I try not to be so skepital about things but its just so hard when almost every time I just get let down - promises, expectations.. I try not to fall for these things as much - not to look out for them being fulfilled because usually it leads to disappointment.

Ben told me that he missed me this evening, and I think he meant it. It wasn't in return for me telling him first and he told me that he missed everything about me and that it was because he doesn't get to see me properly anymore.

Well its about damn time! I'm hoping to see more of these moments because tonight I let myself feel a flicker of hope that we can get back on track with our relationship. I'm so happy that things might be turning around and if he does actually spend the whole of tomorrow with me like he said he was going to, I'm going to make the most out of it - this could just be a fluke - he could have just been listening to some inspiring music that caused him to feel like putting some effort in.

Of course, I musn't let myself get too carried away and I will try not to be expecting anything because I will likely be setting myself up just to fall down and hit the ground hard. Its such a massive deficit to my confidence when something rubbish happens when I was expecting the opposite and that has taken its toll on me over the years and now I struggle with what seemed to come naturally to me when I was little - talking to people.

I feel I can't talk to anyone now about personal things - problems, achievements, anything. Recently things have been bad in this relationship and its made me feel horrible about myself. After things have smoothened out with Ben, I will work towards becoming more confident - but first I need to stop having this rocky patch in our relationship get the better of me all the time, and the only way to do that is for things to get sorted out or for us to go our separate ways and for me to get over it all.

I most certainly hope it's not the latter, and I really do hope things go back to how they used to be. I would love things to go back to how they were in the beginning, but I would give anything just to go back to how it was six months ago even. I just want to feel wanted again, to feel good about myself because someone else does too, someone close to my heart and who means the world to me.

Anyway, I should get to bed. Night.
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