uncertain

So now I'm not really sure what to do.

On Wednesday Ben and I broke up - but we sorted stuff out.

I promised myself I wouldn't say anything about us being back together because Ben said things would get better, and I wanted to wait till they did.

But it's been almost a week and nothing's happened. We've argued about silly things and I'm just not feeling any hope and nothing's motivating me to think optimistically about the stituation.

I'm just sat here thinking - what's the point anymore?

:'(

[21:28:26] Mitchell Bellamy: Up to mcuh

[21:28:31] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: nope.

[21:28:43] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: Dont really know what to do with myself, tbh. :/

[21:28:51] Mitchell Bellamy: Ah :/

[21:29:03] Mitchell Bellamy: Do you not regret what you did?

[21:29:12] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: No

[21:29:15] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: I'm just upset about it, naturally.

[21:29:26] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: We would have just kept on arguing

[21:29:29] Mitchell Bellamy: Yeah, thats what i said

[21:29:44] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: I was always asking things from him

[21:30:08] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: Like, even now, I feel like I expect him to come back and apologise..

[21:30:12] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: But he hasn't done anything

[21:30:25] Mitchell Bellamy: :/

[21:30:38] Mitchell Bellamy: Would you like him to? i mean if you both wanted to?

[21:30:59] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: I would like him to apologise, but I've told myself that even though I love him, I don't *want* him.

[21:31:06] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: If we got back together, things would just be the same.

[21:31:18] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: I guess I'm just too stubborn to make the effort to change, and that's the way it'll always be.

[21:31:53] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: He's such a genuine person, and the only thing I regret is letting it go on for this long.

[21:32:20] Mitchell Bellamy: giving him something you dont have, you mean? if that makes sense?

[21:32:50] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: Mm, I'm just too much of a selfish person for him, and he needs someone who will give him as much love as he gives to them.

[21:32:56] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: And that wasn't me.

[21:33:10] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: But nevermind, I guess some things are just not meant to be, and all we can do is move on.

[21:33:27] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: Don't get me wrong, I am heartbroken.

[21:33:31] Mitchell Bellamy: Yeah i suppose :/

[21:33:35] Mitchell Bellamy: ow :/

[21:33:58] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: But I don't want to sit and be vulnerable to his promises, because he never keeps them, and I don't want him to persuade me to come back because in the end we just weren't good together.

[21:34:26] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: I'd love to come back and just hug him and be with him forever, but I know that's not how it will work, and I'm trying hard to accept it.

[21:34:59] Mitchell Bellamy: :/ ow, so much depth, i feel sorry for you both, its terribly unfair, i mean in nature

[21:35:10] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: I know, life is tough.

[21:35:14] Vivialyn Anne Oroc Joynson: Love is tough.

How true.

I love him so much, and I've sat here all evening hoping he'll speak to me because I'm lonely and I miss him. But I'm trying to accept that we'll never be together again. 

I tell myself that this is better for us in the long run.

reasons

I only wear my retainer at night just because it hurts.
I use too much toothpaste because I like the way it burns.

I look away when you talk to me cos I feel guilty all the time.
There's nothing to be guilty for except knowing that you're mine.

I think of all the bad stuff when I'm feeling really down.
I'd rather sit all by myself when you're not around.

I bite my lip and make it bleed because I like the pain.
It's addictive just because it hurts, but that does not make me "insane".

I don't want you to pity me or hold me as I bawl.
I just wanted you to understand why I do it all.

----------------

Been feeling a bit down lately, and I just wanted a different way of expressing how I feel.. I don't want people to think I'm an attention-seeker - sure, I love being the centre of attention, but I don't go around asking for it. So therefore when I'm genuinely upset I find it hard to talk to people because I feel like they'll just think I'm attention-seeking and that I'm pathetic and should go away.

Also, when I argue, I cry, so that's a bit shit too.


Peace.

