Today is the day my happy mood of the past two or so weeks comes to an end. Yesterday and today I have had sinking feelings, like someone hanging weights off my shoulders whilst I am slowly swallowed my quick sand - the weights being simply sadness and exhaustion and the quick sand being defeat.

There is no particular reason as to why I feel unhappy, though there are contributing factors - and the main contributing factor's name is Ben.

He seems to think I am unable to accept the fact that he has friends - and, quite frankly, I take offense. I have friends too, don't I? I don't have a problem with the fact that he has friends. I have a problem with coming second.

So we used to spend every weekend apart and we used to always want to see each other. I remember specifically one time when he said to me 'I miss you because I want to see you more and more but its getting harder to see you'. But now I feel like often he wants to just do whatever needs to be done with me and then finally get some relaxation with his friends. I feel like a chore, if you will. I feel like he doesn't want to make the effort to ask me the time of day - only to invite me to a game of LoL and tell me he loves me just to keep the peace.

All those times I've cried out and said that I was fed up with this relationship.. they weren't lies or phases, per se, because I still do feel fed up on a regular basis, whether I'm smiling and laughing in his company or not. Its moreso that I am fed up of many different aspects of this relationship and the few and far between faces of Benjamin: when he's with his friends and when he's with me - which splits into further categories: when I do what he says and when I don't do what he says.

I am not a controlling girlfriend. All a girlfriend wants is to feel loved and appreciated for who they are. I don't want to have to feel like my problems are irrelevant and invalid because you don't agree with them. That's not how relationships work.

Where have the feelings gone that you used to have for me where I was your world and you would make sure everyone knew because you were happy and proud to have me and you wanted to show off because you were so happy? Now its like, well no one cares, everyone always knows already. You give your friends random excuses cus you hate saying that you have to be with me all weekend (BOORING) instead of having a great time with them.

And you say I don't come second to anything.

Way to go.
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