to feel like he's enjoying himself with everyone else except you, to feel like he has his eye on everyone else except you, to feel like he misses out on everything when he's with you but there's no such thing as missing out when he's with everything but you, to look in the mirror and pick out your flaws cus you feel like theyre the only things he sees, to feel like you make such an effort for nothing, to just feel so tired that you want to sit in bed for days and weeks and months and forever cus you dont want to get out of bed to put all that effort in that gets you nothing in the end.
why is it when you talk to me it feels like it's all just extra inconvenient effort that you cant be bothered to put in.
and why is it you just rubbed it in my face that you're talking to some other girl and you felt the need to add words like 'if you must know, i'm talking to' and 'yeah we've been talking forrr... 10 - 15 minutes' .. cus yknow. i wouldn't have been bothered if you hadn't said those things.
so anyways cya.
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Monday, 23 April 2012
friends and drifters
My life has just taken a step in the other direction. I have found myself drifting away from people and towards others and I have found myself a new friend in Pete and some other people at school. I've connected more with Ben and his friends and drifted away pretty much completely with my best friend Kirsty. And it's not that I hate Kirsty because I absolutely do not but.. I'm thinking of just becoming more of a drifter than attached to a friendship group. I have friends in places dotted about school, like Maisie in history and Bronwyn in art, Ahsan and Maisie again in English Language and I'm starting to talk to Toni more because I've re-joined choir. I've found a new friend in Felipe, who's totally into musical theatre and has the best singing voice for musical theatre I've ever heard!
I'm connecting more with people in my classes such as drama since now we're putting on Fame and I'm cast as Serena (meaning duet with Felipe yaaaay) and I.. well actually. Well I've always talked to the people in my German class and our week-long trip to Berlin was definitely a successful bonding activity, if anything. I've come to know year thirteen James through it and he's pretty nice.
Writing out this list, I've noticed that a lot of these people are guys... but with guys there's just more to talk about that's not to do with.. I dunno. Girly stuff. Kirsty never spoke to me about girly stuff, I dunno. I just feel like I need to move on and get on with being someone. Not that being friends with Kirsty meant I never was someone..
ARGH dskgjepkhmowjenfokemh
I just want to be someone else. Please.
It would just be so much easier if I could just go ahead and be someone who isn't me, cus being me sucks a lot of the time. I'm so illogical and have stupid opinions that actually are false cus they don't make sense, even though they're my opinion and no one else's so what I think is actually just yknow whatever blah blah blah.
What's happened to us, blog? Where did all this distance come from? Why can I not cross it and tell you everything? I feel like even you are judging me and preventing me from saying what I want to say. I just feel like the whole world is suffocating me even when my objective eyes can see that it's actually not.
BLAH.
I feel like I have so many feelings but I can't put my finger on any of them, like I'm feeling something that isn't actually there.
Sleep, please. Forever. Thanks. Bye.
I'm connecting more with people in my classes such as drama since now we're putting on Fame and I'm cast as Serena (meaning duet with Felipe yaaaay) and I.. well actually. Well I've always talked to the people in my German class and our week-long trip to Berlin was definitely a successful bonding activity, if anything. I've come to know year thirteen James through it and he's pretty nice.
Writing out this list, I've noticed that a lot of these people are guys... but with guys there's just more to talk about that's not to do with.. I dunno. Girly stuff. Kirsty never spoke to me about girly stuff, I dunno. I just feel like I need to move on and get on with being someone. Not that being friends with Kirsty meant I never was someone..
ARGH dskgjepkhmowjenfokemh
I just want to be someone else. Please.
It would just be so much easier if I could just go ahead and be someone who isn't me, cus being me sucks a lot of the time. I'm so illogical and have stupid opinions that actually are false cus they don't make sense, even though they're my opinion and no one else's so what I think is actually just yknow whatever blah blah blah.
What's happened to us, blog? Where did all this distance come from? Why can I not cross it and tell you everything? I feel like even you are judging me and preventing me from saying what I want to say. I just feel like the whole world is suffocating me even when my objective eyes can see that it's actually not.
BLAH.
I feel like I have so many feelings but I can't put my finger on any of them, like I'm feeling something that isn't actually there.
