I love you.

bleh

dontcha just love life. have nothing to do and no one to talk to. come second to the people who matter the most. would rather not see you than see you and then be forgotten in seconds. tidying up my room and finding old things to throw out. probably for the best.

yeah well it fucking sucks to feel like you're putting in so much effort for someone who's not interested, doesn't it.
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hypocrisy (sp.?)

I am sick to the back teeth of people being so depressed about EVERYTHING. I am tired of people not living up to life cus they're too chicken/too comfortable under their duvets to face the sunlight.

I know that sometimes I can be completely and utterly hopeless and I'm like urghh life is gay hate life blah blah BUT SERIOUSLY. I've had enough of myself and I've had enough of other people like that. If I need cheering up I go looking for it! I don't sit and mope (for too long anyway ¬¬) but recently I have just been so like..

cannooottt be bothereddd listening to people whining and moaning and making life hard for themselves cus theyre just being stupid.

man up, bitches!

peace.

I'm tired of empty promises. Stop making them.

I can't sleep now and I feel rubbish about myself. If I ever manage to get to sleep I'll be sure to get back to you.

Bye.
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bleh

positively fed up. wish it hadn't been so hard to turn away earlier.

sundown - charlie simpson

it's funny how music can move you; when you find that right song that catches your heart and pulls you in.

i am a big fan of pretty music, soft music with gorgeous harmonies and blahblahblah and i found this song on my friend's acoustic playlist on spotify and instantly fell in love. it's not a song i listen to cus of the lyrics, but the chorus and his voice really takes my breath away. i need to find headphones for my phone so i can listen to this song in bed - it makes me feel happy moments and sad moments and provokes memories and makes me think of my future.

a song like this can never grow old. i've been listening to it when i get the chance this weekend and even now, for the thousandth time, it still brings tears to my eyes.

just wanted to share, cus it has become something of a soother of hard times for me, and i hope you like it.

weekend

tomorrow is mufti day THANK GOD i can put on some jeans and wear a hoodie and just be comfy in my clothes for once!

and also i am very much looking forward to the weekend because i get to spend it with ben! tomorrow is our last day at school for two weeks and i SOoooOOoo need the holiday omg i am so knackered. xD

mental health

okay so, since this is my blog and i can put what i want, i just wanted to share with you what I have been up to this evening.

basically, the other day Ben said he took an OCD test and came out as actually having it (these are online tests btw so i don't take them too literally) so I decided to take some tests and the first one I took was a bipolar disorder test. i have considered possibly having it and ben often calls me bipolar in arguments, blah blah xD so i just decided to take one just to see what i'd get.

Based upon your responses to this bipolar disorder quiz, you appear to be suffering from moderate to severe symptoms associated with a bipolar disorder. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder and have sought professional treatment for this disorder. (You may, however, still fit into the less serious diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder.) 

I scored 46 and 36 - 50 was moderate to severe symptoms. But obviously, this is an online test so I'm taking it with a pinch of salt!

I also took a romantic attachment test and what came out was pretty accurate! :O

You have described yourself as preoccupied in your attachments. This suggests that you have more intense interpersonal relations than many people do, that in your romantic relations you sometimes feel really quite close, and at other times you feel almost estranged and cut-off. You probably have a hard time asserting yourself in a way that makes you feel you are really in control of your emotions. You may find that you often feel let down and as if you are giving much more than you get in your romances.

It's possible that your partners feel as if you don't really know who they are, even though you feel you are very intimate with them. You probably have a higher level of emotional arousal than most other people, both positive and negative, and this gets expressed in your romantic relationships. You may find it hard to be without a lover, and yet find that when you have a lover, the intensity puts a strain on the relationship.

Being preoccupied in romance is a matter of degree. A good lover thinks of the beloved often and holds the beloved in her or his thoughts. Mindfulness is a virtue and being mindful of one's lover is highly regarded and a tremendous asset in close relationships. But there's a difference between mindfulness and preoccupation. If you feel that perhaps you have been too preoccupied in love, it may be time for you to consider professional help. Being overly preoccupied in love is a condition that can often be successfully addressed in psychotherapy.

Remember that attachment styles exist in degrees, and in this test, the degree to which a style is true for you will make a difference in your interpretation. Everyone has to have some style or another, and the features of any one style only become maladaptive when they exist in the extreme.

this is a lot to read for you guys if you're actually reading it xD but I just wanted to share with you what I got. I kinda suspected I might have bipolar disorder - only mildly - but was too scared to say anything because I don't want people saying 'omg lyn shut up youre being stupid you just want things to be about you all the time you attention-seeker, how pathetic thinking you have some kind of problem you're just weird' :S so yeah.

anyway xD laters

No more arguments. Just love and cuddles and maturity and thinking before I say things and no silliness.

