well.. it is breaking my heart to say it but I don't think Ben wants me anymore. We're only just a little more than friends now. When we go home we go our separate ways and we don't really see each other at school anymore - walking to our next lesson is about it. We don't speak anymore - there's no such thing as 'Hi, how was your day?' anymore.
when we had that massive argument where I promised I would change for him, things did get slightly better and I gave him space and we had loads more to talk about. But now he can't even be bothered to make any sort of conversation anymore.
He only talks to me if he needs something from me, but other than that it's strictly, 'If I can be bothered.' If there's something up then he's not telling me. And I can't ask him because he sits and plays games all evening with other people.
So we've hit a dead end, yet again, and I am willing to keep this going for as long as I can because I still love him and I refuse to let him go. I'm still interested in everything he has to say all the time and I always want to be around him and talk to him, but the feeling isn't mutual and we spend a lot of time apart and even then he never tells me he misses me unless it's in return for me saying I miss him. And I don't think he means it, I just think he doesn't want me to say that he never tells me he misses me.
Which is sad. I find it so sad and I cried myself to sleep last night over it because I was stupid enough to believe things would go back to how they used to be a year and a half ago because of this whole 'I'm bored of you, Lyn' argument. I asked him what he wanted and he told me and I promised I would change and I have changed - massively. I do think I am a happier person in general now - sixth form is taking its toll on me now and I'm so tired and cannot wait til the end of term and that is the only thing I have encountered that has made me feel the familiar 'what is the point' emotion. But other than that the only thing getting me down at the moment is this whole unwanted feeling I get when I get home and have no one to talk to.
I try not to let it show - it's probably just me over-thinking things so I haven't said anything or brought it up with Ben. I don't want to suffocate him anymore - which is what I used to do and he hated it. I have given him lots of space to do what he wants and a thought occured to me just now:
Last year I went to Hannover as an exchange student for a week. And when I came back I asked if Ben had missed me and he said, 'yeah, it was like being single again: waking up, playing wow, going to bed, doing the same the next day...' - and I don't know if this is just me being an idiot but isn't that what he does now? Go to school, go home and play some games, do some homework and then go to bed.
And he wants it to be this way? He wants this amount of space? Should I take it as a hint that he would like to be single again? Is this a way of him breaking up with me softly - giving me hints that he still loves me but he wants to be on his own from now on. Or maybe he's doing it to let the distance get to us and make us finally say, 'this isn't working anymore.'
Because he's going the right way about it.
I just have too many questions and uncertainties going around in my head at the moment! Argh! Someone please just come and cuddle me and make things better :(
No comments:
Post a Comment