Sleep, please. Forever. Thanks. Bye.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
40 Truths
Courtesy of ol' Pete a.k.a not Hutchy LOL
Anyway, I was snooping around his blog cus it's too early in the morning for any of my friends to be on skype and I found his 40 truths quiz thing from years ago (which I think he should do again and compare his answers cus that might be interesting) and decided to try it myself, since this is the only place I can be truly truthful without many inhibitions, smileyface.
So here we go.
40 Secrets about yourself.
Be honest no matter what...
1 - Have you ever been asked out?
Yes, a few times.. yeah.
2 - Where was your avatar picture taken?
In my room
3 - What is your middle name?
I have two: Anne Oroc
Oroc is my mum's maiden name
4 - Your current relationship status?
In a relationship. Meh.
5 - Does your crush like you back?
Erm, well.. I'm in a relationship but the way I see it he doesn't like me back in the way that I like him anymore, izzit. *see other blog posts, etc. lol
6 - What is your current mood?
Bored and I have that nagging feeling of cba-ness cus I have to go to an egagement party later which means interaction with people that requires a lot of effort
7 - What color underwear are you wearing?
They are black and kinda like tight shorts with pink trims lol *cringe
8 - What color shirt are you wearing?
A grey vest top and a black jumper with colourful stripes, smileyface
9 - Missing something?
Meh
10 - If you could go back in time and change something, what would you do?
I dunno, if I changed something maybe I wouldn't be the same person I am today so, bleh.
11 - If you must be an animal for one day, what and why?
A bird or a cat. Freedoommm!
12 - Ever had a near death experience?
Errrr.. well I can't remember so that probably means no.. although I could have been in serious trouble one time if Ben hadn't called an ambulance, smileyface.
13 - Something you do a lot?
Hedge
Hedging - a display of uncertainty using speech features like tag questions or words such as 'perhaps' or 'might'
e.g. 'Perhaps we should have some breakfast' rather than 'Let's have some breakfast'
commonly a female feature of speech, etc.
14 - The song stuck in your head?
Probably something from Fame or something, dunno xD I'm just gonna put music on now, paramore ftw!
15 - Who did you copy and paste this from?
Peter smileyface (smileyface not being his second name.. :s)
16 - Name someone who has the same birthday as you.
No idea!
17 - When was the last time you cried?
Couple of days ago most probably.. maybe even the day before yesterday. Which is a couple of days ago, right? meh.
18 - Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yes, I am a singer! Yaay! (www.youtube.com/user/vivialyn14)
19 - If you could have one super power what would it be?
To go invisible.
20 - What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Er, whether they're funny or not. Physically I usually notice their hair tehe
21 - What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I never go to Starbucks lol
22 - What's your biggest secret?
Eh pscht, I don't really have any actual secrets, just awkward feelings.
23 - Favorite color?
It used to be green but now I like colours like grey and pastel yellow cus they is cool
24 - Do you still watch kiddie shows or tv shows?
I don't really watch TV nowadays.. I only watch New Girl or Doctor Who when it's on, but that's gone downhill without good ol' Russel.
25 - What's on your wall?
A couple of canvases with flowers on them and some photos that my sister hung up.
26 - What are you?
Pretty average, yeah.
27 - Do you speak any other language?
I speak German but not fluently ^^'
28 - What's your favorite smell?
Oo I dunno... I quite like the smell of some foods that my mum cooks but I couldn't tell you which cus she cooks crazy weird dishes with fancy names. :)
29 - Describe your life in one word.
Difficult :/
30 - Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Err, probably but nothing special
31 - What are you thinking about right now?
What to write as an answer to this question ;)
33 - What should you be doing?
Getting ready to go to town but I really cannot be bothered cus we'll probably going shopping which sucks, and then I went for a really long walk with Pete yesterday and now my legs hurt cus I suck at walking.
34 - Who was the last being that made you upset/angry?
Ben probably cus he makes me upset/angry a lot of the time, blah.
35 - How often do you talk to God?
Eh, never. I'm written down as a Roman Catholic but I'm not too religious. I don't believe in God persay, just someone up there looking after people like my daddy <3
37 - If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
Meh, no idea. Middleton fits quite well.
39 - What is your natural hair color?
