happy days

oohhh happy daayyyssss, my friends are awesome, life is awesome right now, everyones happy, everyone is awesome like LOL so happy smiley smiley smiley face :) <3

isn't it crazy how everyone has their own issues of some sort.. so many different lives with different problems but we're actually all the same on the inside: a brain, a heart, lungs, etc.. we have different tastes in music and we listen to that music for different reasons; we take likings to different people for different reasons because of them and because of yourself - and the way we see them may be different to the way they see themselves..

everything is so complicated nowadays. there's so much to think about when actually all i need to do is "get on with it". what does that even mean? get on with it. get on with what? to get along with someone? to start doing something?

today in drama we were sharing ideas and I came round to explaining that theory where there is an infinite amount of parallel universes stacked together like toast and they're all interlinked: a choice you make may lead you to one parallel universe, whereas choosing something else will lead you to another. for example: i decide to have toast in the morning and i start to feel hungry around an hour later and end up complaining to my friends about my hunger, therefore triggering conversation about food or something -- but alternately, choosing to have cereal instead of toast would have taken me to a different universe without me realising, where i don't feel hungry around an hour later and those conversations about food wouldn't have happened. according to this theory, there are different versions of yourself all across existence, with nothing but a thin barrier or reality or.. what? void? between you.

what if we, as conscious human beings, decided to look into this and find a way to consciously choose which reality to be in? telling the future but not in a solid state - choosing your future, if you will. nowadays, in fiction, someone who can tell the future (or at least knows how) will tell you that the future is always changing, and that time is not linear: you can go back and forth and roundabouts until you end up at the end.

imagine if we could, then, choose our future. what would you choose? what would you change? would it be better that way? to prepare yourself for success and failure as you see fit? what kind of new problems would spring from this phenomenon i.e. the paths i have to choose from all offer some kind of failure in some way, i'm stuck. would this be the equivalent to what would then be the outdated version of the problem of not knowing what to do with your life? or not making a decision on the basis that you are afraid of the outcome?

i am afraid. i am afraid of the future and what it might bring: more rejection and pain. i can't help but not trust him as much as i could before.. but.. it's my fault and not his. what can i do about this? should i leave things behind as they are or persevere with this feeling that i'm not good enough for him and never will be?

all i need is to reconcile my feelings within myself, and i feel the only way to do that would be to feel somehow more accepted and wanted.. of course, friends are friends. friends stay and move on as they please, whether they care or not. everyone has their own choices in life and i don't want to be left behind, but i can just see it coming.

am I really as boring as you say I am? which of the things you say are actually true? do you or do you not actually love me for who I am? always comparing me to other people and criticising my choices.. i just get the feeling you want me to be someone else. prettier, funnier, more interesting, more independent, more caring.. just better. but instead of helping me, you criticise and avoid me. i can't fix anything if i need help that no one's giving me. i want to stay how i am but i want you to love me for who i am. you should never change for anybody.. but what if i changed for the worse and i just need to change back? what would i lose and what would i gain? pros and cons.. heavy thinking.

it's so unfair the way you can just throw around words like you own the place, and then expect me to come crawling back because it's only logical. what if i feel something that isn't logical and i just want someone to rub my back and say, 'whatever it is, it will be okay.' kirsty and mitch are the best at doing that. they pick me up cus they don't pressure me into telling them something and give me space but care at the same time and i feel like they really wont judge what im saying and.. i dont feel that naturally off him unless we're actually talking in person, otherwise i feel like he's not really reading what im typing over skype or whatever..

ive lost my train of thought now and i cant remember it so, yeah.

disappointment

oh the familiar feeling.. maybe i should just get rid of what disappoints me. maybe then i will go back to being that happy lyn that i havent seen for a very long time.

it's like a cliché teen movie where the girl's going out with a mega douchebag and her friends are like GET OUT but the guy's so arrogant like "you love me, you know you do" and she can do so much better but it takes ages for her to realise it cus she is too scared of change or she's intimidated by him or he's just a downright asshole.

actually that kinda reminds me of the second episode of New Girl

oh boy i love new girl

but yeah. im a little disappointed and a little bit angry and a little bit like 'my life sucks' and a little bit like 'yeah well i dont even care about you anyway cus im angry and i dont care' and a little bit like FUCK YOU  but i guess it's alright, i'll just have a shit friday night and then hopefully an awesome time filming tomorrow and then a decent sunday with a movie night and stuffs.. yeah.

stuffs.

that feeling

when you know there's always better options out there for him and you can't help but be put down by other pretty girls.. why me? not complaining.. but i'm sure you'd prefer girls with nicer skin, girls who are easier to have fun around, girls who have their own friends and would ditch you for them, girls who can just be your friend, no strings attached, girls who don't take you so seriously all the time, girls who wear glasses, girls who have nicer hair, girls who make more of an effort, girls who put themselves out there, girls who are quiet and mysterious, girls who are much more interesting than I am.

