oh dear.

well today totally went to pot.

silly bickering over a meal we're supposed to be going to on saturday - and I thought well it'll just be for lunch but obviously what the fuck do I know.

anyway, it seems Bronwyn and I are going to have to organise this meal ourselves - Ben says I should make a decision for once in my life.. even though I do make a lot of decisions like deciding not to give a shit anymore and all this bollocks behind his back because if whats the point in telling him anything anyway. he just sits and plays games on his computer so what would he know about feelings.

his best friend is having a rough time in his relationship at the moment and the excuse Ben provided me with was that 'Maria is being a miserable bitch with him' and I just thought oh. so that's what you tell other people about our relationship. that I'm just a miserable bitch? there's is obviously some underlying reason as to why Maria is upset and calling her things like a 'miserable bitch' does not solve everything. who is Ben to judge Maria like that anyway?

All in all, Ben needs to realise that it's not all about him and other people have feelings too. today he told me he can't be bothered with my lax attitude anymore.. so.. screw him. If i ever feel like I can't be bothered then he can just go away because I can't be bothered having to always just be in one mood with him all the time. he might not be affected by anything because he doesn't speak to people unless he's staring at a computer screen, but I have feelings that he obviously doesn't understand and he needs to learn that sometimes I would just like to be with someone who understands. and if he doesn't understand and can't be bothered with me when I'm not happy, then why does he deserve me when I am happy?

I hate relationships. Today we did this shitty revisions thing and they were asking us to write down what was important to us and what we wanted to achieve in life and Ben wrote down on his sheet that he would still want to 'have lyn' as one of his goals. well thats just lovely. he can have me alright, because I will always need him in my life, and okay fine.

Y'know what? screw this. I give up. I will just give him what he wants from now on.. I have better people - namely friends - who understand me fully and are willing to listen to me. I don't need him for that - I will just be there for him and that will be it. He doesn't need to be there for me. Not anymore.

Fin.