'emo'

is apparently what i am.

because i have feelings that i can't justify enough for him. i'm sick of his insensitivity and his lack of interest in me. he doesn't need me and i'm not even sure he wants to be with me. he needed more space in the relationship and i said i would give him as much as he needs, but now i hardly know him. when we're not together he doesn't want to know. is it selfish to feel like he doesn't care as much as i would like him to?

i wouldn't go as far as 'opression'.. lol..? but i feel like i can't tell him how i really feel, and sometimes i wish he would read this blog and realise but i know that if he were to read it.. cue argument = breaking up.

yes, life is hard. yes, man up, god damnit. there's so many things i could say about this relationship that are only partly true.. 'I'm the only one making an effort'.. yes i feel this but of course it's not true. he tells me he does so much for me and i can't disagree. i don't think i'm allowed :/

he says things are better now. i asked him and he says he's happy in this relationship. and i keep telling myself that i am happy in this relationship and yes i am.. but only something around 40% of the time.. because now i feel like he has better things to do than spend time with me.. and i've said this before but now i feel it more than ever before..

argh.

this is what he was talking about when he said i was 'too clingy'. i'm just sat here smiling and telling myself it will be better in the long run.

i do find myself as a slightly happier person nowadays, i guess.. i just blog more heh ^^' this is the only place i can empty my heart out and not get shouted at or get people trying to solve it.. i just want to speak out and this is the only place that can happen without me feeling uncomfortable, or like a burden, or like an emo as he calls me.

i think that is the thing that bugs me the most. because he means it. if someone said that to you, how would you feel? i mean, how would you really feel? sure, you'd laugh it off. but he's the one person whose opinion of me matters the most to me.. and he's calling me an emo.. which translates to me as 'attention-seeker'. is that wrong? is that over-reacting? i have feelings i can't describe anymore and just sit there like a weight in my chest because i want to confide in him but i can't.

he said we should open up to each other more.. well i can't. and we both know it. well, I do. and I hope he does too.. and if he does then shame on him for not making me feel more welcome.

i'm forcing myself to go out with friends next weekend. i wish i'd brought my art book home - then i could swamp myself in homework tomorrow and not feel ignored or lonely.

ahhh life sucks.

i will do anything for you to keep you happy and for you to stay with me. when i said i would change for you, that didn't mean you could take advantage. none of my feelings have changed and i still need you. if we were to meet for the first time right now, i would not be attracted to you at all. i would probably not like you very much at all. and i hate that you've changed with the new sixth form blah blah blah I GIVE UP.

bye.