everythings all chocolate biscuits

i am definitely getting better at talking about things and saying what's up when he asks, 'what's up?' my down times are getting a lot shorter and i'm determined to get back to my happy self. my way to live life is not to take things so seriously all the time, cus it only gets you down. :)

on a more chill note, MUM BOUGHT BISCUITS YESSSS *party*

thoughts.

y'know when you hear the things that hurt to hear but needed to be heard?

basically, i heard tonight some stuff that seems irreversible and it really made me think. i haven't changed so much, just our situation has. my insecurities have grown subconsiously and i can't shake them. i'm not the only one who used to be fun. you used to be caring and now i'm just intimidated by you. i've known it for a while and thinking about what we are now compared to what we used to be makes me sadder each day because you say that things will get better when they only go down this route to failure.

it's failure because there's no effort. i have looked at many people and said to myself, 'if we met now, we would never be friends' but this is different. and you can't say that it was heat of the moment - because that is a big thing to say that must have stemmed from somewhere.

thinking about it now, i guess maybe the reason i insult you is because i don't feel good enough for you and i hate how i feel like you look down on  me so i try to bring you to my level, if you like. i feel like you're always turning your nose up at me and i just get in the way. you find it so easy to ditch me for your friends when you've said you want to actually be with me - so which one's the lie?

anyway tomorrow i guess there is only one more thing to do - and that is to get to the bottom of this relationship that is a chore now. we're both so tired of getting hurt: me tired of feeling neglected and you tired of not feeling respected and cared about. how can you feel like i don't care? yes, i want you to be happy. but i want you to be happy with me too and it seems impossible to have both now. you're a completely different person when you're with your friends - more cheerful and happy and everyone likes you. but when you're with me, everything has to be exclusive and intimate. we can't just mess around anymore - it has to be snuggles and touching.

i thought we were supposed to be best friends first? you would be my best friend. i would love to have a guy like you as my best friend. you're funny and intelligent.. but when you're with people like anthony and otis you just.. it's just not my humour. what you talk about with your friends don't interest me - but you talk about different things when you hang around with, say, Jordan, cus he's not into gaming, really, like your main friends are.

can we not have a relationship like that? i feel like you don't care about what i'm interested in. i'm impressed you are still keeping up with the sweeney todd thing.. well.. a relationship like that would suffice but i want to go back to the times you would tell people that you love me because you were proud of being with me..

i just dont feel any spark coming from you and i put a lot of effort in and a lot of my mood swings come from frustration that things aren't working and i dont know what i'm doing wrong.

but about the things you said.. if that's what you feel then i don't want to keep going like this. i want to feel like you wake up thinking positive things about me, like, 'yes, i get to see lyn at school today' and i want you to feel like seeing me maybe for only two minutes cheers you up.. but the only compliments you give me are that my hair looks nice or my outfit is nice or that my bum feels nice in these trousers.. -_-

i just want more effort from you. i want you to be selfish about me and i want you to want me. alright. it's not about needing me (though that would be nice) but i just want to feel like you want me. and not just physically.. i want you to want me and i want to feel it. it's frustrating that you don't miss me as often as I miss you.. but could that be just because i'm not the person i used to be and you don't miss me because you don't look forward to me as much as you did.

time was, you'd miss me just by going home from school - and i still feel that level of love and passion for you but on your side, things have faded.

if you read this and get a chance to post before i possibly go over to your house tomorrow, please post a blog about it on our blog. it would mean a lot to me.

thanks.

i dont want to give you anything anymore. i dont want to be your call girl. get to fuck. i hate you.

think you can just waltz around like you own the place, turning your nose up and putting yourself above everyone else. we're all just worthless and when you say "i care" you're fucking lying. you don't care one bit. you just want to keep your distance from the filth beneath your feet more formally known as everyone else. no one is good enough for you. go ahead and design your own girlfriend cus i'm done with that label. i feel sorry for you and any other girl who might fall into your trap. you pull them in and then just sit there while they tear themselves apart over you cus you're so two-faced and spew meaningless spontaneous and in the moment insults and compliments that you don't actually mean.

go ahead with your "i just wanted someone to love me" reasons. you talk absolute shit anyways and you don't deserve the love i give you. "lovers" ?? whatever. go die and burn in hell cus you deserve a lot worse.

not the wanted

I need to somehow stack myself up on work for the weekend or go out or something. The plans I had have been ditched at the last minute (oh so ironic) so I need something else. I need someone else.

So I guess you could this something of an 'all time low'. I feel hopeless and unnecessary. Why do I sit here and take it? I don't know, my friends don't know. I don't even think you know. Do you? Because I don't. And I can't give it up, this hobby of mine. I feel like I'm just sailing on auto-pilot. Usually, I'm content with that. I like drifting but achieving. I was always good at that. But now? I don't like where I'm drifting to and my vision is cloudy and it scares me.

