not the wanted

I need to somehow stack myself up on work for the weekend or go out or something. The plans I had have been ditched at the last minute (oh so ironic) so I need something else. I need someone else.

So I guess you could this something of an 'all time low'. I feel hopeless and unnecessary. Why do I sit here and take it? I don't know, my friends don't know. I don't even think you know. Do you? Because I don't. And I can't give it up, this hobby of mine. I feel like I'm just sailing on auto-pilot. Usually, I'm content with that. I like drifting but achieving. I was always good at that. But now? I don't like where I'm drifting to and my vision is cloudy and it scares me.

University? Too soon. And it's two years away. I feel pushed and shoved and disorientated. And you're not helping me. You, of all people, are only taking. Asking and taking things for yourself - and not just from me. Wasting money and time and my efforts and emotions on things that suit you and no one else. You don't care about anyone else. You only want to do what you want to do and how you do it is the best way for it and nothing else will suffice or even come close.

What am I to you? Because 'soulmate' has worn off. It has faded and it means nothing now - like when you say a word over and over and it stops being a word and just becomes a set of sounds you spew out of your mouth. Soulmate soulmate soulmate.

And you. Always talking. Always "chatting" but never chilling. Shut. up.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of sitting here waiting for you to use me. I'm tired of setting myself up to fall. I need to stop hoping and start expecting. Expecting that I'm nothing. Knowing that I'm nothing. Stop thinking. Start knowing. Stop messing. Start walking. Stop watching. Do something.

How long can this last? Ridiculous, stupid, hopeless, meaningless, unworthy, inadequate, ugly and unattractive. Gain weight, be friendlier, accept him, cut hair, open up more, "you can talk to me". What does it all mean? Who am I anyway? Who do I think I am? What is this? Where am I?

I am nowhere. I am nothing. We are still but neverending. We are laughing but staring. We are dreaming but shivvering. We are complements but together we are contrasts. Is there someone else? What else? Everything. Anything is better than now. Count your days, get older, skip to the future and get on with it.

Here: take these feelings and deal with them. I'm done.