LOL

I. Am. Amused.

Some annoying people at school had a go at me over facebook today. It was so fake lmao, just cos they wouldn't stick up for Scott at all in real life, but as soon as people start insulting him they're all like SCCOTTTTT HEARTZ <3

To be quuiiiittteee honesttt.. I only commented because it was a touché moment.

Scott has a radio show on the internet, and all he ever plays is pretty much the same song. And Josh posted on his facebook saying so, and then some people insulted him and some people said 'just ignore them' etc, and he only replied to the people who were on his side, yknow, saying thanks and stuff.

So Ben was like "its funny you only take notice of the good comments"
and Scott said "Cos I'm tired of bad comments ?"

And I - honestly, I didn't mean for it to turn into an argument - I said, 'People are tired of you playing the same songs all the time ?"

TOUCHÉ - you don't think?

So now there's been this whole argument on facebook with everyone against me and Ben and Brandon a little bit (he only made one comment lmfao) and they're all swearing and stufff.. and I'm just like yeahhh with my grammar and my spelling LOL im a nerd.

Anyways, so that's pissed me off cos the last thing anyone said directed at me was "lyn just shut the fuck up." and I just thought nahhhhh cant be bothered lol.. but they got the last say and I'm a sore loser. OH WELL. It's coooooool. :)

So yerr.. had an english mock today, went alright, wrote a story about some guy who goes up a mountain with his mates and then gets lost within a metre of the tent cos it was so snowy and all that jazz..

Yerrr sooo.. bye init. xD

Peace.

doubt

I have a lot of doubt, and I'm not sure where to put it all. I'm not even sure what I'm doubting. And I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like all my passion for anything is gone, and I just can't be bothered to do the things I used to want to do so much. I don't even think I can be bothered to carry on with the fuss of love anymore - it's just not like how it used to be, and I don't know how to save it.

some kind of emotional rant?

Not sure really what to write here. I'm listening to Lux Aurumque by Eric Whitacre (yes, sounds fancy, I know) because it's rather relaxing.. Rachek's kind of music haha - what with her Libera and stuffs. :)

So this week was our first week back at schoolYAWN. 'Twas very boringgg... Nothing much happened. We started picking themes and things for our art final exam.. scary! I've chosen the theme 'candle-lit', which I think is a rather somber theme and suits my personality well since I'm a pretty somber person when it comes to art. I have ideas of candle-lit writing desks like the ones Shakespeare used to own, and things like that. I think it's gonna look really good if I put a good amount of effort into it haha.

We've also started planning our performances for our drama final exam (ahhhh this is making me realise how close I am to the end of year 11!) and our group has decided to do Sweeney Todd - and is, by the way, going to look a-maazinngg! We've only sorted out a few ideas and who's gonna play who because we don't have our scripts yet, they're on order. But since I'm the only girl in my group I'm going to play Mrs. Lovett and then for Joanna we're gonna use someone from another group but have her as a non-spoken role so she doesn't have to worry about learning lines for two performances. For the Judge we've chosen someone who will play him soooooo well, I'm very excited about his part haha! He says it'll be tough because he was a tough character, but I think that if he puts in the effort he will probably be the star of our showww!

In drama club (this is after school) we've progressed well with our idea of the whole Love Actually style devised performance. The story is that there are all these people who work in this office, and there's a nerd (Ben) and the girl (me) and then a psychiatrist (Lucy) and her husband (Ray), who is a lecturer who has a student who is actually in love with him and his works (um.. i don't know her name.. call her olivia for now xD), and then the cocky player guy (Jordan) and the new guy (Ben R.) *haha lots of characters!*

