hey, soul sister

i just had the best day in a long time. :)

last night i stayed over at Ben's house and it was so nice ^^ we just chilled out and snuggled in bed and i'd like to think that everything is definitely okay now between me and him. i've been avoiding telling people that we're back together when they ask just in case this is a fluke, but i think things are getting more and more stable by the day. this saturday he's taking me shopping because it's my birthday next wednesday - i'll be 17 omigosh :O mum says she's getting me driving lessons for my birthday. :D



one of my friends covered a very good song and i just wanted to share. here it is.

inspiration + motivation

these are tough times. i need someone to get me through all this doubt clogging my mind.

tonight someone special showed me that he is with me every step of the way. with his strength i hope to get through this. he will always look out for me and he's opened my eyes to a very optimistic point of view. he has opened up my mind and brought my true self to the surface and i think i may just be able to get through this with his help.

anyways, i need to go to bed, and so does he :P
goodnight. ^^

ben and i have come to a mutual decision to end our relationship.

i guess i was reaching out at fairytales and getting disappointed when things didn't go the way i visioned them. i want someone who will smother me in love and kisses - someone who will love me as much as i love them. but how i will love anyone as much as i did ben, i will never know. i guess this is really where 'time heals all wounds' comes into play. well, we shall see.

i honestly thought this was it. this was my life set: someone who motivated me, someone who cared for me and would look after me through thick and thin. he told me he loved me and he looked out for me as much as he could. he tried to be there for me as much as possible.. but to me it was like a drug - the more he made me feel like he needed me, the duller it got and i just needed more. but he couldn't give me more and it ended up just not being enough.

we're both as bad as each other, but only because we're so different. of course, right now I'm like sobsob how will i go on with liiffeee aahhhh but if you go through life never feeling that then what have you to live for. now i have to get back on my feet somehow and find a way to dull down this ache in my chest.

tomorrow i will pack his things into a bag and i will go with mum to drop off the stuff. i want to see him one last time, to say goodbye properly. i've missed him so much lately what with all this schoolwork and im so clingy i felt like no amount of time was ever enough. i was looking forward to spending this weekend with him so badly but then for some reason i told him i had too much work and that we should not see each other. i guess i just wanted him to say 'no lyn, please, can't you at least stay friday night and do work on sunday?' but he didn't.

ugh. this has left me feeling so hopeless. i dont feel any sort of release or.. anything. i just want to curl up in your arms as if nothing's happened. but you agreed and you don't want me. my emotions are so mixed.  i will come and say goodbye properly: pour out my heart with no intentions other than to justify myself because i feel like i am lacking purpose. i have so much to spill and you are the only person i can talk to. i know that there is no going back now but it's more for myself than you, i guess. i want to get it all off my chest so i can sleep easy with myself.

i dont have much else to say in this blog, but you might not hear from me for a while. or you might, i dunno. depends on.. stuff. yeah. hm.

routine

i'm sick of it. i don't need this and you don't need me. just go and don't come back and i promise not to watch you walk away.

fenech-soler

been obsessed with these guys recently - a friend showed me their music in a free one time and now i go home and listen to them all evening. xD

really really should do homework cus i have a lot. but i just cannot bring myself.. to.. do.. homework.. argh!

meaaannnnwhhiiillleeeee.. [insert same old shit about relationship here]

stopped caring, etc. will just sit here til im needed, etc. umm what else.. want things back the way they were, etc. hate you, love you, etc. routine, not love, just scared of letting go, etc. don't know who you are, im not your friend, etc. can't talk to you about anything, reason for this blog, etc. go away cus youre a nob, etc. please just love me like i love you, etc. i need you but you don't need me, etc.

i always thought true love was the need for a certain someone to be close to you.. the need to be loved in return perhaps? i thought it was more than a want. i mean, hey man, i want chocolate spread in my sandwiches tomorrow is not the same as i need chocolate spread in my sandwiches tomorrow. i want to spend the rest of my life with you is not the same as i need to spend the rest of my life with you.

just need to get out. be somewhere new. find some other place to settle down and stay there and totally forget about who i used to be.

was thinking about it in the shower. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you! Ha! As if! I was imagining what it might be like. Realistically. Yes, everyone wants that idyllic life of a lovely house and a nice family, waking up next to "that person" *heartz* BLEH. what-ever. what we said is a whole bunch of bull.

you'll wake up early and do a bit of gaming before you go to work. you'll come home from work and say 'man, i need to relax' and shove on your headphones and do a bit of gaming. you'll come away from the computer when dinner's ready. you'll sit and have dinner at the computer, most probably. or in your computer chair. and then when dinner's done you'll go back to your gaming. she'll go to bed and you'll still be sat there at the screen. when it hits 1 or 2 in the morning, you'll decide to turn in and start over when you wake up.

BOOORRINNNGGG. a-nothankyou. goodbye. see ya.

rethinking.

things just aint how they used to be, y'know? lots of things have changed, lots of people have changed. I know I have changed. But not dramatically.. not so that I'm this whole new person. Or at least I don't want to have changed like that.

though.. i can't help feeling that actually i have just become a different person. i feel like i am just somebody else to you now and we're just not .. compatible? haha, ironic.

i know you. i know you like the back of my hand. and it's sad because i know things i dont want to know. feelings exist in you that i dont want to exist. and it's tough going through everyday with that knowledge trying to push its way to the front of my mind. trying to shout 'hey! you know me! dont forget me! i am the truth.'

recently i have been trying to keep myself busy with friends, saying no where otherwise i would have usually said yes. trying to convince myself that i don't need you anymore in the same way that you don't need me. i've been saying to myself, hey, look at what a great time i'm having with my friends. isn't this fab? well yeah. of course it is. but you're not there. you're not my friend anymore.

so who are you? this mysterious personality i fell in love with nearly three years ago. a personality that only exists because i make him up? have you changed? are you somebody else? 

or am I?

just so's yknow

ben and I have started up our own blog of a vareity of whatever we feel like posting at whatever time so go and have a look :)

www.benjalynblog.blogspot.com