it's been a long while since I visited my own blog.. usually I don't read what happens after I post something.. but right now I'm feeling pretty shitty and I don't really feel like talking to anyone about it because I always get the same answers.
yes, I'm still in that stupid 'complicated situation' with my relationship. it's putting a large weight on my shoulders and my lack of commitment to this blog is probably making it worse. I know I say I post here where ben can't (won't) look but.. sometimes I wish he would just take a second to think and be more caring.
I managed to spill out some feelings to him over text the other day. I got so sick of him last week (and he got sick from the flu) that I stopped talking to him for what seemed like forever - but was, in actual fact, only two days or something. I managed to explain to him that he's actually grown into something I really hate over this 3 and a half years: arrogant, obnoxious, self-indulgent and a massive slob. I'm not after a six-packed health freak, but in all honesty I don't want someone who doesn't give a shit about their appearance... it's actually got the point where I don't want to be close to him anymore. I don't want to share a bed with him because I wish he would take care of himself better. He could be so much more of a better person if he wasn't so hell-bent on being the alpha male amongst his friends.
I really hate his friends, but it's not something you should judge the quality of your relationship on. Sometimes, though, I can't help but feel disappointed that they don't accept me and you spur on the annoying and sometimes hurtful comments thrown my way by them. Sure, I can laugh off a few insults and maybe play along, but I don't appreciate just being the butt of all the jokes - and neither do you.
Oh, what's that? You think I always take the piss out of you? You hate it when Brandon and I take the mick cus you're losing that game of chess?
I also managed to tell him that when I get upset and he does make the effort to listen and cuddle me, the thing he does where the tells me it'll be okay and then doesn't really give me the opportunity to keep talking - even if I'm repeating myself, talking makes me feel better. When he shushes me, it's nice but he's suppressing the rest of those feelings that have built-up in my heart for a long time, which then gets added to the next time you refuse me respect.
He doesn't take me seriously. When we argue, he laughs in my face. I can't say anything that affects him in the slightest because he just doesn't care.
I spoke about things outweighing other things and, this weekend more than any other, I have noticed that I am happier without him than I am with him. When I'm in lessons talking to other people I generally have a good time and even manage to forget about him. However, I still get those slight butterflies and finding you when I'm looking for you - be it in the corridors or even just on skype - still makes me smile. That's probably what's making it so hard to let go, even when I know I need to.
I'm always toying with the idea of leaving him, and I've formulated this plan that it'll be so easy to break up with him as soon as we leave school so I can get over it during the holidays and have a fresh start for uni. But is this just stalling? Is this just me trying to blindly hold on to what we don't have any more?
I know that the answer to those questions is yes, but I can't make my heart believe it. I don't need help. I need courage.
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