ben and i have come to a mutual decision to end our relationship.

i guess i was reaching out at fairytales and getting disappointed when things didn't go the way i visioned them. i want someone who will smother me in love and kisses - someone who will love me as much as i love them. but how i will love anyone as much as i did ben, i will never know. i guess this is really where 'time heals all wounds' comes into play. well, we shall see.

i honestly thought this was it. this was my life set: someone who motivated me, someone who cared for me and would look after me through thick and thin. he told me he loved me and he looked out for me as much as he could. he tried to be there for me as much as possible.. but to me it was like a drug - the more he made me feel like he needed me, the duller it got and i just needed more. but he couldn't give me more and it ended up just not being enough.

we're both as bad as each other, but only because we're so different. of course, right now I'm like sobsob how will i go on with liiffeee aahhhh but if you go through life never feeling that then what have you to live for. now i have to get back on my feet somehow and find a way to dull down this ache in my chest.

tomorrow i will pack his things into a bag and i will go with mum to drop off the stuff. i want to see him one last time, to say goodbye properly. i've missed him so much lately what with all this schoolwork and im so clingy i felt like no amount of time was ever enough. i was looking forward to spending this weekend with him so badly but then for some reason i told him i had too much work and that we should not see each other. i guess i just wanted him to say 'no lyn, please, can't you at least stay friday night and do work on sunday?' but he didn't.

ugh. this has left me feeling so hopeless. i dont feel any sort of release or.. anything. i just want to curl up in your arms as if nothing's happened. but you agreed and you don't want me. my emotions are so mixed.  i will come and say goodbye properly: pour out my heart with no intentions other than to justify myself because i feel like i am lacking purpose. i have so much to spill and you are the only person i can talk to. i know that there is no going back now but it's more for myself than you, i guess. i want to get it all off my chest so i can sleep easy with myself.

i dont have much else to say in this blog, but you might not hear from me for a while. or you might, i dunno. depends on.. stuff. yeah. hm.