So Ben, as the nerd, stands at his coffee machine everyday and gazes at me, the unpopular girl who works in the office, etc. And then the Jordan is his mate who's like "Yeah, I'd give her a shot. If she's lucky." *shrug walk off phone rings oh hello gorgeous*.. and then Lucy is on the phone to her husband (Ray) and is very dominant and scary and has had a stressful day at work. She is throwing a party that night and everyone is invited. Then Ray is lecturing and it's the end of his lecture and the student, at the end of the class, goes up to him and is all like "I've read everything you've ever written! You've inspired me to write!" etc. And then at the coffee machine, Ben is standing there (as usual) and I go to get a coffee and then the new guy comes and gets a coffee and I'm all like "Oh hey havent seen you around here" and he's all like "Yeah finding it hard to find friends" and I'm all like "Wanna come to the party tonight? I'll give you my number" and we walk off to go and get my number and Ben's all like a-wtf. And then Lucy goes home and Ray's set up the kitchen and living room for the party but he's forgotten to get the champagne. So they have a big argument and you can tell he's not really happy in this relationship and stuffs, but he goes to get the champagne and at the store he meets the student who's trying to get close to him (its raining and she invites herself into his umbrella and stuff.) and then stuff. Cue party, good time, etc... That night Lucy comes downstairs to find a valentine's card addressed to Ray from the student and it's all pages of I LOVE YOUs and then Ray's like It's nothing but it actually is something because he's in love with the student because she appreciates him more, etc, cue emotional scene. THEN *breathe* Ben leaves something on my desk and the cocky player guy is all like aww the party was great last night gimme a hug and then he goes to kiss me and I'm like OOH WHATS THAT ON MY DESK? and then i find it, go to the coffee machine "omg i love it" (its a necklace) and then he puts it on me and then I ask him if he wants to go for coffee (which is funny cos he's always drinking coffee lool)

SO YEAH. it's good. The point of the story is that everyone's lives are intertwined and the piece starts with Ben, me, jordan and one more of us going to work on a train - cos there's gonna be a big train crash and Ben dies and Ray dies but they get given another chance to make the right decision (because mine and Ben's relationship just got stuck at an intense friendship and he never had the courage to tell me he loved me and then Ray's stuck in this marriage he doesnt like, etc)

SO YEAH. it's good.

other stuff?
just revising and learning vocab for german.
hate DT - it has to be finished week 3 LOL and I'm nowhere near finishing. BUT I actually don't care if I fail DT. It's compulsory at my school cos we're a technology college and they're all gay and stuffs... But now that the head of education has changed everything, it's now NOT compulsory for the year who are going to pick their options this year.. SO THAT SUCKS.

so yeah, just a lot to rant about.
including this thing that's been bugging me for a while.

Ben never changes. He's such a nerd (lol) and sits and plays WoW for 95% of his day when he's not at school. And I don't mind! He can do what he wants and stuff. It's just the way that he sits and plays it while I'm at his house, there to spend time with him. And it is so frustrating. Yes, we've talked about it before. Yes, he's said he would change. But he hasn't. He changes for about a day, and then it just goes back to how it's always been.
On Tuesday he had a raid or something, and he didn't speak to me for most of the evening after school. Eventually he came and spoke to me, and then I was drawing and Photoshop was being GAY and doing this weird thing with the layers and stuff.. and Ben is a genius in Photoshop so I said to him what was up, and he said okay let me see (we were on skype) and so I went and tried to screen share, but his friends had been in the call but had hung up, so it was still classed as a conference call. And so I said "I can't." and he just went "Oh, it's cos we're in a conference call."
And then that was it.
He didn't attempt to help me at all and he just sat on whatever game he was playing, starcraft or whateverwhatever.
And so I was just getting stressy (lol) and so I said I was gonna go to bed, and I said goodnight, etc.
And he said
"Goodnight, I love you. And now you're not going to-- (say i love you back)"
"I love you."
The bit in brackets is what he was going to say but didn't.
And it just made me feel shit cos that's what he expects of me and it's a bit stuck up to think, yknow, "yeah well she wont say it cos she's in a mood" etc.

And then for the past 3 days he's been adding me into group calls with his mates and sat there and talked to them, but it's okay cos I'm in the group call so that's classed as talking to me... not. But then when I say that I'm gonna go find something else to do, he thinks I've just gone in a mood with him and all this stupid crap that I can't be bothered with.

He promises things that he doesn't keep - like how he'll stay off the computer when I'm around. And then other stuff that isn't really appropriate for blogging (lmfao)..