I had a lovely time at ben's house tonight with some well-deserved cuddles and love. Things are back on track again so far :)

Happy! Lyn.
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screw it. absolutely fuck it. fuck fuck fuck fuck it.

im sorry, what is this? a what? just friends. bitter friends. friends who have history. probably not friends at all. what do i mean to you? im not sure anymore. after putting in so much effort, i've just come out of it feeling disappointed. i dont know what to do anymore. it seems everything is on strictly feel-like-it terms and to you im more of a fun way to pass the time than an actual need - than actual love.

i wish i could bring myself to end this before it gets out of hand but the idiot side of me that is willing to go through all this hurt is holding me back. i dont want to be on my own and i most certainly just need a good night's sleep with you by my side to make it all better and i wish i could say 'and you know you need it too' but i'm not sure what you need anymore because you never tell me and it's all just so awkward now that im not sure where i stand and how you see me.

you dont miss me, you dont need me. a lot of the time you would be better off without me. you never want to spend time with me and im scared that you're gonna leave me soon. im scared that you will see how much of a burden this whole situation is and youre just gonna get up and say 'i've have enough' and just leave me. and if there's nothing i'm scared of more it's you leaving me.

i need you and i want you and i love you and it hurts.

ahhhh... sigh.

things have gone backwards. i'm spending yet another weekend alone - alone as in not with ben. but i am spending tomorrow evening with a friend and we're gonna have a chinese and maybe watch a film, just me and him. i'm really looking forward to it, he's such a good friend and he's totally up for spending his evening with me! which is more i can say for someone ..

so yeah... not feeling too appreciated at the moment and i will continue to tell myself that things will change until they do. i don't want to throw away two of the best years of my life. not yet, anyway.

Okay. So from now on I am going to aim to write two things good for everything bad on this blog, because before it mainly consisted of bad things that I felt I couldn't talk to about anything, and the lack of good things made me seem like the world was against me and that I have this awful life, etc. when actually I don't. So here goes.

Today I had a great time in school seeing Ben because I actually felt like he was happy to see me, with all the cuddles and 'oo lynnie cuddle cuddle' stuff. And it made me really happy, it really did. I feel like things are finally turning around -- that is, I did until something happened earlier that made my heart sink so low in myself that I swear it was starting to get dissolved by my stomach acid - haha very funny.

On texts to me, ben puts around three or four texts - five if I've put millions (lol). But today ben accidentally sent me a text that was meant for this girl who I really really really REALLY hate. She is so so so pretty and has amazing dress sense but she is also a fucking bomb waiting to blow up everything you have built up for yourself in life - emotions, memories, trust, reasoning - all of it. Boom.

Last year, ben and I were going through a rough patch and he ended up .. it wasn't exactly cheating but it broke my heart like as if it were. Nothing spectacular happened, just blah and then some anger and then some promises and it was all forgotten.

So this text yesterday, apparently she was asking about homework. Okay, sure, fine, no problem. Except that this text was asking her 'what do you do in dancing? xxx' so it wasn't actually about homework and it had three kisses on the end. His excuse was that he was putting kisses to be polite - but last time I checked, you would only put one kiss on if that were so. So how many kisses was she sending to him if the ones he were sending back were polite kisses?! Urgh! I'm so angry because I have to let it go. I have to not ask questions even tho I have a right to because if I did then that would be being controlling.

So that put me in a rubbish mood, but I spoke to a friend about it so I managed to get most of it off my chest. So yeah. Urgh.

Anyway, this evening I had an alright time playing LoL with Ben and his friends - I suck so I get shouted at but I would rather that than no communication at all. Besides, having bens friends there made it kinda funny cus they don't shout at me and they made jokes and stuff so yeah. I had an alright evening. Smiley face.

Sleepy time now, my thumbs hurt. ;D night!
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spontaneous2

this is a poem i once wrote for ben and also i entered it for a poetry competition at school and it won a prize! yay!

Red is for apples, the sweetest of May
That fall to the ground in pure disarray
Orange is fire, the flames and decay
That char all the anger and keep it at bay
Yellow like pollen and the sun and its beams
Your hair and the stardust and gold diamond rings 
Green like the limes that are tingly and sour
Chilled and refreshing just like a spring shower 
Blue are your eyes that match the sea and the sky
Solemn and calm as the hours go by
Indigo is promising, just like the wind
That whispers and carries hope on its wings 
Violet like velvet; the caress of your skin
That soothes and embraces all that we’ve been
To you and to me, to the world at our feet
To forever and beyond, as one and complete
♥

spontaneous

so the other night i randomly decided to write a story and I ended up starting out with the night my daddy died. but then it got into a whole other business that i would just like to share with you.. if you would take the time to read it i would much appreciate it and hopefully so will you, Ben. :) <3