Black but then I dyed it red lots of times when I was younger and then Ben persuaded me to dye it purple on a whim once and now it's kind of a browny colour.
40 - What are you terrible at?
Talking, maths, geography, being cool, etc. blah.
Anyway, I was snooping around his blog cus it's too early in the morning for any of my friends to be on skype and I found his 40 truths quiz thing from years ago (which I think he should do again and compare his answers cus that might be interesting) and decided to try it myself, since this is the only place I can be truly truthful without many inhibitions, smileyface.
So here we go.
40 Secrets about yourself.
Be honest no matter what...
1 - Have you ever been asked out?
Yes, a few times.. yeah.
2 - Where was your avatar picture taken?
In my room
3 - What is your middle name?
I have two: Anne Oroc
Oroc is my mum's maiden name
4 - Your current relationship status?
In a relationship. Meh.
5 - Does your crush like you back?
Erm, well.. I'm in a relationship but the way I see it he doesn't like me back in the way that I like him anymore, izzit. *see other blog posts, etc. lol
6 - What is your current mood?
Bored and I have that nagging feeling of cba-ness cus I have to go to an egagement party later which means interaction with people that requires a lot of effort
7 - What color underwear are you wearing?
They are black and kinda like tight shorts with pink trims lol *cringe
8 - What color shirt are you wearing?
A grey vest top and a black jumper with colourful stripes, smileyface
9 - Missing something?
Meh
10 - If you could go back in time and change something, what would you do?
I dunno, if I changed something maybe I wouldn't be the same person I am today so, bleh.
11 - If you must be an animal for one day, what and why?
A bird or a cat. Freedoommm!
12 - Ever had a near death experience?
Errrr.. well I can't remember so that probably means no.. although I could have been in serious trouble one time if Ben hadn't called an ambulance, smileyface.
13 - Something you do a lot?
Hedge
Hedging - a display of uncertainty using speech features like tag questions or words such as 'perhaps' or 'might'
e.g. 'Perhaps we should have some breakfast' rather than 'Let's have some breakfast'
commonly a female feature of speech, etc.
14 - The song stuck in your head?
Probably something from Fame or something, dunno xD I'm just gonna put music on now, paramore ftw!
15 - Who did you copy and paste this from?
Peter smileyface (smileyface not being his second name.. :s)
16 - Name someone who has the same birthday as you.
No idea!
17 - When was the last time you cried?
Couple of days ago most probably.. maybe even the day before yesterday. Which is a couple of days ago, right? meh.
18 - Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yes, I am a singer! Yaay! (www.youtube.com/user/vivialyn14)
19 - If you could have one super power what would it be?
To go invisible.
20 - What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Er, whether they're funny or not. Physically I usually notice their hair tehe
21 - What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I never go to Starbucks lol
22 - What's your biggest secret?
Eh pscht, I don't really have any actual secrets, just awkward feelings.
23 - Favorite color?
It used to be green but now I like colours like grey and pastel yellow cus they is cool
24 - Do you still watch kiddie shows or tv shows?
I don't really watch TV nowadays.. I only watch New Girl or Doctor Who when it's on, but that's gone downhill without good ol' Russel.
25 - What's on your wall?
A couple of canvases with flowers on them and some photos that my sister hung up.
26 - What are you?
Pretty average, yeah.
27 - Do you speak any other language?
I speak German but not fluently ^^'
28 - What's your favorite smell?
Oo I dunno... I quite like the smell of some foods that my mum cooks but I couldn't tell you which cus she cooks crazy weird dishes with fancy names. :)
29 - Describe your life in one word.
Difficult :/
30 - Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Err, probably but nothing special
31 - What are you thinking about right now?
What to write as an answer to this question ;)
33 - What should you be doing?
Getting ready to go to town but I really cannot be bothered cus we'll probably going shopping which sucks, and then I went for a really long walk with Pete yesterday and now my legs hurt cus I suck at walking.
34 - Who was the last being that made you upset/angry?
Ben probably cus he makes me upset/angry a lot of the time, blah.
35 - How often do you talk to God?
Eh, never. I'm written down as a Roman Catholic but I'm not too religious. I don't believe in God persay, just someone up there looking after people like my daddy <3
37 - If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
Meh, no idea. Middleton fits quite well.