So I was talking to my friend Josh today (who is the guy who's gonna play the Judge in Sweeney for drama s'gonna look ACE) and I explained to him that I wasn't sure I wanted to spend time with Ben anymore, because, tbh, I'm getting kind of sick of all this stuff (see above).. And he said
"Well nothings coming as a surprise to him, he would only have himself to blame" - as in, we've spoken about stuff before enough times, so if I decided to leave then he would only have himself to blame.
And that's true. We have spoken about everything that's got me down atm. We have spoken about them a lot of times, and time and time again Ben's told me that everything will be okay and that he promises to look after me.

So I said that I would just say we were going on a break. So I texted Ben and changed my facebook status (cos he's gone to the cinema with his mates without me even though I was invited but don't worry about it cos I did say I didn't want to go, it's just annoying how yesterday he said he didn't want to go unless I went and then today he was just like yeah well i'm going to the cinema without you lyn bye).

So yeah. Sighhhhhh. I don't know what I need. Maybe just a good cry haha. But I'm not attention-seeking or anything, this is just my diary of things to write down that no one can see (except Tom lol!)

But yeah.

Peace.

Cataclysm

HA! I just bought Cataclysm after several irritating hours of listening to my boyfriend rave about it over skype. And also swear at his guildies over vent. But now I can join in too!

Nothing really interesting going on lately, reeaaalllyyy, just.. kablaahhhhhh.

School next week :/ HAHA to all of you who had to go back on Tuesday/Wednesday lolololol I've had lie-ins as late as 12 these past two weeks!

Ben ate all my chocolates :( I only opened them today.
Me: You ate them all?!
Ben: Nah, I had the same as you did..
Me: I had two..
Ben: Yeah, I had three.. or four..

Ben's playing Fallout: New Vegas - it's all he ever does muahahaha. He's trying to make a cowboy or something cos he finished the game the other day and now wants to do it again with different opinions and stuffs.. He finished the game by going with the NCR and he bawled no end when he found that there was no way to save the Brotherhood of Steel after making sure they got another leader (funny times) and then he killed all of Caeser's Legion and the Enclave all came to save the day yipeeeeee...
But now I've told him to go with Caeser instead. Or to go with Yes Man. He is very funny and overly optimistic. If he were a meerkat he would remind me one of my friends.
Not that they're a meerkat or anything..
ANYWAY.

We're having pizza for dinner nomnomnomnom. We've had to cook two because Ben eats a whole one to himself usually. When we get Domino's pizza on their two-for-one Tuesdays and Ben and I share a pizza, we have to count and make sure we get equal amounts otherwise I starve. Sobsob.

For Christmas I didn't get much interesting, besides my tablet (HEARTZ) and Ben bought me 2 expansions for the Sims 2. SIMS 2 RULEZZZZ!!11!!!oneone!

Honestly, I think the Sims 3 is a downgrade. From the Sims, the Sims 2 was a MAJOOORR upgrade like homg. But the only really fun thing included in the Sims 3 is that you control the whole neighborhood instead of just one house at a time. All the rest of the new stuff is just pointless - like being able to customize their pitch and tone of voice, their favourite colours and foods... Why would you want to include that when you're just playing the life of Sims? How does it have any impact on how the game runs? It's silly, is what it is.
So now, of the Sims 2, I have University, Pets, Open for Business, FreeTime, Bon Voyage, Seasons and Nightlife (in order of my memory remembering lmao). We have a couple of stuff packs as well that my sister borrowed off her friend so we could install them, so we have a pretty full game. I know for a fact that we don't have Apartment Life and Mansion & Garden stuff but I don't know if there are others. Stuff packs we have are like H&M and Ikea stuff I think I'm not sure.

Ben is running around dressed as a cowboy with a bloody rolling pin on Fallout. He has a Vault 21 jumpsuit on with a weird cowboy hat thing. He looks silly x]

Anyways, dinner will be ready in a sec, so I must go!

Toodle-oo!