bleh

I don't need space. I want to be smothered and wanted and needed. Right now I feel so lonely, like people pass me by, like I'm invisible. And I feel like no one else feels the same way.

Sometimes I have problems and I don't want people to try and make things better - sometimes I just want to hear people say, 'Yeah, I totally understand, Lyn, that's awful.' But I feel like no one feels the way I do and I'm constantly listening to people tell me things I don't want to hear.

I've resorted to giving up and just.. not drifting through life completely, but.. ignoring myself. I get up, get ready, go to school, come home and sit by myself for a long time before going to bed. I have no escape - even music has shunned me recently. I don't know what to do with myself and I just want someone to spend a day with me and make me feel like I belong and like I have something to live for.

Sure, I have friends. I have tonnes of friends! Kirsty, Mitch, Joe.. Cerys has moved on to tresham now and I do miss her.. but none of them are in any of my classes. I sit on my own in history, I feel like a little like an outsider in performing arts.. I think German is the only class I feel comfortable in - it has people in it that easily include everyone in discussions and jokes, and we do have a nice time.

But that's only one lesson out of the five options I picked.

I am so disappointed at the moment with Ben. It scared me to death when he told me he might not want me anymore. But then a couple of days later we were totally fine and it was like he'd never been away. But then I realised that nothing had changed as a result of this re-thinking of his. We see each other much less than we did in GCSE, so we have more to talk about now. I spend more time with my friends who never fail to make me laugh. But when we're not together, it's like he doesn't know I exist.

I am just so stuck at the moment. I have been feeling this way for a few months now, and I just want to curl up in bed and never get up.

All of these blogs must be so repetitive, but there's no one I can talk to and say the things I put on my blog. I prefer to keep all these feelings somewhere safe. Somewhere I can look back and read if I need to and somewhere I know things don't become too public and people start calling 'emo' or something haha.

So anyway.. I always feel like I have so much more to say when I come to the end of my blogs, but I just can't find the words.