39 - What is your natural hair color?
Black but then I dyed it red lots of times when I was younger and then Ben persuaded me to dye it purple on a whim once and now it's kind of a browny colour.
40 - What are you terrible at?
Talking, maths, geography, being cool, etc. blah.
Thursday, 19 April 2012
what the fuuuccckk
basically, i'm just asking for some more attention and loving but you just cant be bothered, what is this?! im so frustrated, please just put more effort in or leave cus I am boorreeddddd.
have to write a stupid history essay now, sad face, laters
have to write a stupid history essay now, sad face, laters
Friday, 13 April 2012
below par
ever feel like you're not good enough? like you don't know enough or you don't understand things or you can't do things other people can do so easily? ever feel like people compare you to other people better than you? or think too highly of you so you end up falling on your face?
yeah. me too.
it's nearly exam time and i've had no motivation to do any revision. the subject i need to most revision on is history and i've made some powerpoints to help me revise but theyre not finished.. i've just handed in my english language coursework never to be touched again and i hope to god it's alright.. my work didn't get marked as much as other people's work because our teacher was always busy with other stuff and i thought i could take care of things myself..
i just hate talking to people and asking for help. i hate telling people how i feel and making myself feel small because most people have such high expectations and views of me that i feel like if i slumped and did the smallest thing wrong, they'd be so disappointed and i'd be utterly humiliated for not being the person they thought i was.
i'm not even that special. i'm not a super genious, i'm just enthusiastic about getting things done. i have the confidence to get up in front of an audience and present or perform but i have no confidence to ask for help. i can't even tell mum that i feel ill and i can't talk about how i feel most of the time because i don't want to look like an attention seeker. and then when i come out with average grades when everyone thought i would do amazingly, all i can do is bury my head in the sand until the hype of results goes away.
i'm frightened of going out and being on my own. i need support and praise when i get things right so i can handle it better when i get it wrong. i hardly ever see my mother because she's always out working and a lot of the time we argue because that's what families do - argue about silly things. it's not just a few times i've been called lazy and hopeless when i feel like i put a lot of effort into things and people just don't see.
i dont want to be pushed around and i want to succeed but im afraid of rejection and humiliation, as most people are. i dont want to hide myself away because i do like positive attention, but i dont want people to fuss and look up to me because i know i will only let them down because im never as good as people expect me to be. i'm just average with a little more confidence than the rest.
i get compared to other people a lot - my friends, people who are better than me.. "your friends make you as depressed as them, they have a terrible outlook on life and they drag you down with them", "so and so has done so much work, why haven't you done that?" people just don't understand that i'm not like everyone else and i dont want to be so dont make me into someone i'm not. if i dont want to do it that way then i wont. simple as. stop comparing me to other people and let me be myself and maybe then i'll be able to talk more and do better.
i feel terrible about myself a lot of the time because i feel like i constantly let people down and i cant do anything about it. they just expect too much of me because i'm always smiling. just because i look happy, doesnt mean i will do better than those who dont look happy. charisma isn't everything - and i dont even have that much charisma. i just try to be myself but society wants me to flow with the river and i dont want to = i end up failing. that's not strictly true and that doesn't really make sense.
what i'm trying to say is, even the confident people need support because maybe the confidence is a mask, a cover-up of how they really feel underneath. care more, please.
thanks.
yeah. me too.
it's nearly exam time and i've had no motivation to do any revision. the subject i need to most revision on is history and i've made some powerpoints to help me revise but theyre not finished.. i've just handed in my english language coursework never to be touched again and i hope to god it's alright.. my work didn't get marked as much as other people's work because our teacher was always busy with other stuff and i thought i could take care of things myself..
i just hate talking to people and asking for help. i hate telling people how i feel and making myself feel small because most people have such high expectations and views of me that i feel like if i slumped and did the smallest thing wrong, they'd be so disappointed and i'd be utterly humiliated for not being the person they thought i was.
i'm not even that special. i'm not a super genious, i'm just enthusiastic about getting things done. i have the confidence to get up in front of an audience and present or perform but i have no confidence to ask for help. i can't even tell mum that i feel ill and i can't talk about how i feel most of the time because i don't want to look like an attention seeker. and then when i come out with average grades when everyone thought i would do amazingly, all i can do is bury my head in the sand until the hype of results goes away.
