isn't it crazy how everyone has their own issues of some sort.. so many different lives with different problems but we're actually all the same on the inside: a brain, a heart, lungs, etc.. we have different tastes in music and we listen to that music for different reasons; we take likings to different people for different reasons because of them and because of yourself - and the way we see them may be different to the way they see themselves..

everything is so complicated nowadays. there's so much to think about when actually all i need to do is "get on with it". what does that even mean? get on with it. get on with what? to get along with someone? to start doing something?

today in drama we were sharing ideas and I came round to explaining that theory where there is an infinite amount of parallel universes stacked together like toast and they're all interlinked: a choice you make may lead you to one parallel universe, whereas choosing something else will lead you to another. for example: i decide to have toast in the morning and i start to feel hungry around an hour later and end up complaining to my friends about my hunger, therefore triggering conversation about food or something -- but alternately, choosing to have cereal instead of toast would have taken me to a different universe without me realising, where i don't feel hungry around an hour later and those conversations about food wouldn't have happened. according to this theory, there are different versions of yourself all across existence, with nothing but a thin barrier or reality or.. what? void? between you.

what if we, as conscious human beings, decided to look into this and find a way to consciously choose which reality to be in? telling the future but not in a solid state - choosing your future, if you will. nowadays, in fiction, someone who can tell the future (or at least knows how) will tell you that the future is always changing, and that time is not linear: you can go back and forth and roundabouts until you end up at the end.

imagine if we could, then, choose our future. what would you choose? what would you change? would it be better that way? to prepare yourself for success and failure as you see fit? what kind of new problems would spring from this phenomenon i.e. the paths i have to choose from all offer some kind of failure in some way, i'm stuck. would this be the equivalent to what would then be the outdated version of the problem of not knowing what to do with your life? or not making a decision on the basis that you are afraid of the outcome?

i am afraid. i am afraid of the future and what it might bring: more rejection and pain. i can't help but not trust him as much as i could before.. but.. it's my fault and not his. what can i do about this? should i leave things behind as they are or persevere with this feeling that i'm not good enough for him and never will be?

all i need is to reconcile my feelings within myself, and i feel the only way to do that would be to feel somehow more accepted and wanted.. of course, friends are friends. friends stay and move on as they please, whether they care or not. everyone has their own choices in life and i don't want to be left behind, but i can just see it coming.

am I really as boring as you say I am? which of the things you say are actually true? do you or do you not actually love me for who I am? always comparing me to other people and criticising my choices.. i just get the feeling you want me to be someone else. prettier, funnier, more interesting, more independent, more caring.. just better. but instead of helping me, you criticise and avoid me. i can't fix anything if i need help that no one's giving me. i want to stay how i am but i want you to love me for who i am. you should never change for anybody.. but what if i changed for the worse and i just need to change back? what would i lose and what would i gain? pros and cons.. heavy thinking.

it's so unfair the way you can just throw around words like you own the place, and then expect me to come crawling back because it's only logical. what if i feel something that isn't logical and i just want someone to rub my back and say, 'whatever it is, it will be okay.' kirsty and mitch are the best at doing that. they pick me up cus they don't pressure me into telling them something and give me space but care at the same time and i feel like they really wont judge what im saying and.. i dont feel that naturally off him unless we're actually talking in person, otherwise i feel like he's not really reading what im typing over skype or whatever..

ive lost my train of thought now and i cant remember it so, yeah.