happy new year.

so i'm planning myself a fresh start for the new year. things are not working out and i want to leave as much behind as possible. i'm not gonna make myself a tick list, just.. if i come across something that sucks to hell, out of my life it goes. this way, i have a whole week left of holiday to get over the loss and i can get back to school and keep myself busy with shitty school work that sucks to hell.

i knew as soon as i made this mental note a couple of weeks ago that i would be someway or another get rid of something unhealthy for the new year.

and yes, i'm talking about you.

i'm tired of always coming second to your stupid games, how you can never take me seriously. i'm all up for being best friends but when you disregard my feelings when i actually feel them, you can have a taste of your own medicine.

i do not care anymore about you or your stupid life or your stupid friends or your stupid games.

there. all done. im tired of always feeling shit cus you make me feel that way. im sick of  you being such a fucking dictator of everything, telling me how i feel cus you supposedly know me so well. well actually you don't. because you're not willing to put in the effort to find out. as soon as you hear something you don't like, you knock me down so i can't get back up. i have buried too many feelings because of you and it's time to find my feet again so i can actually live my life how i choose to.

see ya later. happy new year, dick.

hum

i dunno if you still read this.. perhaps not.. it's nothing too interesting nowadays anyway.. but if you see this anytime soon i just want you to know that i miss you.

you're lacking in effort and i feel like i put a lot of effort in without getting too much out of it. i realise that i can't keep living in the past and things will never be the same as they were in the beginning because we know each other too well. so instead i want to focus on growing as new people, becoming independent together.

however i get the impression you're not afraid of anything anymore. you trust me and you say you love me, but i just feel like you've become comfortable in a routine that wouldn't kill you to give up. that's not the love i want.

the times have been good and i hope you find everything you're looking for.

</3

do it like a dude

woohoo! really obsessed with jessie j atm!

im in the choir and tonight we're singing at a carol service so we have been practising all morning and my voice is sore. and now i've gotta go sing and do it all again oh deeaarrr... not to mention the christmas showcase this time next week! :O

it's ben's birthday next wednesday, im excited for him to get his present woo! he will love it hopefully!

i had a pretty decent birthday, much better than it has been in previous years (minus all those ones as a kid til about the age of 10) and i got nice presents like a nice teddy bear! :D and some nice snuggly boots and clothes and stuff woop :D

 i am soooo tireddddd maaannnnn :( need a nice snuggle with my benjamin plx

me and my friends are having a movie night on friday and kirsty's got me a birthday present so i cant wait tehe! okay cheese cheese done bye tehe

IIIITTTTTSSSS MMMMYYYYYYY BIIIRRRTTTHHHHDAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

woop

yes, guys, this is one of those crazy rare times where I blog because I'm happy!

don't get me wrong, I'm happier more often than this blog makes out but at the moment I am happy because I know something I wish I didn't and I'm excited that I know but I'm kinda sad cus I wish I didn't but it's awesome because it's awesome.

all I'mma say is: It's my birthday in 6 days! woohoo! i'm excited for my birthday, which is rare. it's been years since i was this excited.

i think recently my relationship with Ben has been a little lacking because of the linear pattern of day to day life: both of our birthdays are a week apart and they're just weeks away from christmas, so there are no events that happen throughout the year - especially during the summer. it's not that it gets boring, it's just that there is nothing to make an effort for. but now that the spark in the relationship has been renewed, I am excited for my birthday and spending christmas with Ben. ^^

also, i have found things to do that occupy me when Ben is doing other things, like playing games or doing homework or being at work. also, I have a lot of homework.. -_-

my eyes have been opened up to a new view of life and.. i've gotta say.. i'm loving it. :)

peace!
^ not joking.