i'm frightened of going out and being on my own. i need support and praise when i get things right so i can handle it better when i get it wrong. i hardly ever see my mother because she's always out working and a lot of the time we argue because that's what families do - argue about silly things. it's not just a few times i've been called lazy and hopeless when i feel like i put a lot of effort into things and people just don't see.
i dont want to be pushed around and i want to succeed but im afraid of rejection and humiliation, as most people are. i dont want to hide myself away because i do like positive attention, but i dont want people to fuss and look up to me because i know i will only let them down because im never as good as people expect me to be. i'm just average with a little more confidence than the rest.
i get compared to other people a lot - my friends, people who are better than me.. "your friends make you as depressed as them, they have a terrible outlook on life and they drag you down with them", "so and so has done so much work, why haven't you done that?" people just don't understand that i'm not like everyone else and i dont want to be so dont make me into someone i'm not. if i dont want to do it that way then i wont. simple as. stop comparing me to other people and let me be myself and maybe then i'll be able to talk more and do better.
i feel terrible about myself a lot of the time because i feel like i constantly let people down and i cant do anything about it. they just expect too much of me because i'm always smiling. just because i look happy, doesnt mean i will do better than those who dont look happy. charisma isn't everything - and i dont even have that much charisma. i just try to be myself but society wants me to flow with the river and i dont want to = i end up failing. that's not strictly true and that doesn't really make sense.
what i'm trying to say is, even the confident people need support because maybe the confidence is a mask, a cover-up of how they really feel underneath. care more, please.
thanks.
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Peter's Love's End
So Peter confesses his love for Lyn the moment he saw her and they agree to try out a long distance relationship. Peter leaves the next morning and Lyn feels like starting afresh. She finds that she is able to pay off her rent and the next morning she gets promoted! She uses the new money to tip off her landlord and to move into a new apartment which has two floors! It has a fold-out bed in the spare room for guests or a roommate and she has her own en suite. Lyn feels like her new start is exactly what she needed, and she trims up her diet and her lifestyle by going for a jog every morning.
A month later, Peter offers to come and stay with Lyn for a night. Lyn excitedly accepts since she hasn't seen him since she moved into her new apartment. She gives him her new address and tidies up the apartment for his visit.
But Peter brings bad news. As faithful as he would have liked to been, the distance had gotten the better of him and he explains that the relationship would just not work.
I think this will be the end for this legacy and I'll start a proper one and I'll start one from college and it will be awesome. Maybe I'll give it its own blog, smiley face. Bye!
Saw it coming..
and I kicked him out, done!
The next day, she goes out on the town with one of her friends who decided to take her out to cheer her up. She dances and drinks, letting loose and forgetting about her troubles and the next day she wakes up with the familiar headache of a hangover. She goes to work, drifting through the day until a friendly face pops up in her mind.
Peter? That guy she went on that tour with when she was on holiday? That guy who had given her that understanding smile and his number on the back of the napkin at lunch?
She calls him up and, since he lives so far away, offers himself as a house guest for three days. He offers to bring some money to pay the rent as a temporary roommate while she gets back on track with her work performance and she gets her bearings.
On the second night, however, Peter reveals that he was hoping that Lyn would call him. He mentioned subtly that he would like to get to know her more and hands over the rest of his money in an envelope and declares his leave early the next morning. They sit and watch the final half hour of Cat - a newly released horror movie - and Peter says goodnight...
Stay tuned. :P
Monday, 9 April 2012
New Leaf
but what is this? talking to another girl while Lyn is out on a tour, eh? dunduundunnnn...
Friday, 6 April 2012
Legacy
I'm mega bored so I'm gonna start myself a legacy on the sims 2. Screw rules, I can't be bothered to look them up, so I'll start with one sim and see how far I get with the family. I have all of the expansion packs but on my laptop at the moment I only have Nightlife and Open for Business cus I can't be bothered to install any of the others xD (this laptop is reasonably new)
So here goes. I'm gonna start off with my Simself, smiley face. :D
I will try to update this as often as I can be bothered ^^
Laters
So here goes. I'm gonna start off with my Simself, smiley face. :D
Laters
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