University? Too soon. And it's two years away. I feel pushed and shoved and disorientated. And you're not helping me. You, of all people, are only taking. Asking and taking things for yourself - and not just from me. Wasting money and time and my efforts and emotions on things that suit you and no one else. You don't care about anyone else. You only want to do what you want to do and how you do it is the best way for it and nothing else will suffice or even come close.

What am I to you? Because 'soulmate' has worn off. It has faded and it means nothing now - like when you say a word over and over and it stops being a word and just becomes a set of sounds you spew out of your mouth. Soulmate soulmate soulmate.

And you. Always talking. Always "chatting" but never chilling. Shut. up.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of sitting here waiting for you to use me. I'm tired of setting myself up to fall. I need to stop hoping and start expecting. Expecting that I'm nothing. Knowing that I'm nothing. Stop thinking. Start knowing. Stop messing. Start walking. Stop watching. Do something.

How long can this last? Ridiculous, stupid, hopeless, meaningless, unworthy, inadequate, ugly and unattractive. Gain weight, be friendlier, accept him, cut hair, open up more, "you can talk to me". What does it all mean? Who am I anyway? Who do I think I am? What is this? Where am I?

I am nowhere. I am nothing. We are still but neverending. We are laughing but staring. We are dreaming but shivvering. We are complements but together we are contrasts. Is there someone else? What else? Everything. Anything is better than now. Count your days, get older, skip to the future and get on with it.

Here: take these feelings and deal with them. I'm done.

Today is the day my happy mood of the past two or so weeks comes to an end. Yesterday and today I have had sinking feelings, like someone hanging weights off my shoulders whilst I am slowly swallowed my quick sand - the weights being simply sadness and exhaustion and the quick sand being defeat.

There is no particular reason as to why I feel unhappy, though there are contributing factors - and the main contributing factor's name is Ben.

He seems to think I am unable to accept the fact that he has friends - and, quite frankly, I take offense. I have friends too, don't I? I don't have a problem with the fact that he has friends. I have a problem with coming second.

So we used to spend every weekend apart and we used to always want to see each other. I remember specifically one time when he said to me 'I miss you because I want to see you more and more but its getting harder to see you'. But now I feel like often he wants to just do whatever needs to be done with me and then finally get some relaxation with his friends. I feel like a chore, if you will. I feel like he doesn't want to make the effort to ask me the time of day - only to invite me to a game of LoL and tell me he loves me just to keep the peace.

All those times I've cried out and said that I was fed up with this relationship.. they weren't lies or phases, per se, because I still do feel fed up on a regular basis, whether I'm smiling and laughing in his company or not. Its moreso that I am fed up of many different aspects of this relationship and the few and far between faces of Benjamin: when he's with his friends and when he's with me - which splits into further categories: when I do what he says and when I don't do what he says.

I am not a controlling girlfriend. All a girlfriend wants is to feel loved and appreciated for who they are. I don't want to have to feel like my problems are irrelevant and invalid because you don't agree with them. That's not how relationships work.

Where have the feelings gone that you used to have for me where I was your world and you would make sure everyone knew because you were happy and proud to have me and you wanted to show off because you were so happy? Now its like, well no one cares, everyone always knows already. You give your friends random excuses cus you hate saying that you have to be with me all weekend (BOORING) instead of having a great time with them.

And you say I don't come second to anything.

Way to go.
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Rs, Rs & Rs.

None of those above are to do with rest or relaxation.

There are no rules in a relationship, but there are unspoken rules in love - and even then, these rules are hard to disobey (otherwise you would hardly be in love).

The main thing I have a problem with is appreciation. There are sparks and moments where I feel severely underappreciated and it really gets me down. I find that it takes a lot to cheer me up but when I'm happy things are really great - but then, it doesn't exactly take a big thing to upset me or get me down.

Sure, we all overthink things, and sometimes we really overthink it to the point of ridiculous. But are there some things we should say to our partner or soulmate or lover or even best friend that are simply just in the unspoken rule book of love?

Feeling wanted, appreciated, needed and loved are all essential to a good relationship, whether it be an intimate one or purely friendship. Maybe a compliment everyday? Or at least making sure it doesn't feel like they're only mentioning how nice your hair looks just because you changed it, implying that their hair is somewhat boring usually.

What I'm trying to say is that we should dig deeper than those three little words often but not always: a compliment or saying thankyou (without getting too soppy) are simple, but I truly believe a collection of little things are bigger and better in time than obvious words and actions. Yes, flowers are lovely and brighten up a room but there doesn't have to be a specific reason for gifting them, like a birthday or whatever. If you're one of those people who need a reason and a motive for everything then, if anything, the reason would be that you simply love them and appreciate everything they have done for you.

Anyway, I have to go. It was simply food for thought. Laters.
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