consideration

I don't know.. I have a friend who used to go to counselling and she didn't even seem depressed at all.. and I'm not depressed but I want to shake this feeling that I have where I feel like no one cares about what I have to say. I feel like if I were to talk about myself people would slate me for being an attetion-seeker or full of myself or something. I find it hard to keep up a conversation with most people because I don't want people to then go off and talk to other people about how egotistic I am and how I'm always talking about myself.

In tutor time I sit with two girls and three boys and I mentioned my friends Mitchell and Kirsty (who are now in a relationship awww) and how, at the moment, I'm more inclined to hang around with Ben's friends like George and Jordan and Otis than I am with them.. I'm not particularly sure why but I'm sure it'll pass because Mitchell and Kirsty are the bestest friends I could ever have and I love em and stuffs.. anyway! One of the boys on our pod made a comment about me not being to talk about anyone else's relationship besides my own.. and in a nasty way, as if I can't ever talk about other people in a positive way or even at all. I mean, maybe it was just me or something. Maybe I just read too much into it with my female mind and somehow found an insult out of an observation. But I think it was uncalled for: I talk about other people in a positive way all the time! I give out compliments like it's nobody's business and not because I'm fishing for compliments but because I genuinely think so. This guy does have a tendency to put everyone around him down to make himself look better.. but.. I dunno.

Anyway the main point of mentioning counselling was because I find myself often looking at the other girls in the class I'm in and how much prettier they are than me and why anyone would ever want to be with me.. see, already I feel like I'm only whining for attention, URGH. You get my point though. It's a self conscience issue that every girl has, of course.. but I can't stop thinking it and it really gets me down. Bleh.


On a happier note, today in drama we finished watching the musical RENT which is so AWESOME and it was the stage version and I've only seen the first half of the movie before and it's so GOOD and it's so sad like OMG and yeah. And now our school is putting on the musical FAME which is awesome. Smiley face.

pscht.

yeah good one. why do i even bother.

out of sight, out of mind.

isn't it funny how as soon as you don't have to physically look at me, you feel like you can do what you want with me? isn't that something like emotional manipulation? 'you don't make sense therefore you are inferior and pathetic. get out of my sight until i can be bothered to deal with you again. until i want something. and not until then.'

doubt is a frustrating thing. because it's not quite motivation but it's stronger than a nagging feeling. it's where you're convinced but you hold back. i'm convinced it's routine and he doesn't actually care but i'm held back by intimidation. being shouted at is my weakness. that and abandonment. what will i do? i've read stories about keeping yourself busy and gradually feeling the weight lift off your shoulders, but what I'm after is instant relief. I want to be able to wake up as if this were a nightmare, or lie down as if it were a trekk.

i'm sick like you are, but it's not on the outside. i feel like things are eating away at my brain and replacing those parts with cement. my head gets heavier the more i think about us and the future. my shoulders slump a little further forward everyday from the pressure of trying to be good enough. i have this niggling insecurity where i feel like if i don't let you touch me you will leave for good because you told me my looks were the only thing you "haven't had a problem with". your exact words.

having a problem with something is something you go to the doctor's for, or the mechanic, or you call in the plumber or the electrician to fix it or replace it. you can't fix me because you don't want to. you want to just let me eat myself away until i'm nothing but your ghost. i'm already an empty shell and i have so many missing pieces that can never be filled again. i want to overcome you like a deeply engraved phobia but you can't be destroyed. reopening wounds is what you do best, telling me you didn't mean it but actually you meant just this and that. "it's not routine, it's just not as exciting as it used to be." "i like you as a person but you've changed."

oh yeah? well you're not who you used to be either.

i remember when i used to be your whole world like you have always been mine, but now i'm nothing but the dirt under your foot. i used to be your everything and now i'm just your go-to way of wasting time while your friends are just doing something for a sec. i'm so bored of being your pet. i wasn't labelled 'handle with care' until you showed up. now i don't even know what i want out of life and i am so insecure about being good enough for anyone, let alone you.

if you're gonna disappear, do it now. i'll get over it. you wouldn't even give me a second thought because you don't even now. "no logic? no talking." i'll shush myself til you're done and then i'll show you how much sense i can make while you watch me walk away, ready for my missing pieces to be found by somebody else who appreciates me like they should. screw you. night.

"fuck this gay earth"

.. for rendering me incapable of having legitimate feelings. what comes out of my mouth are just words. what do words mean anyway. yes of course i love you, you can stop asking. maybe the question should be whether i want to anymore, but the answer to that would just be so only because im playing games and looking for a spotlight cus i'm selfish and ignorant and lazy and useless.

go to hell.