. I have no feelings and no arguments and no reasons for anything so I should just run to you and give you what you want from me. And then when you discard me I'll sit in the gutter and wait for you to pick me up again.
I'll always be waiting for you, whether it be for you to come back, to ask for something, to want me..
Because I don't feel anything anymore. What comes out of my mouth is numb and meaningless in my head, but to you hopefully it's what you want to hear.
You'll never read this; and if you do, you won't say anything.
Sure, I need you. Sure, I love you.
Sure,
Whatever you say.
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
weird things you do when you're alone
lalalalaaaa.
talk to myself.. everyone talks to themselves, right?
there's nothing that i do really that's weird that i do when i'm on my own <- that could have been worded better
apart from randomly burst out singing like WOOP
bored out of my face.
number one down. yipee.
talk to myself.. everyone talks to themselves, right?
there's nothing that i do really that's weird that i do when i'm on my own <- that could have been worded better
apart from randomly burst out singing like WOOP
bored out of my face.
number one down. yipee.
b.e.n.
what the fuck ever - if you're reading this then i hope you feel like shit like i did in your living room today in front of your dad and katie-anne where you decided to make me feel uncomfortable as is possible just cus you didnt get your own way which was not wanting me to go home so that you could have me sit there and watch you play wow all evening and then when we get into bed maybe pleasure you and give you what YOU want and forget whatever the fuck i want cus that's not important - what's important is that you're happy and then once you're happy then i must be happy otherwise you go in a mood with me for being selfish and going in a mood with you
WELL HA HA HA HA TO YOU
cus just being around you makes me bored now and im sick of you saying you'll do things when you wont
like how when i said i didnt want to go home with you cus you would just play wow you said you wouldnt play wow and then you went on wow and then forced me to go on fucking super smash bros brawl which i think is boring but when you asked me why it was boring and i didnt have a reason then you automatically thought that my opinion was therefore null and void and didn't count at all and we could just go downstairs and play on the wii whether i liked it or not - which i did NOT cus i'd already told you that i didnt want to go on that stupid game THREE TIMES and then when we got down there you had the cheek to act all innocent and be like "whats up lyn? *innocent sad face*" WELL FUCK YOU CUS I HATED BEING WITH YOU FOR SO LONG AND I DONT WANT TO SPEND ANY MORE TIME WITH YOU CUS YOU JUST DO THE SAME THING EVERY NIGHT - wow, pleasure, sleep, food, wow..
so there.
hope you are happy now, dickhead.
i fucking hate you.
Monday, 30 May 2011
blog challenge!
okay so.. I will attempt to post a blog considering the following things:
1. Weird things you do when you’re alone.
2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
3. What kind of person attracts you.
4. What you wear to bed.
5. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.
6. The person you like and why you like them.
7. Your opinion on cheating on people.
8. Something you’re currently worrying about.
9. Your last kiss.
10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.
11. Your currently relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
12. Things you want to say to an ex.
13. A date you would love to go on.
14. Something disgusting you do.
15. The best things to happen to you this week.
16. 3 things you are proud of about your personality.
17. Things that make you scared.
18. Disrespecting parents.
19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.
20. The last argument you had.
21. Something you can’t seem to get over.
22. 10 things about you people don’t really expect.
23. Something you always think “what if…” about
24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.
25. 10 ways to win your heart.
26. Your religious beliefs.
27. Talk about your siblings.
28. The month you were happiest this year why.
29. A picture of yourself.
30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.
blah.
1. Weird things you do when you’re alone.
2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
3. What kind of person attracts you.
4. What you wear to bed.
5. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.
6. The person you like and why you like them.
7. Your opinion on cheating on people.
8. Something you’re currently worrying about.
9. Your last kiss.
10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.
11. Your currently relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
12. Things you want to say to an ex.
13. A date you would love to go on.
14. Something disgusting you do.
15. The best things to happen to you this week.
16. 3 things you are proud of about your personality.
17. Things that make you scared.
18. Disrespecting parents.
19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.
20. The last argument you had.
21. Something you can’t seem to get over.
22. 10 things about you people don’t really expect.
23. Something you always think “what if…” about
24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.
25. 10 ways to win your heart.
26. Your religious beliefs.
27. Talk about your siblings.
28. The month you were happiest this year why.
29. A picture of yourself.
30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.
blah.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Thursday, 21 April 2011
imagining.
When I look outside
I see the stars twinkling
and I feel like I could simply
drift away
with the twilight breeze
But then I open my eyes again
and I'm back to sitting on the patio
and I love to simply
drift away
with the thought of where I want to be
I like the way you run your fingers
through my hair slowly and make me
sleepy, like i could simply
drift away
with the beating of your heart
I am cradled against your chest
sitting on the patio
and I realise that I don't need to
drift away
because I am already
where I want to be.
I see the stars twinkling
and I feel like I could simply
drift away
with the twilight breeze
But then I open my eyes again
and I'm back to sitting on the patio
and I love to simply
drift away
with the thought of where I want to be
I like the way you run your fingers
through my hair slowly and make me
sleepy, like i could simply
drift away
with the beating of your heart
I am cradled against your chest
sitting on the patio
and I realise that I don't need to
drift away
because I am already
where I want to be.
Monday, 11 April 2011
hopeless
is how i feel. no one's home and no one's talking to me.. theyve all got better things to do, i suppose. not to sound pathetic or anything, but i really just need some genuine attention right now. i just want people to understand.
over time
I've finally realized why I've fallen for you,
before it was so simple to say why,
why I didn't understand
and whenever you asked
I'd reply simply that it was because
you were so perfect,
perfectly you.
