thoughts.

y'know when you hear the things that hurt to hear but needed to be heard?

basically, i heard tonight some stuff that seems irreversible and it really made me think. i haven't changed so much, just our situation has. my insecurities have grown subconsiously and i can't shake them. i'm not the only one who used to be fun. you used to be caring and now i'm just intimidated by you. i've known it for a while and thinking about what we are now compared to what we used to be makes me sadder each day because you say that things will get better when they only go down this route to failure.

it's failure because there's no effort. i have looked at many people and said to myself, 'if we met now, we would never be friends' but this is different. and you can't say that it was heat of the moment - because that is a big thing to say that must have stemmed from somewhere.

thinking about it now, i guess maybe the reason i insult you is because i don't feel good enough for you and i hate how i feel like you look down on  me so i try to bring you to my level, if you like. i feel like you're always turning your nose up at me and i just get in the way. you find it so easy to ditch me for your friends when you've said you want to actually be with me - so which one's the lie?

anyway tomorrow i guess there is only one more thing to do - and that is to get to the bottom of this relationship that is a chore now. we're both so tired of getting hurt: me tired of feeling neglected and you tired of not feeling respected and cared about. how can you feel like i don't care? yes, i want you to be happy. but i want you to be happy with me too and it seems impossible to have both now. you're a completely different person when you're with your friends - more cheerful and happy and everyone likes you. but when you're with me, everything has to be exclusive and intimate. we can't just mess around anymore - it has to be snuggles and touching.

i thought we were supposed to be best friends first? you would be my best friend. i would love to have a guy like you as my best friend. you're funny and intelligent.. but when you're with people like anthony and otis you just.. it's just not my humour. what you talk about with your friends don't interest me - but you talk about different things when you hang around with, say, Jordan, cus he's not into gaming, really, like your main friends are.

can we not have a relationship like that? i feel like you don't care about what i'm interested in. i'm impressed you are still keeping up with the sweeney todd thing.. well.. a relationship like that would suffice but i want to go back to the times you would tell people that you love me because you were proud of being with me..

i just dont feel any spark coming from you and i put a lot of effort in and a lot of my mood swings come from frustration that things aren't working and i dont know what i'm doing wrong.

but about the things you said.. if that's what you feel then i don't want to keep going like this. i want to feel like you wake up thinking positive things about me, like, 'yes, i get to see lyn at school today' and i want you to feel like seeing me maybe for only two minutes cheers you up.. but the only compliments you give me are that my hair looks nice or my outfit is nice or that my bum feels nice in these trousers.. -_-

i just want more effort from you. i want you to be selfish about me and i want you to want me. alright. it's not about needing me (though that would be nice) but i just want to feel like you want me. and not just physically.. i want you to want me and i want to feel it. it's frustrating that you don't miss me as often as I miss you.. but could that be just because i'm not the person i used to be and you don't miss me because you don't look forward to me as much as you did.

time was, you'd miss me just by going home from school - and i still feel that level of love and passion for you but on your side, things have faded.

if you read this and get a chance to post before i possibly go over to your house tomorrow, please post a blog about it on our blog. it would mean a lot to me.

thanks.