Ben and I started taking interest in each other in year nine, when the science classes got moved around and we got put in the same class. He always stood out with his strawberry blonde hair and his hilarious sense of humour. He was so popular and so clever, and knew the answer to most questions. He was one of those people who rarely put their hand up and tended to shout out instead but no one minded because he asked good questions and gave the right answers. He was funny and said funny things and he was really nice and friendly.
   One lesson, our teacher put us into groups for an experiment with the light boxes, and Ben and I were put in the same group. He made me laugh so much and I enjoyed being around him. He made me happy even back then, and, to be honest, I had always had my eye on him since my friend told me she fancied him in year eight. I knew his name but he didn’t know mine - he had gone to primary school with my other friend who always pointed him out when he walked past. When I saw that he had been put in the same science class as me, I would sometimes walk in a pluck up enough courage to say hello. I had to pluck up courage because he was so popular and totally out of my league. He had so many friends who wanted to talk to him all the time and I would think, ‘Why would someone as loved as him want to talk to a nobody like me?’
   His lockers were opposite mine and he started to say hi to me in between in each lesson when we saw each other. I would smile politely back at him trying not to look too interested because he was so out of my league that if we couldn’t be together, we should just be good friends. But then saying ‘hi’ turned into hugs and he started saving a seat for me next to him in our English lessons that we had shared since the beginning of year nine.
   We watched Romeo and Juliet (the version with Leonardo Dicaprio in it) as part of studying Shakespeare and I was sitting next to him. Our table was an L shape, and Ben and his friend were sat on one side and my friend and I on the other. Ben and I were sat on the corner and he nudged his foot against mine. Then he moved his arm towards mine and put his hand in mine.
   There was another time when we went into the Weston Theatre to watch the year eights do an election thing as part of their citizenship classes. He saved me a seat next to him and then, when it had ended and we were slowly emptying the theatre, he held my hand and held it firmly like he didn’t want to let go. When we got to the lockers he waited for me to gather my things and then leaned in to kiss me before he left. Silly ol’ me turned away at the last minute because I panicked and now I regret it because I did want him to kiss me.
   That was the only time in my life that I have felt so wanted. There has never been a point in my life that I can remember in which I have felt even close to an equivalence of that moment.
   That summer I went on holiday to the Philippines since we have family there and we stayed there for six weeks. I missed him and when I got back he told me he had missed me. While I was there I had had a lot of time to sit on the beach and watch the sunset and reflect on what I really wanted. And I did want this - I did want to be with Ben.
   When I got back I went to his house, still just friends, to watch him play Final Fantasy VII (because that had been my excuse to see him outside of school and go to his house and spend time with him). In the end, I watched him play a bit of Portal and then we watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. His room is tiny and we had to sit on the bed to watch the TV. I put my head on his shoulder and he kissed me a few times on the cheek. I had a good time and definitely wanted to have more of those moments.
   From the Tuesday after that weekend, we became official. We told everyone that we were together and when people asked us, ‘Who asked who out?’ We would said, ‘Neither of us. It just happened.’ This made me feel so grown up because it was mature and it was genuine - we both fell for each other and we both decided, without having to discuss or ask questions, that we wanted to be with each other.
   And from there it was plain sailing. We would see each other nearly every weekend and we would talk on MSN after school and he would tell me how much he wanted to be with me at that moment and when I said goodnight he’d say, ‘I will do whatever it takes to talk to you tomorrow because you are the most important thing to me.’ And I believed it and he did - he would wait for me after lessons and hold my hand walking to and from our lockers.




that was as far as I got but there is other stuff on my computer that I would also like to share!

love

so after a horrible start to the day, things have gotten better. i've been sat in a call with ben and his mates while they played some games together and it made me feel better about being home alone.

he asked me if I wanted to go to his house tomorrow, but I'd already arranged to go to a movie night with some friends. argh! I'm so torn. I would absolutely love love love LOVE to go to his house tomorrow, but I can't abandon my friends. Not after everything they've done for me.

But I'm really in need of a cuddle, just to be held and felt loved if only for just a few seconds..

ahh, life is hard. love is hard work. and we're all so small and helpless.

if its worth having, its worth fighting for.

right then. that's it. i'm sick of arguing with you and i hate making silly plans like 'fine then we just wont ever talk' blah blah blah.

you once told me i was your soul mate, so watch me being your soul mate.

i love you.

I'm so fed up of being on my own all the time. This week has been one of the worst I've ever experienced and I've just been turned away by the one person I want to be with most of all.

Everyone is going out today and I need to stay home and do some work. I just want to be with someone, anyone now. I need to be held and I need someone to tell me everything is okay. I want you to stroke my hair like you do and I want you to make me laugh and smile. You're such an idiot but you're so funny and I just want to be with you right now.

I need a cuddle. :(