"That's cheating,"
you'd whisper,
"that's not a real answer."
Now I've realized that
no.
You aren't my dream guy.
Your eyes don't twinkle,
you don't have the perfect smile,
and you don't have all the answers.
And now I understand
that you're not the guy of my dreams,
you're better than that.
You're real.
Your eyes don't twinkle,
they shine in a constant smile.
You don't have the perfect smile,
you have a lopsided one with the cutest dimple.
And you don't have all the answers,
you keep me guessing and you lead me on an adventure
together with you
to discover them all
one
by
one.
You're better than any guy I could ever dream up
because I can grasp you and hold on tight
and feel safe.
Because I can steal your sweatshirt
when I don't even feel cold
just so I can pretend that you're always surrounding me.
Because you're here,
right in front of me
and whenever I see you I just can't stop myself from smiling.
Because I can't stop my heart from pounding,
yet I can't feel anything but perfectly comfortable around you.
Because what I've always said is true,
you are so perfectly imperfect you.
before it was so simple to say why,
why I didn't understand
and whenever you asked
I'd reply simply that it was because
you were so perfect,
perfectly you.
"That's cheating,"
you'd whisper,
"that's not a real answer."
Now I've realized that
no.
You aren't my dream guy.
Your eyes don't twinkle,
you don't have the perfect smile,
and you don't have all the answers.
And now I understand
that you're not the guy of my dreams,
you're better than that.
You're real.
Your eyes don't twinkle,
they shine in a constant smile.
You don't have the perfect smile,
you have a lopsided one with the cutest dimple.
And you don't have all the answers,
you keep me guessing and you lead me on an adventure
together with you
to discover them all
one
by
one.
You're better than any guy I could ever dream up
because I can grasp you and hold on tight
and feel safe.
Because I can steal your sweatshirt
when I don't even feel cold
just so I can pretend that you're always surrounding me.
Because you're here,
right in front of me
and whenever I see you I just can't stop myself from smiling.
Because I can't stop my heart from pounding,
yet I can't feel anything but perfectly comfortable around you.
Because what I've always said is true,
you are so perfectly imperfect you.
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Sunday, 27 March 2011
other things
i love talking to you, but you never listen when I do
you're only ever interested in other things, other people
so i only have as much time for you as you have for me.
none.
you're only ever interested in other things, other people
so i only have as much time for you as you have for me.
none.
Saturday, 26 March 2011
weekend..
so I've been left to my own devices on what I should do this weekend, since Ben has buggered off to his friend's house xD
I saved myself up lots of work to do so I wouldn't get bored, but I reaalllyyy can't be bothered to do it. I've told myself that I will do it tomorrow though.. or else I will probably die..
I saved myself up lots of work to do so I wouldn't get bored, but I reaalllyyy can't be bothered to do it. I've told myself that I will do it tomorrow though.. or else I will probably die..
Thursday, 24 March 2011
writer
So I've made a new blog under this account named Rewind, and it's a novel that I'm writing.
The idea started out as just a bit of time-wasting one evening when I was feeling down and listening to nice music. But then, cos I'm a bit of a teacher's pet, I sent it to a couple of my english teachers and they said that if I used it instead of the descriptive piece of writing I'd submitted as coursework, I would get an A* instead of an A.
So I used it, and then one night I was bored - yes, correlation of boredom appearing here - and I carried on the story.. but because the piece I'd written was the ending to a story, I decided to carry on the story.. but backwards!
I find this method of writing a story much more interesting, because you don't get the boring bits at the beginning where you're sat there trying to make an introduction without any action. But this is muuchhh more exciting! I don't even know most of the story! I shall make it up as I go along - also, this allows me to add in curious links and things into things that might happen at the end.. if that makes sense? So when you get a story, something happens that you don't understand till you read later on into the book? I'll find it easier to plan that sort of thing working backwards.
Anyway, if you would like to read the story, I posted the first chapter, which is the end of the story hah, here:
http://rewindstory-vivialynjmx.blogspot.com/
Happy reading!
P.S. this doesn't mean that this account will no longer be in use - of course I need my dosage of blogging! Otherwise I think I might burst from all these emotions I can't talk to anyone about xD
Peace.
P.P.S. I'm so into Adele right now :D (just thought I'd make that comment)
Laters.
The idea started out as just a bit of time-wasting one evening when I was feeling down and listening to nice music. But then, cos I'm a bit of a teacher's pet, I sent it to a couple of my english teachers and they said that if I used it instead of the descriptive piece of writing I'd submitted as coursework, I would get an A* instead of an A.
So I used it, and then one night I was bored - yes, correlation of boredom appearing here - and I carried on the story.. but because the piece I'd written was the ending to a story, I decided to carry on the story.. but backwards!
I find this method of writing a story much more interesting, because you don't get the boring bits at the beginning where you're sat there trying to make an introduction without any action. But this is muuchhh more exciting! I don't even know most of the story! I shall make it up as I go along - also, this allows me to add in curious links and things into things that might happen at the end.. if that makes sense? So when you get a story, something happens that you don't understand till you read later on into the book? I'll find it easier to plan that sort of thing working backwards.
Anyway, if you would like to read the story, I posted the first chapter, which is the end of the story hah, here:
http://rewindstory-vivialynjmx.blogspot.com/
Happy reading!
P.S. this doesn't mean that this account will no longer be in use - of course I need my dosage of blogging! Otherwise I think I might burst from all these emotions I can't talk to anyone about xD
Peace.
P.P.S. I'm so into Adele right now :D (just thought I'd make that comment)
Laters.
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